A Boaring Tale

How to make Dad scream like a girl

ANOTHER BOARING STORY   HOWDY FOLKS,
Some of ya may know that Ole Kuntry use to be somewhat of The Great White Hunter.. I use to live in the woods....I can honestly say I'm a pretty good shot with both a gun and a Bow.... I don't hunt anymore. Haven't gone hunting in several years.. I raised Bucky(a pet Deer) and just really don't have the heart to kill something and drag it home anymore... I still venture out in the wild on occasion though.....Just to relax, take in the sights and sounds, etc. etc.......
My Dad.. Now he was the MAN when it came to Hunting....He was a sniper in Korea so he has always been an awesome shot....... I have seen that man hit a coin with a bow from 50 yards.........I spent many a day when I was a kid.....Sitting by his side on a deer stand......Listening to his stories.....All kids will tell ya they have THE BEST DADDY IN THE WHOOOOOOLE WORLD!! I truly do! I just knew even to this day..... My Dad would always keep me safe......He loves me with no conditions..........AWWWWWW HELL! I'm starting to get all mushy and stuff... Thats not what this blogs about.............
Folks the photo above is that of a Wild Boar..It's basically just a big mean a*s old Hog..Let me tell ya. If you make one mad.. Ya better have on your running shoes............It doesn't take much with these animals for the Hunter to become the Hunted...........THEY WILL KILL YOU If given the chance.........So.. With that said.... Here is my story.................................. ...
It was a crisp winter morning... I was maybe 8 or 9 years old... I had been hunting with my Dad since I was old enough to PEE YELLOW.( MY DADS WORDS NOT MINE.) (So ask him what it means because Kuntry don't know).......We had put all our stuff in the car the night before.. So it was well before daylight when we got to the woods......I was as Happy as a Clam at High Tide.. I had never gotten to go Hog Hunting with Dad.. He always said it was just not safe.......So I'll admit, I was a wee bit afraid .....But I knew Dad wouldn't let anything happen to me...................Now since I was still kinda wet behind the ears Dad made me sit with him instead of letting me out alone.....(NO PROBLEM).. We had sat there for what seemed like forever..........I was beginning to think today would be another day of just stories.......When I looked up and saw Dad with his finger to his lips.. This meant SHUT THE HELL UP! In Daddy sign laungage.....(NO PROBLEM)...Out about 70 yards was about a 300 lb hog.......Man was he purdy......WE Eaten HAM TONIGHT!.... I saw my Dad raise his gun....... He took careful aim............BOOM!!!!! YA GOT HIM DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!It's really hard to describe the feelings at that moment... I was filled with both pride and amazment... THAT WAS A GREAT SHOT DAD.............SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO BE JUST LIKE YOU!!!!!!!! Well we sat there for a few more minutes and Dad told me to stay here, while he went and checked on the hog........(NO PROBLEM). I watched as my Dad carefully approached his Prey.......Dad was probably 20 yards from that hog at this time,,,,,,,I watched in total amazement ..... The 300 or so pound Hog got to his feet...........(OH S**T) no didn't say it out loud....Just between me and you.. I HATED THE TASTE OF SOAP! Have ya ever seen a really mad bull before? How they look as if their eyes are turning red and snots flying out their nose... Well in my eyes thats just what this hog was looking like....... I watched as my Dad calmly raised his gun again.........I saw him take aim.......But I never heard the BOOM! Now folks my Dad was an ordained minister.. I rarely EVER heard him cuss....So you can just imagine how shocked I was when I heard my Big Brave Father scream like a girl.......I refuse to put in print the couple of words he said at the time....(SO USE YOUR IMAGINATION). Turns out Dads old rifle had jammed... The big hog was having none of this... He turned on my Dad with a vengance... My Dad just stood there...ME? I was looking for a higher limb in that tree.(I didn't know hogs couldn't climb and I wasn't gonna take the chance). I watched as my Dad took his gun by the barrel and whacked that big hog right over the head.... His gun broke into two pieces... The hog was a little stunned I guess, because dad took off running like an Olympic Sprinter...That hog decided now was a good time to play some tag because He took off right behind him.........I couldn't see them anymore but I could hear them both crashing through the woods.....I heard that Hog grunting and squealing Heard my Dad screaming and cussing... Then everything got quiet.......... The first thing to cross my mind was DAD'S BEEN EATEN by A HOG!! I'll admit, I was crying like a baby.. I was scared to freaking death. HELL! I WAS JUST A KID! IN A TREE! IN THE WOODS! who's Dad has just become some big a*s old pigs lunch.. Wouldn't you have cried also? (THOUGHT SO!). About that time I heard my Dad calling to me......BOY! (That's what he called me). BOY! STAY IN THAT TREE! (NO PROBLEM). I'M OK. BUT THIS DAMN HOG HAS ME UP A TREE.. HE'LL GET TIRED AND LEAVE IN A BIT.......Well, A bit? turned into several hours..........This whole time Dad had been yelling to me I guess so I wouldn't be afraid? (DIDN'T WORK DAD).. I look back and it was times like these that ya wished they would have invented cell phones a wee bit sooner.. HELL! I would have called the National Guard........(NOPE! WAS A LIE! I WOULD HAVE CALLED MY MAMA).. She would have beat that old hogs a*s with a willow switch... TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH MY DAD YA OLD HOG!
Well after a while I hadn't heard my Dad for sometime.. So I'm thinking to myself... HMMMMMM! DAD SAID TO STAY UP HERE! BUT WHAT IF SOMETHINGS WRONG??? WELL HE DID TELL ME ONCE THAT THERE WAS REALLY NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF IN THE WOODS..(I NEVER BELIEVED HIM ANYWAY)..ssssh! he would be crushed.....
Well sometimes in life we are forced to face our fears....We must use our own judgment..THIS WAS ONE OF THEM TIMES...(I CHOSE TO SIT THERE ANOTHER HOUR) S**T! (and I only say that because Dad's up a tree and he can't hear me) MY BUTT IS REALLY TIRED OF THIS TREE. IT'S TIME TO BE A BRAVE BOY AND GO SAVE DAD..
So I climbed down from the tree.......I didn't have a gun... So I found me the biggest baddest rotten stick I could get my hands on.........I was gonna knock his a*s out if he came after me....(GET REAL FOLKS. DAD HAD ALREADY SHOT HIM AND BROKEN HIS GUN OVER HIS HEAD... WTF WAS I GONNA DO WITH A STICK?) So off I went to find Dad.....S**T I'M SCAIRD... S**T S**T S**T.(Sorry.. That was my word of choice back then) (WELL! WHEN DAD WASN'T AROUND ANYWAY).So I walked very slowly over to where I had last heard my Dad..... Scoping out every little inch of my surroundings......If anything moves? IT'S DEAD MEAT.. I did have my stick ya know.........Yes folks I was moving like a true Ninja warrior...Then it happend... OMG! I'M DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!THINK I JUST PISSED MT PANTS! S**t! It's only a squirrel........(NO PROBLEM).. So I tippy toe just a little farther..(SEEMED LIKE MILES TO ME BUT IN REALITY I HAD GONE JUST A FEW YARDS). THANK YA JESUS! I had found my Dad...The hog was nowhere to be found...Dad was ASLEEP IN A TREE! I howled at the top of my lungs.. I was a happy camper once more.... I was safe... I just knew Dad would protect me....Did he Thank ME for saving him from that hog?? HELL NO! All he said was NEXT TIME BOY!!! I TELL YA TO STAY THERE! YA BETTER LISTEN!(NO PROBLEM DAD! NO PROBLEM)
WELL DAD! It took me a long time to finally get brave enough to tell folks this....... YA SCREAMED LIKE A GIRL!!!! HOW DO YA LIKE THEM APPLES????
YA"LL SMILE !