The Spark

Sometimes lovers take each other for granted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Charlie was driving in his classic model pickup down route 81 trying to decide what he wants to do next with his life.

But tonight, he can’t even decide where to drive next.

Rhiannon, his live in girlfriend of four years, has not been happy lately no matter what Charlie has tried to do for her. Money has been tight and Charlie has only recently been going back to work again after being laid off for over two months.

 

Rhiannon hated the country music that Charlie insisted he had to blast whenever they were in the truck. Lately, he just seemed so needy and never left her alone for a second. They had been together for so long now that everyone was starting to see them as an old married couple.

 

Rhiannon resented the implication that she was his only. For God's sake!  She had just turned 22 and she wanted to go out and party and enjoy life a little more. Charlie, on the other hand, wanted to stay in and be a couch potato. Tonight was actually one night when he had actually asked her out for a drive. Of course, she readily agreed hoping that this night would bring a spark to their flat lining relationship.

 

Charlie decides to take Rhiannon to Jakes Bar and Grill.  This had been the place where the two had met many moons ago and it did bring back good memories.  It was at Jakes where Charlie had first seen and had been instantly attracted to Rhiannon. 

 

Charlie had been playing darts with two buddies after work over two years ago when Rhiannon walked in with her best friend Julia.  Most of the evening was spent dancing to the live band “Immediate Force”.   Charlie and Rhiannon hit it off immediately and were very comfortable with each other.

Author's Note

I was thinking of making this into a chapter book.

Reviews

[Blue Moon Ice Cream]

I like the plot, and the grammar is excellent! I think it would be more captivating for the reader if you would tell the story through either Rhiannon's or Chris's eyes (or both). It could still be third-person, but make the narrator less obvious. Especially at the end--it seemed really rushed just to say "they hit it off immediately and were very comfortable with each other."

[Sweets]

Loved the plot, very interesting and wonderful !

[~ Stefanie ~]

I really liked this story a lot! One question though... you mention that they had been together for 4 years, but in the very last paragraph you said that just over two years ago Charley had seen her for the first time and they hit it off just great. I'd recommend changing one of those years so it makes a little more sense. Anyway, other than that minor thing I really enjoyed reading this story :) Well done!

[Call_Me_Miss_Imperfect]

I love it:)

[Arachne.]

DO IT! Do me a favor though, and talk about the truck more. I like trucks

Excellent!!!! I like this one of you :D perfectly penned!

[jkhatz]

Keep it going. Charlie and Rhiannon sound compelling. I told someone else a bit ago that he should flesh out his ideas for a series. Here, you should flesh out your characters, giving them complexity and understanding from your reader. Keep in mind that it's present tense so any backstory could be written in reverie - a very powerful tool.

[Alskar]

I love the direct and modern third person perspective here. For some reason, although nothing in the story indicates this, I feel this chapter may quite easily lend itself to a clever horror.

[.n.]

I agree with Green Regol's review here. I see that you have a basic idea of who you want your characters to be and you have stated the conflict, now you could strengthen the story by adding specific detail about both setting and character. What kind of pick-up (other than classic model) is it in mint condition or a beat up clunker (this will give some insight into your characters). Why did Charlie lose his job was he chronically late or skipping when he didn't want to go or was he laid off through no fault of his own? Asking yourself questions like these will help you to better understand your characters and help the reader to become more connected and involved with the story. You've got the bones for a potentially great story here. If you plan to make it into a chapter book you've got plenty of room for delevopment. Keep it up! I look forward to reading more.

[A Risen Heroine.]

I like it a lot :)
Thanks for sharing :D

~A Fallen Heroine~

[Green Regol]

--Charlie was driving in his classic model pickup down route 81 trying to decide what he wants to do next with his life.-- watch your tenses. You start in the past tense (was driving) and then change to the present (he wants).
Also, this may just be a nit-picky voice thing, but I don't like predicates that sound like "was (verb)ing" when it can be "(verb)ed." ...That probably didn't make sense. I'm gonna give an example.
"Carlie was driving." Instead I would say, "Charlie drove."
In this case I'd say "and tried" as opposed to "trying."
Or you can keep it exactly as is (after fixing the tense). Again, it's a voice-thing that's based on your opinion and what you think sounds best.

--But tonight, he can’t even decide where to drive next.-- you don't need the comma.

This does sound more like an idea for a book than like a short story. I skimmed through your other writings, so I know you know how to do dialogue. If this stays a short story, it needs dialogue.
As a book idea you have a good start, but it still needs more to it. Consider the arguments they could have and what can come out of that. Think of something very dramatic. Does Rhiannon ever cheat on Charlie?