Part 1~Friends: Miriam and Cecil

Miriam and Cecil

Life throws at us what we least expect. But those who know, who think, who experience can predict. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted them. I knew. But I couldn’t resist. And now I pay the price.

* * *

After my experience with Melinda, I became more wary about the people I talked to. But Miriam and Cecil they touched my wounds and laid my heart bare. They held my heart in their hands. I was so tempted. So I didn’t resist. We became friends and the craziest people in the grade.

We didn’t care. We were friends and that was all that mattered after all. I was happy. We spent a lot of time together, during class, recess, lunch, etc. We lived for each other. Even at our different houses, we stayed in contact. We called ourselves the Trio.

I entered their dark world for a while and I walked alongside them. Even in the dark, our radiant smiles and laughter lit up the world. These two were my sparks of hope. But if a spark isn’t contained, it can leave behind devastating consequences.

For a while, I thought that it was all under control. We laughed, we joked, we talked, we teased, we played. They were my everything. We formed a cage around us. We didn’t care what people thought of us. As long as we had fun together. And it was fun.

The fire was contained well enough. Or so I had thought.

. . .

Around the end of the first semester, we were assigned to do a group project. We were allowed to choose our group but we could only work in pairs. As our teacher finished announcing the guidelines, I could hear the whispers and murmurs in the air as people began to choose who they wanted to be paired with. And two words struck my heart:

“Cecil!”

“Okay!”

My mouth was clamped shut and only two people could have and would have uttered those words, Miriam and Cecil. I guess I was okay with it at first. Until time after time in which we had to work in pairs, I was excluded. Miriam and Cecil had known each other much longer than I have known either of them. But after countless projects, I still hadn’t worked with either Miriam or Cecil on any of them.

And right about then, I couldn’t help but remember the past. Everybody would always choose someone else over me. Every single time. I tried to deal with it. Keep it under control. I managed pretty well. Until the school year ended.

The well contained camp fire burst into a roaring bonfire, consuming the luscious forest of my latest friendship. It was over. After 5^th grade, we went on to middle school. We saw each other less and less.

Miriam left and went to a private school. I hardly ever saw her. Our only connection was the internet. But it was obviously not enough. Cecil and I only shared one class together.

I could tell that Miriam was bored. However she lived much closer to Cecil and had a stronger bond with her. I was once talking to her through email:

“Hey!”

“Yo, Miriam, long time no see!”

“Yeah.”

“So whatcha doin?”

“Cecil’s over.”

“Really?”

“Yup! We’re having so much fun!”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“Well you lived so far away and…”

“I have to go, bye.”

Miriam and Cecil did so much together without ever telling me. I was left out. At school, Cecil shared classes with lots of other people. She smiled around them. She was happy with them.

And with me… with me she was normal. We were still friends. But then it all ended. Just like that.

Our school was split into two. Since we lived far away, I rarely every say Cecil and Miriam. Our friendship became something of the past. I lost all connection with Cecil and Miriam. I was plunged into a world of darkness where Miriam and Cecil had once walked beside me. But now they were gone.

So I returned to the world of light. I returned and locked the door to the world of darkness forever. I locked myself somewhere where no one could burden me, or love me. I locked myself where no one could reach me. I locked myself into eternal isolation.

Alone forever. Living without a heart. I ask of all of you, try it. Try not interacting with anybody. Try only being polite, even to the friends you have shown all to. Try isolating yourself, keeping every single feeling to yourself, every single thought. Become a machine! Try it! Because only then do you have a chance to truly understand the pain I felt. And even then, you might not understand the despair when you realize that life has no meaning because what you are doing is an act. My life is reality, and it doesn’t have any meaning! When there are no friends for you, you have to value in your life. Your life becomes meaningless.

So ask yourself, what is the purpose of my survival and those who are similar to me? Do we exist purely for the purpose for others to use as backups? Or do we live to educate the rest about pain and despair and hope they understand? Do we live to feel the pain of others and keep them from feeling it? So why should I be unhappy for the sake of other people’s happiness? What is the purpose of someone who has no value in their life? And when they try to find value, they reach only the deepest layers of pain? Why do we exist?

I’m not asking to try and be philosophical, I really want to know. If my life has no meaning, no value, I truly wish to die. I wish to throw away this pain of living and find death. Death is more appealing then living at the moment.

In my life, I have only found pain and despair. I have only had fleeting moments of happiness. And yet, people say I should be grateful for those moments of happiness. But the pain outweighs the happiness by far.

In the depths of despair, I have returned to the list of friendship quotes. I found a quote about friendship that has amused me. For this is what my life has become:

 

 “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

 

Part 1 End