I Promise I'm Not Sixteen

I just want someone to tell me it will be okay,

someone to hold me tight.

I want love and support and reality.

I want unfailing kindness, 

and availability.

I want to self-destruct.

I want to finally throw myself in front of that MACK truck.

I want to be thin and ghostly and gone,

to be free and joyful and numb.

No, I don't want to feel.

I don't want to exist.

I can't die inside when I breathe in.

No, I don't want this body.

No, I don't want this mind--

I don't want this pain in my chest.

I can't ruin everything.

I can't hurt the ones I love,

But I am not suited for life.

I am weak and hopeless and lost.

I am a failure,

a waste of space,

waste of God's good grace.

There is no hope,

I will never be better.

I will never assimilate into the mold.

I will not be free,

And I will not have hope--

I will grow fail and old.

I will be alone

I will be unhappy

And someday,

some blessed day,

I will die.

Author's Note

no judgies

Reviews

[FireFly]

Wow. At first, the font color bothered me. But then...I read the poem and it all made perfect sense. A wonderful touch, really. Your raw emotion here, your desperate wish for death...all executed perfectly. Wonderful!

[The White Wolf]

No judgies here :) I liked several aspects of this. 1) The font color...like a ghost..fading into the page. 2) The vulnerability of your writing. 3) The honest portrayal of REAL feelings. Overall, I am in love with this. The feelings you speak of are so relatable to me. I have been in that place. Very nicely done!

[Holly Soques]

woah... this hits hard. The title was intriguing and what drew me in, and still remains a bit an enigma, but I accept that and the rest of your portrayal of that awkward phase of transition into adulthood worked perfectly for this piece. Yet, there was also the sense that this despair runs deeper than that, because you've captured so well through the repetitions the honest desire for nothing but death. Great poem, loved it!