Its a Hard Knock Life: pg 3

   Twelve years later, Versai laid back on the sweet smelling green grass staring up at the serene blue sky. “If only I can drift above the clouds...” Versai had grown up to be a handsome and strong young boy. He was the spitting image of his mother with his dark brown hair and his dimples when he smiled, but he had the icy cold blue eyes like his fathers. Those eyes… if you stared long enough at them, you will feel like you are getting pulled farther and farther into the ocean….

          Life was not easy without having his parents’ faithful support. The villagers never let a day go by without reminding him that he was worthless. Parents and children cast stony glares whenever he passed by. They thought that he was taking advantage of the kindhearted healer who was compassionate enough to take him in. They called Versai a good for nothing who did not work hard enough for the healer’s family.

        In the beginning, Versai felt hurt and confused that they would say such cruel remarks. He didn't understand what he did wrong. As Versai traced the clouds as fluffy sheep with his finger tips, he reminisced about a time when he used to play with the village boys. They congregated everyday at their tree house after sunset.

         Versai remembered having to say a secret password to enter the tree house - “We imps who are sly, deny all wimps who cry!" The boys would gather there and if it was sunny outside, they would play all sorts of games including catch. They would then run all over the marketplace playing practical jokes on the villagers. The villagers were at first exasperated with the troublesome children but then after awhile they just laughed it off and thought boys will be boys. Their innocuous jokes made life a little bit more interesting in their mundane lives. The villagers loved all the boys especially Versai because he was so helpful to the healer and the village folk. Despite his mischievous ways, he was always running errands for anyone who asked him for a favor.

          One day, when he climbed the ladder up to the tree house and said “We imps who are sly, deny all wimps who cry!" nobody opened the door. He thought maybe they didn't hear him and he repeated it louder “WE IMPS WHO ARE SLY, DENY ALL WIMPS WHO CRY!“ Again, no answer. He was puzzled but decided to wait outside until they came out. When they finally did come out, they walked right past him as if they didn't see him. They began playing catch and he joined the circle, but they never threw the ball toward him. When he followed them to marketplace, finally one of the boys said to him" Leave us alone!!! Don't you get it? You're not one of us anymore!!  You...you....traitor!!!" Versai was shocked by what the boy said but before he could ask him what he was talking about, they all ran off. From then on after, they never included him in their activities and he soon got the hint that he wasn't their friend anymore. Versai felt like this sudden state of isolation was like being quarantined for having some kind of contagious illness. Nobody talked to him after that day and if they did they would ridicule him and called him a back-stabber.

Reviews

[Jamie S.]

I am also a children's writer and love this story. What a wonderful idea for a childrens story! I cant offer much advice because I havent been writing very long myself but I will say your first two chapters were wonderful and this one is abit awkward. I will try to get back to this story soon. I love the title, characters, story line and artwork.

[The Perfectionist]

Oh dear.

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

You commit the deadliest sin of writing in this chapter; you switch between past and present tense. Never, ever do that. Worst of all, you do it right at the start, which kills it before it can get going. Versai's story is relatable, but there is always a reason behind it, and you don't even provide a hint as to the sudden switch in the boys' behaviour. The whole thing just doesn't make sense, and like all the others, this chapter suffers from the fact that nothing happens!

I'm going to stop reading it here, and if you would like me to continue, PM me, but tell me what age group you are aiming for, so I can critique it accordingly.

[Theresa]

I really like the art work. Did you draw that? I felt really bad for Versai in this part of the story. The background story gives the overall story more depth. Versai is a character that I'm sure many kids will be able to relate to. One minute you are accepted and the next you aren't. Nicely done.