A letter for a girl I think about at 1 am.

My 1-3 AM thoughts.

Dear you,

It’s almost 1 in the morning and my room is cold and dark. The light coming from my laptop is the only light that illuminates the room. The sound of the rain hitting the trees and landing drops on my driveway - which on most days comforts me, is now one of the reasons why I can’t sleep. I was just about to turn off my computer after watching a few episodes of How I met your mother when I decided to write my thoughts of you.

Before anything else,let me tell you that How I met your mother is really a good show.

I learned a lot on how to hook up with a lot of girls from Barney. How to guard your heart and enjoy your youth and career from Robin. How a relationship is not a matter of “winning” but knowing that you’re growing together as a couple from Marshall and Lily. And how to believe in love even if love is taking its time to get to you or no matter how much love seems impossible to have with the current state you’re in from Ted..

I cracked my knuckles as surge of thoughts start crossing my mind.

I remember that we both used to watch the show together and laugh till 2 in the morning. Now the show is nearing its end and I’m watching it alone.

I feel a sudden rush of nostalgia, yet here I am still smiling at the very thought of you.

We first started talking as friends in a time where the only means of connection is thru texting and limited calls. No messenger, whatsapp or skype. We’d exchange texts or talk on the phone till 4 in the morning and in between those talks I realized that I am starting to fall in love with you. And now that you’re gone, you’re still the reason why I am wide awake at wee hours when I’ve got to wake up at 6 for work. I decided to write my thoughts because earlier I was browsing through all of my social media accounts, finding any traces left of you. You’ve blocked me from all of your social media accounts which is immature yet I truly understand. I understand that you don’t want anything to do with me anymore and even if it hurts not knowing how you’re doing, it is for the best.

I decided to write it down because it hurts no matter how much I try to tell myself that I will be okay.

Everybody has their own opinion of the time you have to burn for a person to finally move on.

For me it’s been 2 months and I’m still not okay.

I know that you’re happy now and probably sound asleep if you’re done talking with the guy who now means the most to you. It still hurts that I am no longer the first person who comes to your mind when you wake up. The person who you run to when life gets hard. The person who doesn’t miss out on anything about your day because you always talk about everything. The person who encourages you to take big leaps and never settle for anything less because he believes in you and that for him, you always deserve so much more. The person who gets up from bed even if he’s ill just to see you for a few minutes. The person who waits for you during your college days for 3 - 4 hours just to make sure you’ll be home safe even if it means you’ll both have to walk home because he doesn’t have a car. The person whose love for you was bigger than his ego so he apologizes for the petty and huge fights, even if you’re the one who started it. The person who makes you smile in your darkest days even if his whole world is also starting to fall apart because your happiness means the most to him and just seeing your smile brings a lot of joy in his heart.

It’s funny that I used to be that person. Now I am nothing but a memory you badly want to forget.

How did we come to this?

I have my faults, you have your own. You just failed to fall back in love on times you felt that you’re starting to fell out of it when all I did was choose to fall back in love with you over and over again no matter how hard loving you can be at times. I am sorry if you felt that it was becoming too hard to love me and that you have to let go. But whatever happens, I am still going to be that guy who loves you more than himself that I choose to let go of you even if that would mean dark days ahead of me. Even if that means that I have to see you happy in someone else’s arms. Even if you killed the soul out of body by unloving me.

And whatever happens I will always be that guy who spends his time writing about you and telling people how much he truly loves you, miss you and how much he still hopes you’d come back through his writings.