Dear Clara

Steve says goodbye

Dear Clara,
     You know I am no stranger to rejection. Do you wonder why I take your rejection so much to heart? Or do you not care and just wish I would leave you alone? I suspect the latter. Well, I’ll be leaving you alone now, for good. I just want to take this last opportunity to explain why I’ll be doing what I’m going to do. Or did what I did, as the case may be. I’m writing this for you, to help you understand. And for me too, I guess.
     Most people, through my entire life, have either avoided me or ridiculed me. I never let it bother me though. I thought it had made me strong. Because they didn’t know the real me. They only knew the Tourette’s. I was certain the rejection I received was due to the Tourette’s, not my true self. So I said, "F**k them. They don’t know me. Judgmental a******s, all of them. I’m cooler than any of them." I did and I developed an arrogance. I thought I was better than most people and my Tourette’s was my shield. It was my wall that kept out the shallow, the dumb, the judgmental, the sheep. The rejection I received served to feed my self esteem, not the opposite as you might expect. I was safe inside my castle while my Tourette’s wall was battered by ridicule and rejection.
      Then along came you. The wall didn’t stop you. I remember wondering if you even noticed my Tourette’s when we first met. You walked right through the wall and met the real me. And I loved you for that. And I love you for so many reasons. I love every fiber of your being with every fiber of my being. And I thought you loved me too. That’s what you told me. I was foolish enough to believe you.
     When you rejected me I realized I couldn’t assign this one to the Tourette’s. It was me you were rejecting. Me - the coolest, smartest, greatest guy on the planet. Had I been wrong this whole time? Was I, in actuality, a piece of s**t? Was it me that everyone had been rejecting all along? If the one person I am closest to in the whole world turns her back on me, what does that say about the real me? I even see now that had it not been for the Tourette’s, you probably would have never gone out with me. You thought it was cool to have a boyfriend with Tourette’s. You’re that kind of girl. Kooky. Then when you realized you had to put up with me, the real me, to be with Tourette’s guy, you split.
     I do not want you to blame yourself for what is about to happen. Or has already happened, as the case may be. Although you did serve as the catalyst for my current state of mind, it is not your fault. It is my fault. I created this false sense of identity. It was a defense mechanism, I guess. I should have seen it before now. The way I’ve always been treated by others should have clued me in. You have shone a light on my ego. I have been living in a castle made of straw and my world has blown apart.
      I am glad that you will be able to lead a "Steve-free" life. You can rest easy knowing I’m not lurking around every corner. You deserve to be free of a piece of s**t like me. You deserve happiness. You are the most wonderful person I’ve ever met and I know now that you are too good for me.

I love you with every piece of my soon-to-be-dead heart, Steve

This note was found on the desk of Stephen Johnston, a college sophomore, in his dormitory, along with his hanged corpse.

 

Author's Note

A work of fiction

Reviews

[Rain]

This was a great piece, very difficult to distinquish reality from fiction, which is a sign of a good writer. Good work. Rain..