SHADOW

I THINK IT IS SAFE TO SAY THAT I FEEL KIND OF HATED. IN SOME WAYS I FIND IT IS INTENTIONAL FROM SOME AND MAYBE I EVEN HATE MY OWN SELF. I FEEL LEFT BEHIND IN THE CROWD. I FEEL THAT IF MY FRIENDS WERE WALKING IN THE MALL MY INSIGNIFICANCE WOULD EASILY HAVE ME LEFT BEHIND AND FORGOTTEN. MY ABSENSE WOULD NOT REGISTER FOR AWHILE. I FEEL MY HUSBAND DOES NOT RESPECT ME AS A STRONG INTELLIGENT WOMAN AND IT HAS MADE ME FEEL WEAKER. I FEEL THAT KS NEGATIVITY IS DRAINING ON MANY LEVELS YET SHE IS STILL IN MY LIFE. I FEEL THAT THE DICK HEAD OF A DOCTOR I SAW A MONTH OR SO AGO WAS SOMEWHAT INSANE BUT ALSO ON THE MONEY WHEN HE TOLD ME WHAT HE DID. MAYBE THAT WAS WHY WE CLASHED SO MUCH BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH. I FEEL VERY WORN DOWN AND LITTLE, INSIGNIFICANT, ABSENT, A SHADOW IN THE ROOM. WHETHER I AM WITH FRIENDS, PEOPLE I ASSOCIATE WITH OR EVEN MY HUSBAND I FEEL LIKE I AM LESS THAN THEY ARE. I FEEL I AM NO LONGER HEARD AND THAT I HAVE BECOME TIRESOME TO THEM. I FEEL IN ALOT OF WAYS I SHOULD MOVE ON BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF ME TO. BUT SINCE YOU CANT LEAVE YOURSELF WITHOUT DOING SOMETHING PERMANENT IM STUCK WITH ME FOREVER.

CHANGE WOULD BE WONDERFUL. CHANGE WOULD BE GREAT. I FEEL LIKE S**T AND FAKE 99% OF THE TIME ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE I AM ALWAYS FIGHTING TO KEEP IN PACE WITH THE WORLD AROUND ME AND I AM HAVING TROUBLE KEEPING UP WITH THE PACE OF LIFE IN GENERAL. I FEEL BROKEN AND OLD, WORN OUT, USED UP AND SOMEWHAT EMPTY. I DONT FEEL THAT PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I FEEL THIS AND HOW OFTEN. I AM SCARED. I WANT TO FEEL BETTER, CLEAN, REFRESHED, IN CHARGE AND RECHARGED. I AM JUST SLOTHING ALONG THROUGH LIFE AND SOUND LIKE A PAIR OF SLIPPERS ON AN ENAMEL FLOOR.

I WANT SO MUCH TO BELONG, SO MUCH TO BE, I WANT TO FEEL THE AIR AS I SHOULD FEEL IT, SMELL THE FLOWERS AS THEY SHOULD SMELL, TASTE THE FOOD AS IT SHOULD BE TASTED AND SEE THE WORLD AS IT SHOULD BE SEEN. I DO NOT FEEL ALIVE IN MY SENSES I FEEL NUMB.

EMOTIONALLY I AM PARALIZED BY SO MANY THINGS, PEOPLE, FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. I FEEL MY GROWTH HAS BEEN STUNTED AND THAT I DO NOT MOVE TO THE TUNE OF ANYTHING ANYMORE. MY HEART FEELS SLOWER, MY MIND, MY SOUL. YET I ALWAYS KEEP HOPING FOR CHANGE, TO FEEL BETTER, TO FEEL FREE, TO FEEL LOVED AND TO LOVE BACK COMPLETELY, TO BE HEARD AND TO HEAR. I WANT TO BE IMPORTANT TO OTHERS AND I TRY TO MAKE OTHERS FEEL IMPORTANT, BUT I AM SO TIRED I HAVE LOST MY POWER TO HEAL.

I HAVE FOUGHT FOR SO LONG TO MAKE IT TO SOME PLACE AND I AM NOT ANY PLACE I FEEL I SHOULD BE. I WORKED HARD FOR SO MANY THINGS AND FOR WHAT REASON DID I WORK SO HARD. WHERE ARE THE RESULTS. WHERE ARE THE DREAMS. WHERE AM I. SIMPLE STATEMENTS NOT QUESTIONS. ALL THE QUESTIONS HAVE NO ANSWERS SO THEY ARE NO LONGER ASKED. MEMORIES ARE FARTHER AND FARTHER REMOVED FROM ME EVERY DAY. I WANT ALOT. I SEEK ALOT BUT I FIND LITTLE. I NEVER FEEL ENOUGH OR THAT I AM ENOUGH OR THAT I HAVE DONE ENOUGH. I HAVE LOST ALOT OF MYSELF, I DONT KNOW WHERE I HAVE GONE AND WHEN I AM COMING BACK OR IF I AM OR IF I CAN. I FEEL VERY LOST, VERY ALONE AND VERY FAR AWAY. I AM JUST A SHADOW AMONG MANY BRIGHT THINGS.