Eric

Eric

Yesterday I was looking through my contacts
And I saw your name.
I immediately close it.
I didnt want to be reminded of the pain.
Yesterday I was looking through my photos
And there you were.
I immediately closed it.
I didn't want to cry again.
Today I was looking through my contacts
And seen your name and Goggles and Reggie's.
I was reminded of the pain.
Today I went through my photos
Only to see pictures of all 3 of you.
And I cried again.

I miss you my friend...

L. Mack
4-22-22

Reviews

[Cherrie]

It is hard losing someone we love. The best advice I can give you is don't hide from the pain. Because on the flip side of it is all the memories you love ❤️

[Lori Mack]

Thank you. Your right about that.

[JayG]

• Yesterday I was looking through my contacts And I saw your name.

Yeah, it's been a while, but I... Wait, who are you, and why do you have my name in your address book?

• I immediately close it.

My name? You closed my name? Not what you intended, but it is what you told the reader. Will the reader understand? Sure, but they will stop and wonder when they should keep reading. Edit, edit, edit.

• I didnt want to be reminded of the pain.

Pain? What pain? What in the pluperfect hells are you talking about? How did I hurt you...and when?

My point? Poetry isn't the author talking to the reader about things meaningful only to the author and someone not introduced. Your reader wants the words to be meaningful to them as-they-read. They don't care that you're upset about someone. And there is no second, first impression. Readers want you to make them care and feel. So we don't say, "I cried at my son's funeral, we work to make the reader have reason to weep. Unless there's emotional content for-the-reader, from start to finish, they will turn away.

Nonfiction, the kind of writing we learned in school as they trained us in the skills employers need, works great for essay and reports, but not at all for fiction or poetry, because it's dispassionate and told from the outside in. Someone we can't hear is talking to us in a voice that contains only the emotion that punctuation suggests (and that's seen AFTER the line is read). And, the words mean what they suggest to each reader, based on their life-experience, because the reader has no access to your intent.

So while you write from your chair, you need to edit from that of the reader, who lacks any context you supply.

Poetry is a field that has been under development for centuries. And we learn none of it in our school-days. So do do a bit of digging into the techniques and tricks. It can make a huge difference.

The Shmoop site is a great resource, When you get there, select student, and then use the button to the left of the midpage search window to select Poetry. They have lots of successful and noteworthy poems there, analyzed in great detail, to show why and how they worked so well.

Remember, as Wilson Mizner observed, “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” So do a bit of research.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Lori Mack]

Ok it's a letter to my friend that died. That's why it's starts out with
Eric,

[Lori Mack]

And by the way I'm published on six site and have had magazines reach out to me asking if they could publish my writings. I've been writing since I was 10 and I'm almost 50. I didn't take the time to read everything you wrote cause I choose not to be insulted any more by your negativity. This was a letter to my friend who died from fentanyl. I'm hurting. I miss him. I don't need you being a jerk to me. Thank you

[keith]

there is much here to be proud of in this tribute to your friend and the emotional ties that bound you
i applaud your courage to write such open honest measure
do not pay attention to the bloated egos of the 'i know better than you' critics that feast upon the works of others thru harsh unfounded words

bravo for the strength you exhibit ...
in your content and open honesty

[Lori Mack]

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

[JayG]

•Ok it's a letter to my friend that died. That's why it's starts out with
Eric,

read more•Ok it's a letter to my friend that died. That's why it's starts out with
Eric,

Naa. If it was a letter to him, it would say, “Dear Eric.” The word Eric had lots of emotional connections for you. But to the reader? It has zero context. And the first section could apply to the pain of being jilted or fro him treating you wrong. In fact, that's the message that most people will take, because there are a lot more, Dismal Damsel poems about poor treatment by an ex lover, here, than, "I feel pain because you're dead," poems.

• And by the way I'm published on six site

No. Your work appears on 6 sites because YOU put them there. Anyone can do that. Self-publishing doesn’t count, either because anyone can do it. You can call yourself published only when your work appears in a publication that people pay to read.

So, if you're published, where can I buy them?

• I've been writing since I was 10 and I'm almost 50.

And I’m 84. So what? The comments were on THIS poem, as it appears today. And this poem is meaningful only to the author, for the reasons given.

• I didn't take the time to read everything you wrote cause I choose not to be insulted any more by your negativity.

Did I ask you to? Does the quality of my work have the smallest thing to do with the problems with this one? You’re just lashing out because I didn’t praise the work. But…

Had I praised it, you would have accepted that as your due, without question. How, then, can you not accept what’s not praise in exactly the same spirit? How can you not work to see why a reader didn’t get the message as you intended, and fix it so as to have greater audience appeal?

The alternative is to post, “Praise only,” along with your work.


I notice that you didn’t dispute any of the points I mentioned, only complained that it’s my fault that I didn’t see your brilliance. But you forget two critical points:

1. We learn nothing from those who agree with us.
2. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And in this, you give the weather report.

And as for my work here. It's certainly not negative, and there the number of positive responses often is measured in pages of comments, though I'm certain you'd hate it. Still, compare that to the number of responses you have on a site like All Poetry, and just maybe, what I say about this poem might help you improve on that.

But obviously, you’re here seeking validation, not feedback, so I’ll bow out, and you can delete my comments, then go back to honoring the site with your presence.

[Lori Mack]

JayG if you do not care for my work you do not have to read it.