Forsaken

Lengthy were the nights subsequent

to the days of your absence,

for the planet I once was, depended

on the light of your presence.

 

Shall I await the day

we are once again lovers?

Or hast thou forgotten me

to lust for another?

 

Phantoms of your embracing arms linger as

haunting memories of departed bliss,

tell me, oh, tell me; when did

your sleeves alter into a noose?

Author's Note

This didn't quite come out as expected . . . Nonetheless, I do hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Haunting.

I really like the metaphor you pull off in the first stanza. People often throw around the saying about someone being "your whole world", but I think the one you just wrote is better. It has something more...elegant to it. The narrator has become a planet barren and cold, dying without the light of its sun, everything within it inevitably perishing. Very grim and adequately describing a broken heart.

The last stanza though was beautiful in what it said. "Phantoms of embracing arms linger", is perfect. Like an amputated limb, so much apart of you that you still feel it, even though it isn't there anymore. The pain in this piece is...exquisite.

Well done my friend. A very, very emotional write.

-Caradoc

[Tai Ryens]

Here I thought I was being a bit too cliche with that line; writing alongside to the concepts so many people use. I thank you kindly for the review.

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome, my talented, skillful friend.

[Isabel]

This poem made me miss our friend, Caradoc, more.

[Tai Ryens]

Indeed, Caradoc was a very intellectual dear to have on this site. He is much missed.

[Pax]

Tai my friend, indeed, he is missed. Caradoc my friend, hope your doing alright and fine... come back when your well... :)

[Caradoc]

"tell me, oh, tell me; when did
your sleeves alter into a noose?"

Reading this again, these lines stick out. Very potent, the narrator becoming asphyxiated by the memories of times that once brought joy. You are truly an amazing poet, Tai.

I have missed the two of you as well.

[Tai Ryens]

Caradoc! You were missed, friend. I'm glad you find content in my work, it means a lot.

[Caradoc]

This piece...pretty much sums up my life right about now.

[Tai Ryens]

And likewise, dear friend.

[Ghost of Jupiter]

The emotion you want to convey is strongly spelled out by your brilliant choice of words... Sometimes a ghost of a person lingers, not the entire picture of them...sometimes just the the way they embraced you, their scent, the tune of their laugh...and you wait with this apparition, wondering if the love you felt will be resurrected... Or will it continue to fade away...leaving you with the strangulating memories of the past... Mmm... Felt this piece to my core, wonderful words and image you portrayed.

[Tai Ryens]

Glad I could sway you, thanks muchly, K!

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

Stunning write. Nicely written.

Kaze~ ^_^

[Tai Ryens]

THank you, Kaze.

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

Your very welcome. :-)

[sheriH 2]

Good,. Seems like a forbidden love deal , nice
-sheri

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, Sheri.

[VelvetRosetta]

The ending was strong but this is what caught my attention..

Shall I await the day
we are once again lovers?
Or hast thou forgotten me
to lust for another?

I enjoyed this!

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, Velvet, glad you enjoyed.

[VelvetRosetta]

I did indeed! Your welcome.

[BlackRose]

I really liked this one. Clever the way you wrote this. Some do hope that the love they once had would come back and be better than ever and the two would never part again. It happens sadly in life. But of those times is it worth it, is that one really in love or just hanging on to just have someone be there as a comfort blanket.

@{/:o)

[Tai Ryens]

Ahh, thank you, BlackRose.

[BlackRose]

Your very welcome.

[Tai Ryens]

I'm on my way to review a few more, just a prior notice. I really like your style.

[BlackRose]

Thanks so much for this. I really like your style here too. :o) And will of course review more of your too.

[Einstein Noodle]

sometimes ...sometimes ..love's a noose for sure ...really like the way you turn the embrace into sleeves that choke ... "Forsaken" does a good job depicting after effects when it goes bad for someone .. my own memories of such a thing still turn my gut a bit .. even tho long ago .. must go find something happy to read and keep my ying a yanging :)
E.

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, I have to say, however egotistical I might sound right now, that that concept is one of my favorite ones that I've thought of since the day I began writing. Thank you, Einstein Noodle.

[Vidya Bacchus]

"tell me, oh, tell me; when did

your sleeves alter into a noose?"

These lines were so sad .Sometimes people grow apart suddenly you are left wondering where did your lovely relationship go.Things that once were endearing are now stifling .One moves on as the other is left pondering.Very excellent poem.

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, Vidya Bacchus, your thoughts mean a lot.

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are most welcome :)

[paul sal.....]

Poignant telling of love once enduring followed by unceasing loneliness. Don't wait another day, there are good hearts in other parts of the planet..................

[Tai Ryens]

You're a true optimist, p, aha. Thank you for your kind words and advice.

[paul sal.....]

not really an optimist, but I believe in crossing roads...............that is why I am having a cup of coffee at the Writers Cafe and it is so nice to meet you......

[paul sal.....]

my name is paul

[Tai Ryens]

It's nice to (re)meet you, Paul! Aha.

[paul sal.....]

hows the past year been?

[Tai Ryens]

My year has been fine, thank you for asking! Yourself?

[paul sal.....]

winter has yielded to spring and watered summer along with crocus and tulups and other spring bulbs whoes names escape me but liilies are bursting out with unabashed color and summers warmth wraps me in another year of hope hopeing the defective elemets permiating the eastern world will come to their senses and start planting lillies with water instead of blood. Other wise i am fine and enjoying summer and trust you are doing the same

[Anita Singh]

Absolutely loved the ending.
"when did your sleeves alter into a noose?"

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, annabella.

[Blue]

You penned my emotions in almost exact words! Thank you for this.

[Tai Ryens]

And I thank you for reading!