Shattered

Did I just kill myself with glass?

Friable glass separates

inelastic sands from my

kleptomaniacal fingertips:

hourglasses belonging to me

no longer in demonic clutches,

but rather my own hands.

{Not that there is much a difference}

 

Ashes snow down from

unlived fantasies residing

high above antecedent me:

dreams yet to come true

with every falling second

I live in the bottom.

 

However, instead of looking above

at the time left in my existence;

I shatter life on icy floors

beneath me, cackling as sands

metamorphose into dust with

only fragments to prove my living:

neither a past nor future to reminisce

or proceed; but a speck longing

to carry on the wind.

Author's Note

Not quite sure of this; if I would dare to edit it I would scrape everything but the beginning and start anew. Opinions?

Reviews

[Extant]

Um, regardless of your comment, I LOVE the second stanza. Just the idea of you being buried, crushed beneath the weight of ashes and dreams and death and life is endearing to me. Do not scrape this. It is beautiful, serene is a good word for it, but possibly that is misguided since this is so dark. Tragic acceptance.
I will say that there are points here and there were the words are a bit pretentious, and you seem to be pushing them out of your skin. I think you should work on making your verses more natural and give them your special touch of brilliance. Never think that a five dollar word has more meaning than a five cents word.

[Tai Ryens]

I do agree with you, I must have tried a bit too hard writing this poem.

[Extant]

A bit . . .

[Lost in Wonderland]

"no longer in demonic clutches,
but rather my own hands.
{Not that there is much a difference}"
^^You wrote those three lines very well (just thought i would point that out specifically) and the last stanza was powerful. Nicely done
God Bless
~Mickey

[Tai Ryens]

I agree with you; those are the strongest lines in my own opinion.

[Alm]

Whoo. I has been swept away, that my most usually impeccable grammar has died. That's a good thing. Don't edit this, it's beautiful.

And, the big words, use them carefully (Like I take my own advice, haha). Though this is still lovely.

I especially like the "kleptomaniacal fingertips"

-Alm

[nigrum homonculus]

i don't think you should edit this. its very good especially the last 3 lines in the first stanza. they stood out to me the most. i was also listening to this while reading. it came on just as i started and i thought it went very well with it (minus the singing and the heavy bass near the end) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNdl_vOrPbM
indeed a good write tai.

[afra]

i enjoyed reading it ...well done

[Gothic Girl]

great imagery. i noticed in some of your writings that you dwell on these subjects: dark, death, sarcasm, etc. just curios: according to this poem, do you view life as an hourglass?

[Tai Ryens]

More like a cynical nightmare; but they both seem the same in my perspective.

[Gothic Girl]

oooh i like you. lol. you're style is different. i mean, yu're not just another emo boy. :)

[Tai Ryens]

'Emo' . . . How I despise that word . . .
All aside; melancholia is the new fad these days, by personal experience, I do know most (not all) gothic teenagers do it just to be 'cool.'

[demureminds]

No don't edit it. I loved the ending, it ties the entire piece together. The only part I didn't understand was the "I live at the bottom" part, though I have a slight idea of what that might mean. The poem was great, amazing thought process and concept.

[Tai Ryens]

Hourglasses have three different sides; the way I look at it. Below, above, and where it falls through. Claiming I dwell below is similar to saying I 'dwell in the past.'

[demureminds]

oh haha, wow never thought of it that way. really creative way of saying things.

[xxxrawr_friendxxx]

Hmmm... I don't think you should edit it, but that's just me. So later, you could look back on this and see different perspectives, if that makes sense. .-.

[Rhea752]

i enjoyed the last stanza the most. i think you should take the word antecedent out of the second stanza because it honestly doesn't make much sense to have it there. but other than that the poem was great. very enjoyable!! keep writing!!! :D

[Tai Ryens]

Sticking to the hourglass concept, the sands already lived are in the bottom, so 'antecedent me' is suggesting that I dwell on prior moments; better known as the past. Thank you for your thoughts!

[Rhea752]

oh i get it now :P i am not the brightest. thank you for explaining it to me :D

[Tai Ryens]

The fault is mine for being to vague, hehe . . .

[Rhea752]

cryptic :P well done!!

[Freckled Princess]

The glass is very descriptive. I like it.