Forsaken

Lengthy were the nights subsequent

to the days of your absence,

for the planet I once was, depended

on the light of your presence.

 

Shall I await the day

we are once again lovers?

Or hast thou forgotten me

to lust for another?

 

Phantoms of your embracing arms linger as

haunting memories of departed bliss,

tell me, oh, tell me; when did

your sleeves alter into a noose?

Author's Note

This didn't quite come out as expected . . . Nonetheless, I do hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Haunting.

I really like the metaphor you pull off in the first stanza. People often throw around the saying about someone being "your whole world", but I think the one you just wrote is better. It has something more...elegant to it. The narrator has become a planet barren and cold, dying without the light of its sun, everything within it inevitably perishing. Very grim and adequately describing a broken heart.

The last stanza though was beautiful in what it said. "Phantoms of embracing arms linger", is perfect. Like an amputated limb, so much apart of you that you still feel it, even though it isn't there anymore. The pain in this piece is...exquisite.

Well done my friend. A very, very emotional write.

-Caradoc

[Tai Ryens]

Here I thought I was being a bit too cliche with that line; writing alongside to the concepts so many people use. I thank you kindly for the review.

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome, my talented, skillful friend.

[Isabel]

This poem made me miss our friend, Caradoc, more.

[Tai Ryens]

Indeed, Caradoc was a very intellectual dear to have on this site. He is much missed.

[Pax]

Tai my friend, indeed, he is missed. Caradoc my friend, hope your doing alright and fine... come back when your well... :)

[Caradoc]

"tell me, oh, tell me; when did
your sleeves alter into a noose?"

Reading this again, these lines stick out. Very potent, the narrator becoming asphyxiated by the memories of times that once brought joy. You are truly an amazing poet, Tai.

I have missed the two of you as well.

[Tai Ryens]

Caradoc! You were missed, friend. I'm glad you find content in my work, it means a lot.

[Caradoc]

This piece...pretty much sums up my life right about now.

[Tai Ryens]

And likewise, dear friend.

[emipoemi]

no comma needed in Stanza 1 Line 3 (or the word would be better as "dependent"), and "lust for" would be better as "lust after" for a number of reasons (grammatically and poetically), however, goodness me, does this poem hit close to home. I've been there a few times, and it hurts like hell. That last line is kil-ler!! Beautiful!! Absolutely stellar! Well done!

[rachellynn]

Unlike you, I'm not very good at reviewing poetry. With that being said, I simply enjoyed reading your beautiful poem. Nothing is worse than losing the one you love. Thank you for sharing

[Tai Ryens]

Nothing, indeed. Except maybe when two people meet in a space between lovers and friends that never quite closes.

Thank you for stopping by.

[J. Espedal]

I find it difficult to review poetry - one either likes a poem or doesn't and I, at least, do not always know why I like a specific poem. So I will simply say that I like your poetry

[Coyote Poetry]

Amazing words in this poem. I had to read again. I liked the words and thoughts in this poem.
"Shall I await the day
we are once again lovers?
Or hast thou forgotten me
to lust for another?"
Phantoms love leave us yearning and alone. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Tai Ryens]

Ah, thanks for stopping by, Coyoty Poetry. Your words are appreciated.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[Nyu]

Attention grabbing!
I love your choice of words, every single one was beautifully placed after the other.
You have a fascinatingly gorgeous voice for poetry.
Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work! :)

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you fro stopping by, Jellycat.

[Jamestown]

This wording is terrific, sorry you had to go through this, but I'm happy
I was able to read your thoughts, thanks for sharing.

[Tai Ryens]

Thanks for stopping by!

[Astrid]

Such sorrow and beauty ~ Great piece

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you for your thoughts.

[Matching Socks]

Very much enjoyed this.
The sleeves becoming the noose. Brilliant.

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you.

[Tate Morgan]

Love and hate two sides of the same coin. How quickly we go from bliss to to anger and disappointment. Well done

[Tai Ryens]

Thanks for stopping by, Tate.

[katnisscat]

Wait....what? Plot twist she was dead the whole time.

[Tai Ryens]

Not literal phantoms. Thanks for stopping by.

[katnisscat]

hey, i read your 'about the author' thing. I really like it. It's very poetic.

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you. I rather like yours as well; simple and intriguing.