Mother of Pearls pg 1

    It was that time of year when the wind blew, the flames danced across the horizon and fell like shooting stars to the ground. Hues of red, yellow, and orange ignited the entire village like a wild fire. Autumn was indeed a magnificent spectacle to see, but its beauty was transient. Like the leaves that fell from the tree, everything faded with time...

       A delicate young woman, Azalea struggled to sit up on the threadbare bed. With her bright green eyes she looked upon her beautiful son; it seemed like a wonderful dream, but alas it was not to last.After suffering hours of painful labor, she felt herself withering away like flower does when summer becomes fall. Minute by minute, petal by petal, her life was slowly fading away. Her only relief was that soon she would be meeting her husband again, in heaven.

        Azalea could see him now, radiating golden light, just like a glorious angel. He had the same gentle smile she had always known , which reassured her that everything would be alright once she was by his side again. Entranced by his alluring smile, she slowly reached for his evanescent hand, but then her daydream was suddenly interrupted by the piercing cries of her son. She tried to calm him down, but his cries grew louder as if he was protesting against their imminent separation and her unfortunate fate. His loud wails were like a farewell song filled with pain and sorrow.

        Pressing her face softly against the baby’s cheek, she silently wept and thought “Who would take care of this precious child of mine?” Suddenly hard, smooth, orbs rolled down her face. Azalea pulled herself away from her son, and was shocked to see that pearls lay in her lap. Her vision was blurred by her teary eyes and she wiped them with her handkerchief. For a moment she thought perhaps she might have cried tears of pearls, “Impossible! I know I have been gifted with powers…but tears of pearls? No it…” Before Azalea could further ponder this thought she was interrupted by the baby’s cries once again, and she shifted her attention to calming the babe. Gently cradling him in her arms, she rocked him back and forth, lulling a soothing melody.

Author's Note

what do you think of this as the opening page? aiming for 9 and up

Reviews

[Demetria.Ro$e.Hathaway]

ooh grate start :)

[Initium]

Well, first off, I liked it.
I haven't read anymore, but this beginning doesn't really 'catch' me.
It's not bad, actually, really good, but I'm just not brought into this.
Maybe I'm weird. Crying pearls is very unique...
But anyhow, I like how the story flows, but I'm not really sure if you needed to explain the woman's looks more than her son's.
Hey, I'm picky. You shouldn't worry too much about my complaints.

Thank you for writing this.

[PaperHearts]

This was a fantastic first chapter/page. I was really drawn into the story, and amazed by the amount of detail you put into describing the scene. Your choice of words in creating imagery was amazing, and really made me believe and be able to imagine the situation. In saying that though, I'm not entirely sure what age group this book would be appropriate for. Although the concept seems very fairy-tale like and childish, some of the wording may be a bit too mature. My younger sister is 11, and I'm uncertain as to whether she would be able to appreciate this story as much as I have, simply because of the wording. Children like fast-paced action, and I fear that you linger too long on setting the scene to really capture the attention span of children. However, this is a really beautiful, artistic piece, and I look forward to reading more. :)
~PaperHearts

[Fairy L]

Ok, the major change I did so far is the opening sentence ( got rid of once upon a time sentence ): It was that time of year when the wind blew, the flames danced across the horizon and fell like shooting stars to the ground. Hues of red, yellow, and orange ignited the entire village like a wild fire. Autumn was indeed a magnificent spectacle to see, but its beauty was transient. Like the leaves that fell from the tree, everything faded with time...

What do you all think? I know this makes the mood a more bit darker and a few of you have previously said that this might be too much for a child either in content or vocabulary, but I personally don't think so. Young kids have handled Harry Potter so I think they can handle this. I know the rest of the chapters are a bit lacking in quality but I intend to gradually change that. And I am changing them to pages for now, I just think its easier to give feedback by separating them to chapter format.

I have messaged most of you back, but maybe I aiming for a bit older, like 10 or 11 as maybe a short story...but that depends on how I can change the rest of the chapters

[The Old Ashes]

Fairy,
It is 10 PM right now and I am trying to fix my sleeping schedules! I started this and definitely want to read more.
I will read it and your other chapters,
give what tips, critique, advice, and revision I can
tomorrow!

[DeathbyGarlic]

It's a bit wordy for a children's story. I mean that in two ways:
Some of the parts (such as the hours of painful labor) will mean little to nothing in a child's mind. They don't know or care about labor.
Other parts contain words on the advanced side of children's books.

While the story seems interesting so far, I'm doubtful of the quality this would have for a child. It seems to be lingering between too much for a child and not enough for an adult.

I'll read on over the next few days, though I can't say my hopes of improvement are high.

[Charles]

OK, new friend (I'll OK your friend request when I finish this). I don't review stories, chapters, books - ordinarily. This is an exception. As a children's story it works quite well - another story on a common theme. Another reviewer was right, some editing would be in order (not so much, but some). In no special order, here are some more specific comments. The sketches of the characters (mostly the healer) don't balance well with the theme, which seems more medieval that the characters' clothing (the medieval theme is accentuated by the notion of a mermaid and calling the doctor healer (though in one place you slip and say doctor) and referring to villagers throughout). If wimps are something less than desirable, I can't imagine the boys' verse admitting that they're wimps - maybe they should be something eles and leave the wimps to their crying. There's a bit of a dichotomy wherein the villagers in one chapter think the boy is lazy and in the next they think he's so helpful. In the chapter wherein the healer is desribed as full of rage and fury, there's no lead into the idea (the chapter closes by stating why, but by then the reader (me) is wondering - hey, what gives?). Only once in a while does the choice of words seem a bit too sophistcated for the theme or audience. Having said all this, I congratulate you on a fine effort. The length of the story/book seems appropriate for its intended purpose, the writing is generally articulate and age-appropriate, and the theme flows well and is quite cohesive. Good work.

[The Perfectionist]

I'll be honest (as if I'm ever anything else), I'm kind of bored. It's difficult to tell with a chapter this short exactly what's going on or why I should give a damn. In addition, when you only have three paragraphs, the fact that the way you've written the last one is kind of bad stands out. The sentences are choppy, the grammar falters, and the language is...childish for lack of a better word.

The opening two paragraphs are beautiful and descriptive, but you falter as soon as you actually start telling your story. I'm going to read on in hopes that you improve in that area.

[Sheila Kline]

I love the idea of the story....of tears of pearls....but it needs some work with sentence structure. I would try to get away from the ...."Once upon a time" opening line, as it is so often used. Try to do a more attention getting opening line grasped from somewhere in your story. Oh my, I wish I had time to do a complete look at it, but I will try and see what else I note.
As I read through it...the lines of the balls falling referring to the pearls seemed a bit "edgy" so I would suggest something other than hard smooth "balls"...perhaps "orbs" since the basis of the story is about the pearls, I would make this line SHINE!! It should be one of the most attention getting in the opening page.
The opening line should also be really attention getting!
See what you can come up with! Again, I just love the concept of the story and there are reviewers here that can really help you more.
Best of luck!!!
Sheila

[Theresa]

I think this is great as an opening page. I'm already curious as to what is going to happen. You can definitely write there is no question about that. My only concern is if its a childrens book some words you use are a little advanced. What age level is your target market? Other then that I enjoyed it and look forward to reading more.