[2] (Poetry)

I fell asleep in a meadow
and awoke with a sunburn on my
cheek
turning bitterly to curse the sun
to find that
‘twas not the sun that stained
my cheeks red
but the iridescent glow of a girl
that danced around

the trampled

rosebushes

of my heart.

her eyes held the sun in them,
and I wondered if she stole it,
for it was evening

yet the night sparkled with intense
luminescence
and her eyes held both the sun & the stars
as she spoke,
and her breath felt like
the gentle breeze
of the night whispering on my skin
ripe with all the secrets
I told to the moon
under the blanket of the night

Author's Note

This is part I of a poetry book that I am currently working on. Criticism is needed, please, be harsh.
Photo courtesy of hypertech of Deviant Art.

Reviews

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

I really liked this poem. I'm not generally a poetry reader, so I'm not the best source of criticisms. Format was good and I didn't see typos. Good work there

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, Speedy Hobbit!

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

I really liked this poem. I'm not generally a poetry reader, so I'm not the best source of criticisms. Format was good and I didn't see typos. Good work there

[New Theory]

Wow she held the sun and the stars that line just is so beautiful and lovely.

[Tai Ryens]

She truly does, thank you for your kind thoughts Theory.

[New Theory]

Whoever she is, she is lucky for you see things so beautifully.

[BlackRose]

Love this. Really enjoyed it. Like that it's different to me in a more romantic sense. And is a superb title for this piece.

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, BlackRose!

[paul sal.....]

Sorry, but I cannot be harsh; love lives in the sun and under the moon and floats on the wind and circles your heart, the warmth envelopes you like the blanket of birth.............

[Tai Ryens]

I'm thrilled you enjoyed, Paul, I thank you kindly.

[Pax]

Tia my friend, I am not really good at criticism, I can only see it is in good shape and form with great background story and metaphor used. So I never say other than that... smiles. A book eh, keep it up... The symbolism about the sun, perhaps she stole the heart of this writer... :)

very nice Tia...

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, Pax, always lovely to see your thoughts!

[stars are far]

very amazing work..well done ..
the title is attractive and the poem is worth reading

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you!

[stars are far]

My pleasure

[Frieda P]

I really like the title and the concept of this one, it's a different kind of romance poem, which makes it more intriguing. I'd change up 'meadow' in that last line of the first stanza, perhaps 'danced around my spirit' or heart to make it more affecting, just my humble opinion of course, enjoyed Tai.

[Tai Ryens]

I actually had that line written on paper when I first envisioned this, no clue why I decided to change it. Might revert it back when I finish drafting the whole book. I thank you kindly for your thoughts and critiques.

[Frieda P]

No matter what title you give it, I still love this one...

[Tai Ryens]

And I am flattered by that, really.

[Frieda P]

Don't mention it Tai, well deserved indeed...

[Bluefire]

I liked the last part the best, it seemed to flow better. Great imagery in this, very pretty.
Well played. ^^

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, Blue c:

[Bluefire]

You're welcome. ^^

[Baby Ricochet]

The imagery I got from this was pleasant enough . Of the night whispering on my skin" Is a good line. Good poem Tai

[Tai Ryens]

Thanks Baby