urg cant come up with a title for this one its not even done so thats ok i guess

I was trying to capture the feeling I got when I was in the Italian Alps

Everything was normal if I only looked straight down,

But when I raised my head I saw the Mountains all around.

They just stood there, they never moved,

But everything around them did, 

like rapids crashing through the grooves

of Rough, Grey Mountains, silent, dead.

'Cept when the wind danced through the trees

A soft, small, cool, and calming breeze

a remnant of the white, deep freeze

That swelled atop the mountains' heads.

No, those things were never dead. 

Author's Note

There was more, but it kind of sucked. I feel like it ends abruptly, but that might just be because I'm used to reading something after that last line. What do you think?

**OK, just changed line 5. It used to be 'like water flowing, not so smooth'. Is this revision any better?

Reviews

[Joshua Thomas]

Didn't end abruptly, it was a nice read in fact- you just need to work on flow, you can do this by adhering to strict meter. I find a lot on here that people disregard syllables per line but it is crucial to a well-flowing poem. Read a couple of mine if you'd like?

Josh

[laRagazza]

I agree that meter is important. I'll try to work on that, especially with this poem. What kind of meter would you say this most closely resembles? I don't really know the names of any.

[Joshua Thomas]

To be honest it is whatever fits- any is better than none. Take for example my poem Waterway, which has quatrains that have a simple 6,6,8,6 syllable structure. Rather than trying to apply to this I think it would be easier just to keep syllabic structure in mind for the future :)

Josh

[laRagazza]

Yeah that's true, it's hard to rewrite a poem when it's already almost at a finished stage. I'll probably just write another one about the same topic.

[Melaniespace]

It not bad at all, just needs to be revamped, it doesnt flow like you want it too. I have that problem as well when i write.
Try this:
"They just stood there, they never moved,
everything around like water flowing, not so smooth,"

With this piece try getting rid of extra words and or fill them with words that have similar sounds or being with the same letter. its a trick i use in getting things to flow nicely. I dont know if what i did helped or even makes sense but I just wanted to give you an idea. Feel free to ask me more questions if you'd like.

[laRagazza]

What was awkward about the original wording? I actually sincerely want to know because a lot of times the lines flow nicely to me, but other people read them differently.

[Melaniespace]

It doesn't need to change. The first few lines are longer and by line 4-6 I feel like I hit a brick wall reading it and have to read and reread it to have it flow the way you intended. It could just be my perception and I also didn't read it out loud at first which makes all the difference in poetry. Now that I am reading this again. Out loud the poem sounds much more fluid then in loud. This could be why people perceive it differently. By your comments I figured you wanted some criticism. Also, the last line is solid. I like it. I tend to do that with my poems as well. Ending them abruptly can be all inclusive or leave the poem open for the readers imagination. I like this piece, but I am of Italian decent and have been to the mountains my self so I can put myself in your shoes. I think that Josh is onto sometime when he talks about syllables per line. I write music and lyrics; So when the timing is off its noticeable because you have to adjust your reading speed to get things in the proper timing.

[laRagazza]

Thanks:) I'll see if I can come up with a new way to word those lines. I do want to make this poem better!

[Melaniespace]

I'm glad i can help! I like the revision. I feel like you used more descriptive words which made the imaging bolder.