Rock-A-By Polar

Slow work in progress...

 Introduction

I live her life day by day; finding some way to get through it.  With one breathe and one step at a time, I’ve found a rhythm to her survival. I wake up hoping to have healed a bit further; too find out there really is a cure.  I try and listen to those healthier people around me; doing so is vital to her sanity.  I can’t trust her to guide me through life.  Everyone else knows best.

The doctor gave a diagnosis and scribbled down the answer; happiness at 10 milligrams a day with 75 milligrams of ease. I too can live healthier; normal just like you. Trying to obtain normal, to feel normal, isn’t as easy as it’s made out to be.  Although it may not be an easy objective to acquire, I want to think things would somehow be easier with normal in my life.

Anger forever lies within, with no where to turn but in.  Her anger is apart of me and has become a piece of who I am today.  I feel it within me with every breathe I take.  Each inhale reminds me how trapped I feel.  Still, some things I am unaware of, but mostly, there is anger; anger for her and anger for the life she has given me.  Her untold truths begin to pile up. I want to believe there are no lies, but I can’t deny the knot growing within.  She and I both feel the pain, centralized within, but only I have to deal with it. Normal seems so simple.  I see it within all who aren’t me.  Honestly, I don’t know how everyone else feels, but it seems life would be simpler if normal was more within my grasp.  What must I give up to have this simple thing?  It’s about more than what I have or will gain, what about dignity?  Pride for me isn’t what I hoped it to be.  What exactly is normal and why do I need it so badly? 

I’m a fighter, even when it does seem useless, I will fight for a better tomorrow.  Strength may be a commodity, but I will be strong enough to keep going.  I believe that strength is somewhere, even within me.  I will fight for my survival.  I hope for things to fall into place, even if it seems false.  I want my tomorrow to be something to smile about.

And yet, her voice grows, bringing a terrible throbbing from within, where only I live.  It reaches from the pit of her being and brings me to my knees.    Eagerness to ‘BE’ better; to open her eyes one day and have the answers can’t only be a dream. Yet the stench of sabotage is growing, and by her own hand no less. Bad things seem inevitable, and I can’t do anything about it; not just yet.

I’ll tell you that normal is all I really want, but stop the one thing that will make it possible.  How can this be?  This I can only blame myself for.  Blocking out the knowledge of a healthier me can be simpler than dealing with my truth.  Lies are becoming more evident and they aren’t only hers anymore.  It may not be possible to keep sanity if I continue along this descending spiral.  I wait for someone to see, to notice, and am not sure they really do … I turn my back on normal, giving up is more than about being defeated.  Now I let those close to me down and I feel there may be no turning back.

Time lapses, I must be fine, even if I don’t feel it, I hope it.  I want it more than anything, but can’t seem to obtain it. Why can't it just be true?  I will myself to believe, hoping truth can be molded, almost out of clay and formed into reality … my reality.

In all this time, I thought I knew what everyone wanted.  I thought I knew what I wanted.  I don’t understand why everything I hoped for became nothing but a distant dream.  And yet I gave up on that dream, letting her be the one to take me over.  Reality has brought nothing but pain to those closest to me.  I honestly hoped for the best, but it didn’t happen.  It turns out, hope just isn’t enough; look at me now. 

I sit very still and try to listen; only listen, and truly hear the words of wisdom only those close to me can give, as much as they pain me.  There are many questions, but so few answers.  It’s all pure recklessness on my behalf.  I hope those closest to me somehow know I never meant to cause them pain. 

Apart of me just wants them to know how hard it really is, even now, to be stuck inside her body.  This used up, broken body that needs so much attention and diligence to fix. I want it to be easier.

Living with bipolar may NOT be the worst affliction a person can live with, but it isn’t the easiest either.  This illness creates many different attitudes within one body that each contradicts one another.  Sometimes within the span of one day I’ll experience more than a handful of real, deep, emotions.  I personally was diagnosed with bipolar II, but there are several different types of bipolar that range in severity.  Being someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar II, I have learned and now feel it very important to refer to myself as having bipolar and not being bipolar.  This disorder is something that I have/live with, but it is NOT who I am.  Since being diagnosed I’ve come across many pamphlets, all which say something like, “Okay, you’re bipolar, now what?”  This is exactly what I want to know; in particular, what does it mean for me and those closest to me?

Bipolar II breaks down into a laundry list of symptoms, which constantly change and appear in different manners; all of which still need to be broken down into categories, and then defined by their triggers.  A trigger can be anything that causes any symptom within the bipolar II to arise.  Finding out what your specific triggers are can be a long, tedious road that will be very beneficial to not only those around you, but to you yourself as well.  Becoming aware of what makes you feel what and why can help you to be accountable and even prevent a patter. In order to do so, there are many convenient tracking methods already available.  I, myself didn’t realize how important mapping your moods truly is, at least not until I tried it and began to learn even more about me and the bipolar II.  I’ve used a calendar to map my mood by each day, answering a number of simple questions about my day.  After only a short period of time, I was able to figure out when certain events or things happen, what mood/symptom I might experience.  For some people, keeping a journal is apart of a daily routine; this is no different.  It can be considered vital to functioning within some sort of normalcy.

Chapter One:  Mania

Bipolar II disorder causes episodes of mania, where I personally experience increased self-esteem, overly goal orientated, happiness no matter what happens, racing thoughts, talkativeness, decreased need for sleep, impulsiveness, highly distractible, anxiety, irritability and extreme anger or rage.  All of these symptoms don’t always happen by themselves, or at the same time.  When I experience mania there is no telling which particular symptom I will or will not experience.  Each time is a new spin of the bipolar wheel.  Sometimes I just feel more ambitious or creative, which is really enticing, but the symptoms usually progress into terrible extremes. 

The euphoric feeling of mania is often a pitfall, because it feels so enjoyable, at least in the beginning when I still feel as though I have some control.  The fact of the matter is, once mania hits, I’ve already lost control.  For me though, it sometimes seems better to not be on a treatment program, just to experience the mania … that is, until the true face of the beast shows itself and then I’m usually too far into the mania to ask for help or just too embarrassed.  The enticing aspect of mania brings about ambitions and creativity that sucks me in each time.  I love when I feel as though the world is mine for the taking; when I feel as though there isn’t anything I can’t accomplish.  The simplest of tasks or even the hardest are all mine to accomplish.  The reality of it all is though; I rarely finish any of the tasks I start.  I tend to make a bigger mess of things than tasks I manage to accomplish.  The reality is mania takes me on the biggest roller-coaster ride of my life each time I experience it. 

 

Increased self-esteem …

This seems as though it could be a great addition to anyone; what harm could it really do, right?  This increase is more than just self-confidence or feeling so good about oneself.  At the extreme it can reach during mania, it seems more like an inflated ego.  It does start out harmless enough, like a deflated balloon slowly being filled, but it doesn’t stop there, it continues to expand, reaching beyond its limit and finally has no other choice but to pop!  This increased self-esteem is more than just feeling good when I look in the mirror; it seems to always skip to something more like I’m better than you, even if it isn’t stated aloud.  As I continue again and again into this spiral, I can only imagine how annoying this is to those who know me and anyone around me.  Imagine the kind of first impression I can make on a complete stranger if I happen to be in this particular mood.  When everything is said and done, I’m left with guilt and humiliation.  I try to pick up all the pieces, but there is nothing that can be taken back and forgotten, just hopefully forgiven. 

Overly goal oriented …

When feeling this way, I want to take on the world, so to speak.  I feel as though everything is within my grasp; that I can accomplish just about any task I put my mind to, no matter how extreme or bizarre it might be.  It doesn’t even have to be something crazy, it may just be too much of something that I feel I can finish all at the same time.  Cleaning the house can be just that, but a satisfying task if I manage to finish.  I will usually start the kitchen and get as far as unloading, maybe reloading the dishwasher and become bored with the chore.  I will move on to the living room and begin to dust, then move onto the bathroom and clear everything out to sweep and finally get bored enough to hopefully get back to the kitchen, and now every room in the house is partially started.  For some reason I start to feel an intense need to move on or something catches my eye and I will forget about what I was doing and start something new.  When I look around I feel as though I haven’t accomplished anything because everything is in disarray.  There are times I get so overly excited about the thought of something, I feel it has to be done ALL AT ONCE or maybe not even at all.  But in this particular mood, it’s rather hard for me to know when too much is well, too much to handle.  Even taking on multiple small tasks is enough to be too much to handle, when I’m feeling overly goal orientated, because also in this mood, I can start to get overwhelmed fast as well.  Sometimes there are just a lot of small tasks that I hope to accomplish with in one day, but ultimately try to get them done all at once and become so overwhelmed that I will sometimes stop everything all at once and then it’s very difficult to start any of the projects again.  Still I can’t shake a certain complex; I tend to feel as though I’m superwoman … invincible and fast as light! 

Happy no matter what …

From an outside perspective, this actually seems near impossible, but at the severe-ness of mania, with poor judgment at its peak, bad things, like events and decisions, seem to have less affect on me.  I don’t seem to register these things in the same way I would if I was level headed.  Any sort of bad news/event doesn’t seem to be as important when I’m on a mania high, just like being on a drug high; all your judgment is impaired.  I’m just so happy that nothing feels as bas as it should seem.  Bad decisions I make at this time don’t affect me until later, when the mood starts to subside.  When I’m so high on happiness, the guilt of bad decisions takes quite a while to catch up to me, unless someone brings it directly to my attention, which has happened before, and everything all at once comes crashing back to reality.  Sometimes though, even then, there are times when a bad decision brought to my attention still won’t affect me how it should, while I’m still under the influence of this extreme happiness.  I’m floating in a cloud of pure euphoria and this makes me very hard to reason with.  I see one thing, how great everything is, as fictional as that particular fact might be at the time.  While being infused with this artificial happiness, I’ll tend to make up tunes and dance a lot.  I’ve noticed that within this artificial happiness, I really like attention, which is something that I don’t normally seek out, especially from people I don’t know very well.

Racing thoughts …

These are a nuisance no matter how they are seen.  My thoughts tend to race faster than I can grasp them.  Concentrating on just one is a difficult chore, which is exactly what it is, a chore, because racing thoughts are a never ending job I must constantly maintain to keep some sense of organization.  I attempt to wrestle my way through the mess, hoping to breathe a glimpse of the end of all these thoughts.  It’s as though I have an orchestra constantly playing in my head, and then I have to add thought, feeling and everyday conversation to the mix.  I’m juggling each thought simultaneously.  I myself can’t seem to control the tempo.  There’s no rhythm to any of the chaos.  Making sense of all the nonsense is an endless task, I don’t often attempt.  During these times, I will begin to feel very profound and compelled to express myself, but unable to form a complete thought to do so.  I usually attempt to write a piece of poetry, but often coming up empty handed, only emptying but one thought at a time; each though sometimes having nothing to do with one another, causing absolute frustration.  It can take months to come up with a small working piece of a poem.  Then there are times when I’m emptying more thoughts than I’m able to keep up with; all of which make no sense forming small pieces of multiple poems.  Often I feel as though I don’t have a clue what I’m thinking.  With all of this chaos in my head, I feel a constant need to always be moving; feeling anxious for something to happen.  I’m always engaging in something, whether it’s running my fingers through my hair or tapping my toes against whatever surface is closest.  It’s a constant itch I MUST scratch!  These constant movements are just a picture of what is happening inside my head.  Racing thoughts also make falling asleep quite the chore as well.  When I lay down, I feel pressure to relax, to clam myself and to stop my mind from racing.  Trying to lay still long enough to relax and stop my mind from racing, feels near impossible.  Stopping this just long enough for me to relax and drift off can take anywhere from 10 " 30 minutes, and sometimes even 45 minutes to an hour when I’m feeling really restless, even if it is for sleep! 

Pressure to talk …

I would say the excessive talkativeness is exactly what this is during mania.  It isn’t just the silences that pass every now and again.  It is more than just having something to talk about with a friend; it is about feeling as though if I don’t talk, I will explode.  Even when someone else is talking, I have a hard time concentrating on what they’re saying because I’m always thinking about what I’ll say next or when it will be my turn to talk again.  A lot of the time I will try to relate what I’m going to say in anyway, just so I can say something!  There have been occasions where I will talk so much within a time period that I have started to loose my voice.  I will start to get horse and cough.  It isn’t until this point that I have began to realize that I have talked more in just an hour than I have all month.  This particular mood seems to revolve around me and everything that I not need to say, but absolutely have to say! 

Decreased need for sleep …

This could easily be confused with being like insomnia, but in fact they are different.  While insomnia is a difficulty falling and staying asleep, a decreased need for sleep isn’t about having trouble with sleep itself.  A decreased need for sleep doesn’t require the same amount of sleep time.  For example, if a person usually requires 8 to 10 hours of sleep, they might only need to get 3 to 5 hours of sleep during this particular time.  For me, when I’m experiencing this particular symptom, I sleep sound and feel as though I slept for a longer period of time than I actually did; this seems to be common of this symptom.  I often feel as though I slept for the same amount of hours I normally needed, when I actually only received about half of what I normally require.  I can’t really explain what the decreased need for sleep is about, but it is a symptom that I often experience during mania. 

Impulsiveness …

A leap before you look approach is often a strong characteristic on my personal mania symptoms.  My judgment during this period is questionable.  My impulsiveness will range from a need to spend money to engaging in questionable activities.  During this period, I often feel an intense need to buy things.  The thing about this particular need is that it doesn't even need to be something very expensive.  If I can spend just a dollar on something, this incredible urge will be satisfied, even if it is only momentarily. 

Highly distractible …

Being in this state  is very annoying and frustrating.  When I’m in this state I find myself easily distracted from each and every task.  My thoughts drift from one thing to the other.  I try to start one task and my mind drifts to other things I need to accomplish.  I find it hard to concentrate on what I need to be doing, eager to start other projects. 

Anxiety with a little extra extra …   

Not only do I have bipolar II, but I've also been diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder, which doesn't help the situation one bit.  While anxiety can be a symptom of bipolar, it tends to be very mild with less intense symptoms, but not in my case.  I slowly came to the realization that I not only need medicine for the bipolar, but a whole separate regiment for the anxiety to keep it in check.  Anxiety itself, causes shortness of breath, racing heartbeat, cold hands and feet, tremors, light-headedness, feeling restless, very easily tired, having difficulty concentrating or remembering (where your mind just goes blank all of a sudden), having tense muscles, trouble falling asleep or even staying asleep, not feeling rested after sleep, crying and worry.   Anxiety can also make it seem as though your body is going through heart disease, like heaviness in the chest, respiratory illness, such as asthma problems, and digestive diseases, like constipation and diarrhea.  It amazes me that such physical manifestations can happen just because of a chemical imbalance.  While not being on a regimented does of medicine for the anxiety I tend to feel very sick and unable to perform even the simplest task.  I exhibit a lack of concentration and ability to remember things that someone has previously asked me just moments ago.  While I tend to experience all of the above symptoms, the worry and feeling of restlessness seems to really attach itself to me.  I will worry myself sick.  It is never just one thing in particular that I will worry about either.  Anything that comes my way will be a reason to worry. 

Irritability …       

For me, this tends to be a constant state of feeling overwhelmed.  The slightest task, question, or even touch becomes a catastrophe.    Once I’m annoyed I start to pick that person apart in my mind, singling out all their flaws, making myself even more aggravated because that person IS that way, which logically makes no sense, EVEN TO ME!  But even so, my irritability takes over and I find it hard to control myself.  I can’t seem to logically see any point of view.  This feeling isn't caused by anything in particular, but by EVERYTHING around me.  There are times when I get so annoyed that I become very angry and enraged with those around me.  These moments make it very hard for me to be around people, especially to be in public places, where I know I can’t control everyone around me.  Gum chewers are the worse for me in these moments.  No matter how soft they chew, it feels magnified in my head and I start to feel as though I’m going crazy, because I can’t just tell some random stranger to spit out their gum or that they are chewing like a cow.    It’s in these moments that I’m truly tested to control the bipolar.  The annoyance builds up to the point, that I know if I did try and say something I would end up yelling at some stranger, for really no particular reason at all … at least not one that they would understand without knowing me.  Truthfully though, even knowing me doesn't always help with the frustration.  I can only imagine the frustration and patience my family and friends must endure.  This is something that I've had to find a way to cope with, because it isn't anyone’s fault.  

Author's Note

Beginning of a book I'm writing. It's been revamped a couple times, I finally found the path I wanna take!

Reviews

[The DuchessPoet]

My, talented poet, I don't know where this might go but I certainly do like where it went!
Your words:
"Everyone else knows best. The doctor gave a diagnosis and scribbled down the answer; happiness at 2 milligrams a day with 100 milligrams of ease. Now she will live like you. Normal. To try and be normal. She needed to feel normal. Yet what was normal and why did she need it so badly? "
That statement definitely sets the the stage!

This is very good!
Keep em' coming my friend! Keep them coming!

[Alias Fletcher]

This is a great beginning. The honesty of this story is unusual. Most people want to be known, but are afraid to do so because they feel vulnerable. Keep writing!

Did you know that Skyraven got married? She sounds really happy and balanced. Love & Hugs, charly

P.S. If you want a project, we need knitted doggy jackets for Pylo, out Yorkie/Maltese mix. We'll supply the yarn.

[Sheila Kline]

I saw that The DuchessPoet had added this to her list so I came to read, and I am glad to have made the trip here!
Interesting, and will follow this story as you go along! Yes, the "doctors" have all the answers in a RX handed to you......take this, get on with your life! If it were just that simple!
You have done a good job of taking a lead line and developing it. I think it would make a wonderful read as a short story!
Keep at it!!
Sheila

[Last Lying Look]

I think that this has amazing potential!
"She found a rhythm to her survival.
Waking each day to heal further, doing as she's told is key to her sanity."
^ That's really neat.
Amazing write.
The title is really neat to.
It's what pulled me in.
-E.R

[Alias Fletcher]

I am going to try this link with my wife (see has trouble seeing too): http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

hope this helps, charly

[Alias Fletcher]

checkout: http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20026816.000-the-online-doctor-will-see-you-now.html

A good first chapter to a true story! charly

[Alias Fletcher]

I love you, keep on going, charly

[R. Ellison]

I'm curious if/how this will continue, and where it will go...

[Kathryn]

Definitely the beginning of something. Actually, were you to put this into paragraph form, this sounds like it could be the beginning of a short story, or even a novel...I love the beginning and how it automatically caught my attention; why did she need to? was she not normal? what made her abnormal? what would she do to feel normal? These and many more questions automatically run through the reader's mind by seeing only the first paragraph. Or, maybe, just through my mind, as I'm fairly certain it works differently from most anyway, but this truly sounds like the beginning of something very intriguing; please keep writing! =]

☼ k i t t i ☼