death

Death

why is it so common

why do i talk about it so much

why is such an imminent part of our, my life

i’ve experienced death three times in the past year

one of a guy in my school. suicide.

and two. of my dog, a heart attack and both of them was, is too much to handle

but the third 

i didn’t really feel

it just came, and it passed

it was the type of death, you can’t explain, because every symptom differs from everybody

it’s this type of death that’s called depression, 

but i’m not sure that’s my death, i’m not sure if i’m dead, alive, or barely breathing. 

i can’t handle death, i’m to afraid to die

but sometimes i pray for it, to come, that darkness

that solitude. that complete silence where nobody can interrupt your thoughts

but what i imagine, is that truly death or just how suicidal people glorified it to be

because they wanted silence 

they wanted the churning of the creaks and cranks to go away

the humming of voices to disappear

is that called schizophrenia?

when your brain just suddenly combusts of noises, people talking and talking 

shouting and singing, will it please just shut up? shut up! shut up! 

each voice has a face and each face has a personality 

sometimes i don’t know they’re there, i just lose all concentration and talk to them 

myself about the subject i’m trying to concentrate on.

my life is weird

and awful

and it has to much death

twenty seventeen can go f**k itself 

i just talked to myself or did i talk to them the fictional people listening to my problems and not doing anything to help, not seeing behind the facade of the smile and the happy voice, and the bubbly mannerisms.

oh boy oh boy do even phycologists know the true meaning of sickness and health?

do doctors? does anybody? or is just the conscience telling you what they see before them

i’m going to say goodbye now

not the world

but to myself

and bye as more than one meaning.