Forsaken

Lengthy were the nights subsequent

to the days of your absence,

for the planet I once was, depended

on the light of your presence.

 

Shall I await the day

we are once again lovers?

Or hast thou forgotten me

to lust for another?

 

Phantoms of your embracing arms linger as

haunting memories of departed bliss,

tell me, oh, tell me; when did

your sleeves alter into a noose?

Author's Note

This didn't quite come out as expected . . . Nonetheless, I do hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Haunting.

I really like the metaphor you pull off in the first stanza. People often throw around the saying about someone being "your whole world", but I think the one you just wrote is better. It has something more...elegant to it. The narrator has become a planet barren and cold, dying without the light of its sun, everything within it inevitably perishing. Very grim and adequately describing a broken heart.

The last stanza though was beautiful in what it said. "Phantoms of embracing arms linger", is perfect. Like an amputated limb, so much apart of you that you still feel it, even though it isn't there anymore. The pain in this piece is...exquisite.

Well done my friend. A very, very emotional write.

-Caradoc

[Tai Ryens]

Here I thought I was being a bit too cliche with that line; writing alongside to the concepts so many people use. I thank you kindly for the review.

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome, my talented, skillful friend.

[Isabel]

This poem made me miss our friend, Caradoc, more.

[Tai Ryens]

Indeed, Caradoc was a very intellectual dear to have on this site. He is much missed.

[Pax]

Tai my friend, indeed, he is missed. Caradoc my friend, hope your doing alright and fine... come back when your well... :)

[Caradoc]

"tell me, oh, tell me; when did
your sleeves alter into a noose?"

Reading this again, these lines stick out. Very potent, the narrator becoming asphyxiated by the memories of times that once brought joy. You are truly an amazing poet, Tai.

I have missed the two of you as well.

[Tai Ryens]

Caradoc! You were missed, friend. I'm glad you find content in my work, it means a lot.

[Caradoc]

This piece...pretty much sums up my life right about now.

[Tai Ryens]

And likewise, dear friend.

[Leslie Philibert]

Lots of things I like here , the use of the classical poetical thou that gives it a kind of late romantic feeling, the viral last image that is excellent, the syntax of the first line, the use of a question in the second verse. A poem to enjoy.

[Reeti]

The metaphors u've used for similes are amazing. 'planet', 'phantoms of embracing linger' and 'sleeves alter into a noose' lends a special quality to the poem. I admire the rhymed words which u've arranged skillfully into it. Congrats!

[Tai Ryens]

Indeed, this very poem is one of my best ones yet to be penned. I thank you for the review.

[Reeti]

u're welcome. =)

[Freckled Princess]

This is very strongly written.

[Craba]

Such an deep and emotional read. I enjoyed the metaphor in my first line myself. Awesome

[Circe]

there's a sense of loss and betrayal... hard to overcome.. time seems to drag on, thoughts turn to paranoia.. heartbreaking words... the end especially.. the sleeve a place of comfort and familiarity becomes an agent of peril.. turning against you... beautifully rendered, thank you.

[That_Girl]

The last two lines are brilliant. They really add to the feeling of suffocation that consumes each line of the rest of the piece. Nice!

[Rhianne Ney]

I enjoyed it and I really love your poems
100/100

[Bumble]

Wow, this poem...
"Phantoms of embracing arms linger as
haunting memories of departed bliss." Are my favorite lines from this poem.

[Tai Ryens]

If I could do so without devastating the poem; I'd shred everything except for that single stanza. Thank you for your review.

[eeoopig]

This was really good :) the last stanza was the best - I loved it, good work