Scars

A Story by kurohana

Loving a person too much can easily destroy us in the end.

SCARS

Is there something wrong with me?

Why does every person I love and cherish leave me broken?

Don’t I deserve to be love?

Maybe I should just disappear rather than feeling s**t and unloved all the time.

These were my feelings and thoughts every single day and it’s consuming me from the inside. Ever since Alice, my ex girlfriend toyed with my feelings I have this trauma of being rejected. I changed into a different person after my relationship with her and she sucked me dry until there’s only little left of me. It took me a long time to recover and with the help of a friend to always keep me in check and grounded and a special person that heals me. I am Rafael Garcia and this is my story of hardship, love, defeat and healing.

“As I told you before Annie, I can feel she is the one. There is a connection between the two of us that I never felt with the others.” I said talking to my close long distant friend, Annie. I met her online thru a website where anime lovers usually signed up and watch anime for free. We didn’t get close right away but since we have the same hobby we get along well.

“Fine, if that’s what you feel I can’t do anything about it but don’t you think it’s kinda fast? It’s only been a few days since you guys see each other again and reconnect.” Annie said.

“I know but this connection with her, I can’t clearly explain but I can tell almost all of her favorite songs, food and etc because we have the same choices!” I said excitedly to her not containing what I feel for Alice. It’s true I just met her again last week and I never had any contact with her since high school but this sudden connection, I can’t ignore. I think I’m falling in love with her, fast.

“Dude, you just met again after a few years and after what four days? You guys already had sex! Isn’t she a bit too accommodating and too easy?” Annie replied a bit irritated. True, we already had sex but that doesn’t mean she is an easy girl, I know she is not like that.

“I’ll be careful, don’t worry.” I said.

“its up to you already.” She replied and bid her goodbye coz she need rest.

Soon after I really did fall in love with Alice, and I fall in love hard. At first I am really happy and I really am enjoying my sex life Haha. I gave her everything she needs even though she is not asking anything I willingly gave her my time, love and attention. I always give her a walk to her office early morning and pick her up after work, getting along with her family and bringing food to them.

Everyone thought I am her boyfriend, but I am not. We talked about it but she said I can’t be her boyfriend since I am not yet stable. I still don’t have a job but I’m already looking for one. It hurts me when she said that but I can understand her, her family is not that well off and she is the bread winner and she is giving every money she gets from her salary to them so she need someone who is financially stable to support her in the future. Despite all of this I’m still staying and supporting her in every way I can but sometimes her words cut deep.

“Hi Alice. Ready to go?” I asked her smiling when she finally arrived with her officemates outside of their office.

“Is this your boyfriend Alice?” One of her officemates asked her wiggling her eyebrows and teasing her.

“No, he isn’t. We’re just friends.” Alice replied to her and it sting a bit how she casually dismissed me as her boyfriend to her officemates.

“No? Even though he is here almost every day to pick you up after work?” She asked her a bit confused but let it go.

“Alright I’ll go ahead of you guys. Bye.” After she left we started walking home.

“Can’t you reconsider your decision of me not being your boyfriend?” I suddenly asked her when we arrived outside of their house.

She turned to me with her irritated expression and answered, “Didn’t we talk about this before? I already told you my reason. You still don’t have work.”

The way she said it hurt me, I know I don’t have work yet but I’m working on it. Is all I’m doing not enough for her? All the efforts that I’m doing just to be with her, looks like it’s nothing to her.

“But working on it, eventually I’ll get one. Trust me on this Alice.” I said to her, my voice is already pleading but nothing.

“No, I can’t right now. My priority is my career and supporting my family. I don’t even know if I have time for a relationship and you know that.” Every word hurts but I stood my ground and didn’t show her how much hurt it brought to me.

“Alright, goodnight.” I kissed her on the forehead and went home. It’s really devastating so I grab my phone in my pocket and texted Annie. I always texted her and rant to her about my problem with Alice. At first, we are doing perfectly fine and now it’s like she lose her interest in me and I’m losing my mind and being paranoid, thinking the worst possible outcomes.

Text conversation:

“Maybe I don’t deserve to be love.” I texted Annie feeling depressed while walking home. My pocket vibrated after a few minutes.

Annie: Of course you do. Everyone deserves to be love. Something wrong?

Me: Alice and I talked about me not being her boyfriend, as usual me being financially unstable is the key factor.

Annie: Even though you knew about that from the start, you still pursue her. It is your decision, you chose that but I am not saying that it is okay for her to verbally abuse you and hurt you.

As I read her message, I know it is my decision to continue loving and pursuing her hoping that someday she’ll reconsider her decision. There is also one thing that is bothering me and making me think too damn much is the guy that is courting her that she likes before is now texting her again. The guy just move to a different place for his work. The f**k up thing is I am the one making so much effort for her and her family but she can’t even give me much attention just because I don’t have work and this guy who is away is receiving such warm welcome! It f*****g hurt so much!

Day after day I feel like she is slowly slipping in my grasp. Yesterday she told me she is going on a trip with her friends for a few days. For days I haven’t seen her and I miss her so much. I texted her but she replies only a few. So I let it go thinking that she is enjoying with her friends and having a good time.

Everyday Annie and I texted and talk sometimes if she has time coz I know she is also having some problems with the guy she loves. Their situation is the almost the same as Alice and I, but the difference is that her guy is the one who have a problem since he is not yet financially stable but Annie still accept him and choose stay and love him. Their relationship is a bit okay than mine but I hate it when Annie is telling me she is hurting that I want to punch the guy. Doesn’t he know that he is so lucky to have Annie that loves him unconditionally despite his situation and all of his problems.

I went out to meet Mary, Alice’s best friend. Mary is kind and beautiful but she had a hard time dealing with boys so she still does have a boyfriend. Despite that problem, I’m an exception since she is quite comfortable with me and I’m proud of that so I am encouraging her to mingle with guys a little.

“So how are you and Alice?” Mary asked when we finally ordered some food.

“Nothing change much, she still treat me the same.” I said smiling even though deep inside it hurt me to say those words.

“Hmmm… I see, why don’t you just move on and find someone else?” She asked but I think she already knows the answer, because I love her so damn much.

“Annie said that my world evolve on Alice, is that also what you see?” I asked her because recently Annie’s been insisting that Alice is my world but I don’t believe her.

She laughed and said “She is damn right! I like her.” Wow, so even Mary see the same thing as Annie.

“Do you know that Alice’s been paranoid lately coz her period is delayed. She is afraid that she might be pregnant” She said looking at me seriously.

“I’m the only one she is having sex with and I am being extra careful. If she is pregnant I won’t escape my responsibilities.” I replied to her.

“You?” She asked in a questioning look so it struck me why is she even asking me, she also knows I’m the only one having sex with her friend. I was so curious so I asked her.

“Is there someone else?” After asking my question she was taken aback a little and I can see the wheels turning in her mind. After a few minutes of not answering my question, I am right about my suspicion so I insisted for her to tell me. “Mary is there someone else beside me?”

She sighed and I can see her expression turn to pity when she looked at me. “Fine, I’ll tell you but I didn’t say anything okay? I’m telling you this because I am your friend and I also don’t like what she did even though she is my best friend.

“Remember when she said she is going out with her friends for a few days? She didn’t go with her friends instead she went to the other guy’s place. She also told me that something happened to them during her stay and also when she went to take her exam she slept with Mike.

I told her to tell you coz it was so unfair with you but she said it is none of your concern since you are not her boyfriend.” She finished her sentence and looked full of concern and worried but I didn’t care much since I was so shocked and totally hurt to her revelation. A felt cheated, not once but f*****g twice! I know we are not officially together but she could have told me. I never ever expected for her to do this, going to a guy’s place and then have sex while she knows that I am here with her.

Numb, that is what I am now. It is so painful that it leaves me numb, I want to cry, shout and curse the world for what happen. Why? Why did this happen to me? Am I only going to be broken over and over again? I am mad at her for making feel like this but just as Alice said to Mary I am not his boyfriend so I don’t have the right to be mad at her but f**k this!

She know how much I love her and how dedicated I am to her and this is how I get.

After that night, I became aloof with all of my friends except Annie, I still texted her which is I am grateful for because she is cursing Alice all over the place and also making me feel appreciated. Everything change from then on, Alice still didn’t say a thing about that incident and I didn’t tell her that I know about it, hoping she will tell me but I was wrong. My relationship with her became rocky to the point that we didn’t talk for a few days but we’re still friends. Even though that happened to me I received a blessing in return.

Text conversation:

Me: Annie I have good news!!

Annie: What is it? Are you guys together already? Haha

Me: Nope. The good news doesn’t have anything to do with her. Do you remember the BPO company that I mentioned before where I applied? They hired me!!

Annie: woah! Congratulation Rafa!!! Did you tell her already?

Me: Not yet, you are the first one to know.

I started working, it’s a bit of stressful but I know I can do this. Don’t make a mistake coz I am not doing this for Alice, for her to make me her boyfriend but for my career. Months of hard work and I became a regular employee at the same time Alice became my girlfriend. I know I know, I do have work now so she decided that it’s already okay to become my girlfriend. I am happy of course, this is what I want for a long time and finally she is mine, I can call her my girlfriend and I can make a statement to other guys that she is off limits. But the thing is it didn’t last long, day by day I can feel she is slowly making a gap between us. I am doing everything to make our relationship work but I guess she really doesn’t love me. I already have work, the one that she require me to have and now she is treating me like this again.

“Rafael, we need to talk.” Alice said when we arrived at the park where we usually hang out and I can feel that what she is going to say is not going to sit well with me.

“Alright, what is it?” I asked her even though more or less I already know what she is going to say.

“I think we need to stop this. I’m already busy with my work and can no longer have time for you.” She said. I

know she is getting busy since she got promoted but I know that is not the real reason she is breaking up with me.

“So you’re breaking up with me? Don’t you love me anymore? No, let me rephrase it, do you even love me to begin with?” I said bitterly to her. Again, my heart is breaking into pieces.

“I do love you, it’s just that it is unfair for you if I can’t give you time anymore.” Alice said as she started crying like her breaking up with me deeply hurts her.

After everything, all the hurt and s**t happens, I just resigned and gave up.

“If that is what you want and I’m sure you won’t change your mind either so okay. Let’s break up.” After saying that I hugged her one last time and kissed her forehead, I walked her home and went straight to the top of the mountain where I usually watched the sunrise. I just sat at the big rock at the peak and silently cried, relieving everything until I no longer feel a thing.

Moving on is not easy especially if you love that person very much and you dedicated your time to them. But I don’t regret loving Alice, I don’t also wish for her to experience the same pain I did. Wishing someone else’s misfortune won’t bring blessings your way.

Now, I can only concentrate on my career, making myself better and at the same time slowly patching myself back together. I have friends who are always there in my darkest hour and still supporting me, I appreciate that they never leave me walking in the dark alone and at the end of that tunnel, a light as bright as the sun reach this cold body of mine and bring back the warm that I once lost.

“Good Morning Rafael.” A beautiful woman with long brown hair with a very enticing voice greeted me that make my heart skip a beat.

“Good morning Sofie.”

The end!