A day in da Big House.

I was arrested.....ONCE!

HOWDY FOLKS

Today Is Officially Brain Fart Day. Since I already have that strike against me and solely for the fact that I have come to grips with the realization that I am Not smarter than a 5th grader. I'm just killing time working on my Book. I've been taking a few stories and dotting the I's and crossing the T's. Spell Check is now my best friend. I'll be re-posting the revised versions as they come along...

This story is about the One time that This Ole Redneck was on the wrong side of the long arm of the Law.

First a little mood music.............

The warden threw a party in the county jail.
The prison band was there and they began to wail.
The band was jumping and the joint began to swing.
You shouldve heard those knocked out jailbirds sing

OK, maybe that was just a tad to much?

 

It was a Beautiful Summer morning. I had been working in my yard cutting grass,clearing limbs,and raking up Pine Straw. This was the first Home I had ever owned and I took great Pride in having my yard just right. This being a Gated Community The Homeowners Association pretty much was becoming my worst nightmare. I tried to tell um them Goats was just for keeping the grass trimmed but they weren't having it. I know one Grouchy Old B***h that wont be getting an invite to the next Pig Killing.

Folks I had just about filled my old Truck up with grass clippings and such. Now that Homeowners A*S. Woman wouldn't let ya put this type stuff on the curb for the trash man so I had myself a delima? I decided to just take this stuff way out into the woods and give it back to Nature.... And thats exactly what I did...I was so far back into the middle of no wheres the Big Guy himself wouldn't find it. Half way through unloading my mornings work I heard a deep voice?....."SON?'..........."ummmmm God?"...."WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING HERE?".......Just dumping out all these limbs and this Pine straw I cleaned from my yard."...."NOW SON, YOU CAN'T DO THAT HERE. THIS IS ON STATE PARK PROPERTY!!"...But God, It's just stuff that will turn back into the earth....."NOT HERE IT WON'T, NOW PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK! YOU SIR ARE UNDER ARREST!"...Wait a minute?.. You ain't God... God don't carry handcuffs? "Officer Sir, Ya mean to tell me that I could go to jail for this?..NOPE!.. YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL FOR THIS!

Now I'll admit, my first instinct was to run like hell but after weighing all the options I decided this would not be the road I choose. I could just see it now on the six O'Clock news. Helicopters with Search lights, Men with guns and dogs all searching for that illusive Dumping Bandit. Now that I think back, maybe I should have run. I'm sure the Movie Royalties would have come in handy right about now? HMMMMMM? I wonder who would play me? Brad Pit? Larry the Cable Guy? Reckon we'll never know. So as Robo Cop shoved me into the back of his Caged Car I realized it would most certainly be a long day.

The whole ride to the jail house I fully expected some of my buddies to come along in Bubba's 4-wheel drive and bust me out? But they never showed? Once we arrived I was kinda mad. WHERE ARE ALL THE CAMERAS? WHY THE HELL ISN'T CONNIE CHUNG HERE? YOU MEAN I'M NOT GOING ON OPRAH AFTER ALL?....MY BALLS ITCH!....NOPE! NOT A GOOD DAY AT ALL!

Well Robo Cop takes me inside and hands me off to this big Ugly fella he preceded to take a few photos and turns my fingers all black.. HEY DUDE! CAN I HAVE ONE FOR MY MAMA? Up till this point this was all more embarrassing to me than anything else. I was still waiting for that Guy to jump out and tell me to smile I was on Candid Camera.... Didn't happen. About this time I got myself a hefty dose of reality.. The big Ugly feller tells me to step in this room and remove all my cloths....WAIT!...WTF?....WHY?.. YOU WANT ME TO WHAT? Remove all your cloths sir we have to search ya.. FOR WHAT? ...Drugs and things....... Now I don't know about y'all, but shoving a bunch of dope up my butt isn't something one would normally do before cleaning their yard?.... Is it?..... Didn't think so.... After my education in humility was over he handed back my cloths. Well minus the shoe laces of course. DON'T WANT NO DISTRAUGHT DUMPER HANGING HIMSELF ON MY WATCH!

Finally they let me have that phone call that I had heard through movies and such that they gotta give ya. So I called my wife..BABY........what........I NEED YOU TO COME GET ME.....ok, why?...... CAUSE I'M IN JAIL...wtf are you in jail for?....UMMMM DUMPING.............She dropped the phone.. Did y'all know that woman snorts like a hog when she laughs? It's the most annoying sound on this earth........how much will this cost?... HELL I DON'T KNOW!....PIMP THE KIDS OUT, SALE THE DOG.. I DON'T CARE JUST GET ME OUTTA THIS HELL HOLE!

While I was waiting for the wife to show up they put me in this tiny room with 4 of the meanest looking fellers I ever saw. OMG! I have heard stories about what happens to fresh meat at the Big House..Kuntry ain't gonna be NO MANS B***H. Whats the deal with the toilet? Is there a reason for placing it in the center of the room? I'm kind of a private person so It's a good thing I went before I left home. I WILL EXPLODE INTO A GIANT MUSHROOM CLOUD OF POOP BEFORE I USE THAT THING!....HEY... FELLA, CAN I GET A PRIVATE CELL?

I was just sitting in the corner minding my own business when I noticed one of the Big Mean Looking fellas looking my way.NO! PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET HIM COME OVER HERE......HE DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME.... I'M NOBODY........JESUS!.....TO LATE! Now I'm a pretty big guy. I'm a couple of inches over 6 feet tall and weigh well over 200 pounds. But this dude was the freaking missing link. He musta been a whole foot taller. When he opened his mouth to talk It wasn't what one would expect to come out.. He sounded like Papa Smurf..He told me he was in for assault and cutting some guy up with a bottle.(WELL, WHO AM I TO JUDGE?)

WHAT THEY GOT YOU FOR?...................I started to tell him I was in for robbing banks and beating up Police officers but decided against it.... I'M IN HERE FOR DUMPING..........what did ya dump?...Ummm Bodies? Drugs?... NOPE! IT WAS PINE STRAW. SEEMS THAT IT'S AGAINST THE LAW TO DO THAT IN A STATE PARK.......Boy they gone fry your a*s..........Funny thing I learned about prison. If ya keep um laughing it keeps their minds off the Booty..

The wife finally showed up to spring me. While they was finding all the paper work I even got to talk to her on one of them fancy telephones while staring at her two feet away. She still wont tell me why she wouldn't press her Hooters up against the glass for me like I saw in a movie once. After all, I had been in jail for three long hours by this time. What do y'all think?

Folks Ole Kuntry was rehabilitated that day.. I realized that some folks just ain't cut out for a life of crime. To this day just the sight of a hefty bag will start me to shaking......ewwwww

 

Y'all WEAR YA SMILES......kuntry

Reckon ya just have to read the story and make up your own minds........