Rednecks Don't Fly

Famous last words.."Hey Y'all watch this."

HOWDY FOLKS<

Now we have all done things in our lives that we can now look back on and wonder. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING????? Though I'll be the first to admit, some ideas weren't to bright.. Some I was lucky to even live through..

Now Ole Kuntry has always been kinda a dare devil.... When I was younger. (AND MUCH DUMBER) If you dared me to do something? I took it as a challenge and would normally do it... (Without weighing the pro's and con's of course).. For example.... Was dared to dive off the Heliport once off shore.... YEP! 60 feet into salt water.. Now I only bring up the fact that it was salt water for a reason. SALT water is much heavier than fresh.. So hitting it from 60 feet is like hitting a brick wall....(NO! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT AT THE TIME). I paid for that stunt for about two weeks..... Anyway... That's not what todays blog is about...... Some stupid things we would rather just leave in the past..............TRUST ME WHEN I SAY! Those Jackass boys, ain't got chit on us old Rednecks............

When I was a young neck.. We had this big Ole canvas beach umbrella.....Yep! this was back when they made things to last....Well? I got me this idea that I could fly with that thing.......It was about the size of a parachute....

So the plan was, I would climb on top of the house. Hold said umbrella really really tight, and jump off the roof... If everything went the way it did in my head. I should just float across the backyard trouble free.....

I set up my Dads ladder, climbed up onto the roof with umbrella in toe.... Now once I got up there and was looking at the ground. I started to have my doubts as to weather or not my plan would work....(ACUALLY I WAS SCARED CHIT LESS). But there was really no turning back......... So I grabbed on to the umbrella pole as tight as I could......... Ran to the edge of the roof and stopped......... DAMN! THAT'S A LONG WAY DOWN! I KNOW!!!!!!! I JUST WONT LOOK!!!!! So I turned around with my back to the edge.. Held on tight... And stepped off the roof........ DID IT WORK?WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK? Of Course it didn't work.... Because I didn't factor in for pole diameter.. Seems that my hands just weren't strong enough for the grip I needed.......... The umbrella caught air like a true parachute......When that happened, I slid strait down the pole only to have the ground suddenly stop my flight.... Then the umbrella pole hit me on the head causing extreme discomfort..... NOW I WAS PISSED!!!!! Ain't no stupid Big Yellow Umbrella going to get the best of me.. Now after I managed to finally stop the flow of blood from my head. I put my thinking cap back on...................ROPE??????? Yep!! That ought do it.....Now the only rope I could find at the time was the big anchor rope from my Daddy's Bass Boat... DON'T THINK HE WILL MIND IF I BORROW THIS???? So I drag everything back up to the roof...... Open the Big Yellow Umbrella so I can tie it to me... Well due to the wind this wasn't working to well.... So I close the umbrella.. Lay it down flat on the roof. Lay back onto it and wrap that big Ole anchor rope round and round.. By the time I was finished I looked kinda like a slinky with an umbrella sticking out of it...... NOW THIS OUGHT WORK.......... So I managed to get that Big Umbrella open again........WOW!!! I CAN FEEL THE WIND TRYING TO LIFT ME UP ALREADY.. I'm about to FLY! So I run to the edge of the roof........NOPE!!!!!!!!! DAMN THATS FAR! MY HEAD HURTS!!!!!!But I was standing there looking like a big human slinky so I had to do it....... So I turned around with my back to the edge of the roof and stepped off.........DID IT WORK??????????? HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!The pole slid right outa the rope and I hit the ground...........But it did go a little better than last time... At least it didn't hit me in the head..............Unfortunetly I didn't get to fly that day........But I did get my butt tore up for cutting my Dad's anchor rope outa his boat.....

DO NOT FRET MY FRIENDS.. Kuntry did get to fly another day.......Yep... Many years later since I had mentioned it would be something I would love to try someday....... My wife bought me a jump at the small airport not to far from our house.........After taking a little two hour instruction thing....... They strap your a*s to this big burly man. And push your a*s outa a perfectly good airplane..............Yep!! I can now take that right off my THINGS TO DO LIST. And move it to my THINGS I AIN'T NEVER DOING AGAIN LIST!!!

Y'ALL SMILE!