Forsaken

Lengthy were the nights subsequent

to the days of your absence,

for the planet I once was, depended

on the light of your presence.

 

Shall I await the day

we are once again lovers?

Or hast thou forgotten me

to lust for another?

 

Phantoms of your embracing arms linger as

haunting memories of departed bliss,

tell me, oh, tell me; when did

your sleeves alter into a noose?

Author's Note

This didn't quite come out as expected . . . Nonetheless, I do hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Haunting.

I really like the metaphor you pull off in the first stanza. People often throw around the saying about someone being "your whole world", but I think the one you just wrote is better. It has something more...elegant to it. The narrator has become a planet barren and cold, dying without the light of its sun, everything within it inevitably perishing. Very grim and adequately describing a broken heart.

The last stanza though was beautiful in what it said. "Phantoms of embracing arms linger", is perfect. Like an amputated limb, so much apart of you that you still feel it, even though it isn't there anymore. The pain in this piece is...exquisite.

Well done my friend. A very, very emotional write.

-Caradoc

[Tai Ryens]

Here I thought I was being a bit too cliche with that line; writing alongside to the concepts so many people use. I thank you kindly for the review.

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome, my talented, skillful friend.

[Isabel]

This poem made me miss our friend, Caradoc, more.

[Tai Ryens]

Indeed, Caradoc was a very intellectual dear to have on this site. He is much missed.

[Pax]

Tai my friend, indeed, he is missed. Caradoc my friend, hope your doing alright and fine... come back when your well... :)

[Caradoc]

"tell me, oh, tell me; when did
your sleeves alter into a noose?"

Reading this again, these lines stick out. Very potent, the narrator becoming asphyxiated by the memories of times that once brought joy. You are truly an amazing poet, Tai.

I have missed the two of you as well.

[Tai Ryens]

Caradoc! You were missed, friend. I'm glad you find content in my work, it means a lot.

[Caradoc]

This piece...pretty much sums up my life right about now.

[Tai Ryens]

And likewise, dear friend.

[Dhaye]

This is a moving piece...a voice of a forsaken one.
Well-penned.

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you.

[Rhea752]

This is so dark and beautiful. The last line is a twist, I love it so much. Well done. Keep writing!!! :D

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you.

[Cassie]

This is nice, I love it, its quite sad to feel forsaken and you have portrayed that in the poem

[Sami Khalil]

Well penned. A lovely write...:)

[Sourav]

The last stanza is very good. It completes the poem nicely... well written.

[Tai Ryens]

Indeed it does. Thank you.

[SHEEMA HUQ]

You have certianly captured the atmosphere of dispair, the probing questions work well, overall, great writing!

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you!

[SHEEMA HUQ]

I particularly appreciate your classical approach, I think that I need to point out a minor grammatical blip, however; when you say,

'for the planet I once was depended ...you might mean 'dependant', instead

on the light of your presence '

Other wise I didn't possibly praise this wonderful poem enough, mega-points, it is really great!

[jerrypat]

Dark and deeply moving is this poem, and nothing quite brings a poem more admiration that being able to delve into the dark without seeming to whine. You have managed to do that in this pensive, but somewhat bellicose manner. Good writing.

[Tai Ryens]

The dark is somewhat home to me. I find wonderland only a place to visit. Thank you.

[Heather Anne]

fabulous write! i love the emotion in it and the imagery it evokes. the first two lines are so poignant and links so well with the last stanza. it epitomises what many feel when their hearts are shattered.

[MOON]

Great word choice love the noose especially lovely imagery too.