untroubled at last

a story about a man, a car accident, and his daughter

I emerged from a white light and found myself in the middle of a crowded intersection, overlooking the bodies who seem to be so intrigued by me.

Considering my situation, I should’ve felt disoriented... But everything felt right. As I tilted my head downwards, it was as if I was looking into a mirror; however, this mirror ultimately sucked the life out of me. As I grew bored of my current surroundings, I found it in myself to escape the premises (although technically I already have) and maybe go check on the girls, grab a bite to eat, something. I walked to my favorite pizza place " under my circumstances I should be able to at least teleport somewhere but there aren’t as many advantages of my situation as I’d thought. Well, I take that back. I did get a whole pizza for free now that I think about it.

You’d think that eating a whole pizza would at least make you somewhat full, but not me. It’s like I couldn’t feel the food filling my stomach up. Weird. After eating at Blondie’s, I found myself at the house. Everything was still the same, but then again, it’s not like the house would be transformed in a matter of minutes. Before walking into my incredibly familiar home, I wiped the bottoms of my black and white Nike Free Runs on the welcoming mat " as I have done millions of times before this. As I looked down at my dirty shoes, I noticed a few fresh wounds not only on my legs but on the rest of my body as well. Odd, I didn’t even feel them. Paying mind to my injuries, I frantically began wiping the blood from my body with the sleeve of my shirt. I suppose it made sense that I didn’t quite feel them. The gash on my head finally stopped bleeding along with the rest of the cuts after a few minutes of dabbing them. How am I going to explain this to the girls?

I opened the door, which to my surprise, was unlocked. I really have to get on them about locking the door when I’m not home. I wasn’t quite sure if this would work, but it was worth a try. I’m kind of new to this whole thing. I could hear incredibly loud music trying to escape the walls of Mara’s bedroom. Talia was probably off with her friends somewhere. I reached the top of the staircase and approached my daughter’s bedroom with intentions of knocking on her door and telling her to turn that repetitive music down; however, considering this may be my last time doing this, maybe I’ll try to appreciate it.

“Mara, whatcha doin’?”

She opened the door then sat back down on her bed, writing something down on a piece of paper. “Just homework. What happened?” she asked nonchalantly, genuinely uninterested about the gashes covering her father’s body up and down.

“Don’t worry about it, what kind of homework are you doing?”

“Just physics homework. Why?”

“No reason. I just wanted to check up on you.”

“You know you don’t have to check up on me.”

“I know, but it couldn’t hurt to.”

“Yeah, sure, I guess,” she mumbled while ignoring eye contact and continuing to scribble along the notebook in her lap.

The small talk with my daughter was nothing new " it was quite common actually, but hey, at least it was something. Before I continued the usual conversation with Mara, our dog, Bear, ran into the room and jumped onto her bed. Usually he’d jump on my leg a few times, lick my hand, but I guess those were one of the things lost at the intersection, too.

“That’s weird, he usually, like, attacks you whenever he sees you,” Mara wondered.

I didn’t have the heart in me to tell her. And even then, how was I supposed to explain this? I couldn’t even explain it to myself, let alone my daughter. This was simply unearthly. Not only was I completely dumbfounded as to how I was here, but I was completely dumbfounded as to how at peace I was with it. I didn’t feel the need to question it. Everything happens for a reason.

I suppose I should be a little more concerned about how this may affect Mara, but it was as if I was unable to feel so deeply. I was unable to be concerned, yet even if I was concerned, the feeling would not be reciprocated.

“Yeah, weird… I’m not sure, maybe he just wants to see you.”

“I guess, but he never comes into my room. Something’s gotta be wrong.”

I laughed. I pushed myself off the frame of the door and hovered over Mara’s shoulder.

“Do you need any help with your homework?” I tried asking.

“Nope.”

“Alright. Well, what are you learning?”

“Newton’s First Law.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s when an object at rest stays at rest or an object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”

“Sounds… Complicated.” I answered, completely unsure of what to say. Physics was never my strong point.

“I guess.”

I didn’t even remember what it was like to have an entire conversation with my daughter. Hell, I couldn’t even remember the last time I actually came into her room to ask her if she needed help with her homework. As that topic of conversation died down, my eyes wandered around her room. To my left was a bookshelf with a row of books and journals, a row of pictures frames, and a row of knick knacks. A few of the frames caught my attention because of how old they were. In a golden frame was a picture of the “family” " Mara, her sister, me, and their mom. I say, “family” simply because it no longer exists. It was obviously from years ago, as I’d never have a recent picture with their mother, but I couldn’t quite figure out when it was from. Eager to figure it out, I reached my hand out to grab the frame; however, I did not pick it up.

I could not pick it up. My hand simply passed through the object.

Ah, so this is where all things that happen in movies happen to me. I found this incredibly bizarre, as I had just eaten an entire pizza with my hands. I began searching the shelves for other things to hold. There was a pencil on the shelf below and I grabbed it. I picked it up easily. A pair of sunglasses. No problem. I scanned the mess for another frame.

Right here, a picture of Mara and her older sister. With my fingers spread apart, I tried grasping onto the frame but, again, I couldn’t pick it up.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, just looking at these pictures.”

“Why?”

“I just wanted to see what you had up here. Is that okay?”

“I guess.”

Then back to her homework.

I continued to mess around with what I could and could not pick up when I found a frame pushed to the back. It was a photo of Mara and me at a family wedding when she was little. Who’s wedding? Beats me. Mara and I both had the biggest smiles on our faces. I was wearing a blue, button-up shirt while she wore a tiny, white cardigan over a fluffy dress. That must’ve been at least thirteen years ago. I’d die to take a genuine picture like that with her again.

“Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?”

Before answering, my mind raced to last weekend, or rather the last weekends, where she asked the exact same thing. I couldn’t even remember the last time she stayed home so we could have one of our movie nights. We’d both choose one movie " either rent it or find it on demand " and just lounge. Sometimes the movies would be absolutely terrible, while others were actually very impressive. Regardless of how good the movie production was, it was always a time I enjoyed simply because it was just Mara and me. Considering the fact that I didn’t technically “have” her each weekend, I tried making the most out of the weekends that I did, especially since she used to always complain to me about how much she hated being at her mother and stepfather's house. I tried making this home an escape for her but it seemed like she’d rather escape from it.

But, of course, there’s a football game. A new movie just came out. She was invited to a dinner. She had to finish a project at a friend’s house. You name it, I’ve heard it.

“Which friend?”

“Dad, the same friend whose house I’ve been going to for the past how many years.”

“I mean, if that’s what you’d like to do,” I sighed. Now that I think about it, my permission really would not have made a difference. I no longer had a say in what she did. She wouldn’t be going to her friend’s house this weekend. She’d be mourning. Oh well.

“Cool, thanks.”

“Don’t you ever just want to stay home though?” I asked. Big mistake.

“I mean, I could. But it’s not like we were going to do anything anyways.”

“What if I had something planned for us?”

“Well, do you?”

“I suppose not.”

“Okay then. Then there should be no problem with me going out,” she breathed out with a hint of attitude.

“Excuse me. It’s not up to you to decide whether or not you’re allowed to go out. You still live under this roof,” I began to lecture, triggered by the attitude. The dad instinct kicked in although it was one more thing lost at the intersection today.

“What do you mean? You always let me go out. So does mom.”

“What if this weekend I wanted to spend time with you?”

Silence.

I’m not quite sure why I suggested that… It wasn’t like I could anyways. She’d be mourning, remember?

“But, dad, I already made plans.”

“Okay, go ahead. Sure, have fun,” I said, incredibly fed up and disheartened to see her choice. Maybe this is why I had not questioned it. It feels somewhat right. After all, what else did I have besides Mara? And even then, did I even have my daughter?

A few seconds passed. The conversation was over. And I had found no more use in the bedroom. Just as I was about to leave, the white light I had emerged from found me once more; however, I was walking into it unlike last time. It was outside of Mara’s bedroom, down the hall, and a little bit to the left. I guess this was a better way for it to end rather than underneath a red traffic light " being with my daughter, regardless of how I was with my daughter, beat a bunch of distracted drivers.

I shut my daughter’s door gently as she returned to whatever she was doing and began walking back towards it. Reaching the halfway point to the light, the house phone rang. Of course, I couldn’t answer it " so I left it for Mara to answer. Probably another solicitor or one of our aunts from out of the country. Mara answered the telephone and ringing instantly stopped. As my daughter began speaking to the other side of the line, I began walking towards the bright tunnel of light again.

I could hear everything happening in Mara’s room. How? Don’t ask me. I’m new to this whole thing.

“Hello, is this Mara Sanders?”

“Yes.”

“I’m incredibly sorry to inform you of this news over the phone but... “

All I heard as I stepped back into the light was crying, screaming, and the word, “Dad.” I could’ve sworn that as I was stepping in, she’d even came out of her bedroom to find me " unfortunately, I had already taken my last step.