Sometimes you think you know

Sometimes you think you know

I have lived my whole life thinking I know, that I've got it all figured out and that everything is all up to me and in my hands. I used to think that life is simple, an idealistic point of view. A bit too far though, don't you think? The more I grow up the more I realise how the unknown will forever be the unknown and how legitimately everything is indeed, scarily enough, out of my hands.

Things were always planned out for me in my head, always focused too much on the positive declaring that undoubtedly this thing has happened to me for a valid reason. It kept me stable for long enough as I gripped onto this false reality I painted in my head just for the sake to stay sane. I'm still a firm believer of "everything happens for a reason" but sometimes things just happen for no reason and I have to let what it is be. Many things have happened to me that I've never found out precisely why. I think I think too much, I never let things be and move on with my life. It's an everyday struggle that I've learnt I have to deal with. My whole life I've been trying to find some kind of clarity, some kind of escape where I can just be myself and let it all go and forget about everything that makes me feel small. It's hard for me to find someone I really connect with or if I do, keep them in my life.

Feeling like an outcast all my life and having to fake so much of myself has been utterly mentally exhausting. I'm not fond of the society we live in nowadays and I have never once felt connected to it. I wonder sometimes if the afterlife holds so much more, if beings are much more intelligent and interesting. It gets lonely sometimes, being stuck with and having to deal with your own thoughts is something I have rarely ever done in my life until this quarantine came to welcomingly envelop us all (not). I miss being thrilled by the miniminal. I long to find something that keeps me going, that makes me want to pursue something unimaginable in my life and make it worthwhile. But my life is a bore and sadly, I feel like I can't do much about it right now. I know that I'm not alone and others feel the same as I do but that doesn't make me feel like this any less. I long for the day where I come back to this and laugh and cry while my cheeks hurt from smiling. I hope one day I find out what happiness truly is as sometimes I go through a stage where I think I've grasped the concept of it and made up my own but I always end up losing every bit of it.

Sometimes I think I know where I'm at, what I'm doing and what I want but I never actually do. Is it time to embrace the fact that I don't and will never know, or do I just try to make some sense of it all? Maybe one day I'll know, or maybe not. And I'll be okay with that.

Reviews

[Akshay Rawal]

Hi, Thanks for sharing your feelings. I hope it helped you find some amount of much needed peace.

I know for sure, you are not alone. Going through moments of self-doubt, boredom, cluelessness is not easy. We all prefer to think and conceptualize about how our entire life would be and we work to make our expectations come to reality but it seems some things are just not in our control, like the direction of the wind is not in the kite flyer's control, yet we just have to adapt and stay flying. It is true some things will remain a mystery and unknown, but if you see all of history and religion, people have dedicated their lives to mysteries and stories.

I guess sometimes. it is interesting enough to see how our life unfolds itself before us while we just keep in control what we can control. We are definitely headed towards a new kind of lifestyle, a new world, and it requires change from all of us.

I enjoyed reading this, Thanks

[Kylie]

Hi, yes it did thankfully. Sometimes I forget how I can vent out my feelings in a way I feel rested but then I remember there is the convenience of writing.

Thank you for opening my eyes up a bit, I genuinely appreciate it a lot. You pinpointed my feelings exactly. Never thought about the comparison to a kite flyer, that’s the perfect comparison hahah. We do have to adapt and stay flying and you make a big point about historians and theologians. I always admired how it all came about and how everyone discovered these mysteries and kind of made it into their own concept. It’s cool to think about.

Yes, sometimes the thought of not being in control scares me when I know it shouldn’t. I just hope the new world we’re going into will be an improvement. But nonetheless I’m excited to see where it might take us.

I’m really glad you enjoyed it, thank you for reading

[Akshay Rawal]

My pleasure. Keep up the good work. :)

[Mr. D]

When you think you know, you soon find you know absolutely nothing.

[Kylie]

Had to learn that the hard way unfortunately

[Mr. D]

Most of us do. It is not fun.