Forsaken

Lengthy were the nights subsequent

to the days of your absence,

for the planet I once was, depended

on the light of your presence.

 

Shall I await the day

we are once again lovers?

Or hast thou forgotten me

to lust for another?

 

Phantoms of your embracing arms linger as

haunting memories of departed bliss,

tell me, oh, tell me; when did

your sleeves alter into a noose?

Author's Note

This didn't quite come out as expected . . . Nonetheless, I do hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Haunting.

I really like the metaphor you pull off in the first stanza. People often throw around the saying about someone being "your whole world", but I think the one you just wrote is better. It has something more...elegant to it. The narrator has become a planet barren and cold, dying without the light of its sun, everything within it inevitably perishing. Very grim and adequately describing a broken heart.

The last stanza though was beautiful in what it said. "Phantoms of embracing arms linger", is perfect. Like an amputated limb, so much apart of you that you still feel it, even though it isn't there anymore. The pain in this piece is...exquisite.

Well done my friend. A very, very emotional write.

-Caradoc

[Tai Ryens]

Here I thought I was being a bit too cliche with that line; writing alongside to the concepts so many people use. I thank you kindly for the review.

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome, my talented, skillful friend.

[Isabel]

This poem made me miss our friend, Caradoc, more.

[Tai Ryens]

Indeed, Caradoc was a very intellectual dear to have on this site. He is much missed.

[Pax]

Tai my friend, indeed, he is missed. Caradoc my friend, hope your doing alright and fine... come back when your well... :)

[Caradoc]

"tell me, oh, tell me; when did
your sleeves alter into a noose?"

Reading this again, these lines stick out. Very potent, the narrator becoming asphyxiated by the memories of times that once brought joy. You are truly an amazing poet, Tai.

I have missed the two of you as well.

[Tai Ryens]

Caradoc! You were missed, friend. I'm glad you find content in my work, it means a lot.

[Caradoc]

This piece...pretty much sums up my life right about now.

[Tai Ryens]

And likewise, dear friend.

[lee von cleef]

I didn't either, But heck ma loved me anyway, Your second coming poem here < I agree time forgets how long we live.

[Frieda P]

OK, wow, the hairs on my arm are standing up. For many reasons, but this is a beauty of a read, love your style and you executed that last line with such precision, it was deadly!

[akihsna]

Ooooh that gave me shivers ^^" Really enjoyed it (Y)

[-]

I love the old language that you use in the second stanza, it sort of stands out and awakens you. Beautiful last line as well.

[Steven]

I like the last line. Very creative.

[Tasha]

I loved the metaphors you used in this piece. It was a little haunting bit I enjoyed it very much.

[KerriFaye]

I think it is quite beautiful and very well-written.

[Pax]

"Phantoms of your embracing arms linger as
haunting memories of departed bliss"
~ amazing line here, a sorrowful plea... longing for the departed love one... Broken hearts are the hardest to heal... specially those who dug deep within you that are much harder to pull out... really i felt the strong emotions here...
Brilliant one my friend.

[Lina Grey]

was what you expected better than this? Because this is amazing. It reminds me of the old, classical poems, in style, format, and the use of the word 'thou'. You could expand on that by changing 'have' to 'hast', if you wanted, but it doesn't need it. This is so quoteable, especially the end, which of course incorporates the dark nature found in just about every poem of yours.

[Tai Ryens]

Thanks for the review.

[Damien Davison]

I did quite enjoy this poem, so many memorable lines, seriously.

"tell me, oh, tell me; when did
your sleeves alter into a noose?"

"Shall I await the day
we are once again lovers?
Or have thou forsaken me
to lust for another?"

Amazing write, I look forward to reading more of your work!