OH NO, JOE'S GOTTA GO!

Boys don't play with dolls.

Howdy Folks,

Since I do have a couple of young folks that read this, I better put me a legal disclaimer on this post:

WARNING::: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! I have been doing dumb crap all my life. Therefore I am a professional. Please do not hold me responsible if you blow your a*s up!!

It was Christmas Morning Nineteen Hundred And Sixty eight. The war in Vietnam was still in full swing. I was opening the presents that Santa had left for me the previous night(wink wink).. Now my Mom(OOPS. I MEAN SANTA) always left me a few goodies in my stocking that we had hung on the cardboard fireplace that only was around at Christmas time..(Y'all remember those things? They had a little light bulb in um with a little silver twirly thing that was suppose to look like a fire..?)

I noticed that my big Ole stocking was bulging Like a wet babies diaper...So I Dumped it out on the floor... OH MAN!.. I hit the mother load this year.... THANKS SANTA!.. It was full of firecrackers and bottle rockets It even had a big Ole pack of 1000 army men in it..... Now I can't speak for everybody but most little boys back then just loved them army men.DUDE! THAT SOUNDED SO GAY!.. Shut up voices, they know what I mean.. FOR YOUR SAKE WE HOPE SO?

Mom walks in with one more box. She told me that Santa had run outta wrapping paper so she had just left it in her closet in a cardboard box.....I tore into that box like a wolf pouncing on a sheep...I put on a real Happy face when I saw what it was......But really I was in shock..........It was a G I JOE!

HA HA HA HA! KUNTRY PLAYED WITH DOLLS..Weren't no doll voices..It was an ACTION FIGURE!....DUDE DON'T MATTER WHAT YOU CALL IT?... IT'S A DAMN DOLL!

HEY KUNTRY?......What?.....DID YOU KNOW THAT ALL THE MEN IN JOE'S ARMY WERE OFFICERS?..Whys that?... CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS THEY AIN'T GOT NO PRIVATES.......Y'all shut up so I can tell um how we got rid of that doll...ummmmm? I mean ACTION FIGURE!

Now folks, I couldn't upset my Mom over this.. So I called my Buddy Bruce kinda on the down low...."Hey Bruce did ya have a good haul this year?? ".. "Was OK. What you get?"...G I Joe.......OMG! I'll be right over.

Bruce came over and we put our heads together.....We decided that since I had so many fireworks we would just send Joe's a*s into outer space.... So we attached as many bottle rockets as we could to old Joe. I bet we probably had fifty of them.Now we knew there was no way we were going to light all them fuses at once so we put toilet paper on the back of it and that would be our fuse...........

Bruce started the count down while I lit the fuse.......5.....4.....3.....2.....1....

Man you should have seen it... Bottle rockets was going in every direction..Me and Bruce was hunkered down behind the patio table for safety sake... When it was all said and done. All the rockets were gone but Joe was still there..His only injuries were a burnt leg and he had turned into Michail Jackson. The old one. Not the white guy (she) is today..

So we had to resort to plan B.........

We put our thinking caps back on and decided to just Blow Joe's a*s up...NOW THAT REALLY SOUNDED GAY DUDE!.. Y'all hush I'm thinking..

Now we were smart Little rednecks so we just decided to make our own Weapon of mass destruction....

FIRST LET ME SAY THIS ONE MORE TIME!... (Kids DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!).. Ya may wont to go to a buddies house instead...wink

We started by unrolling all the paper off that toilet paper roll..Makeing sure to place it in the trash so Mom wouldn't be upset..YEA RIGHT!..Next we cut open every firework that was left and poured it into that Cardboard roll thingy..After we had pretty much filled the thing up with powder, we used a rednecks best friend to seal it up with(THAT WOULD BE DUCT TAPE WOULDN'T IT KUNTRY?).. Yep!.. We tied enough fuses together to give us some run time, if ya know what I mean?.... Finally! We had our WMD........We placed G I Joe on top of my Mom's favorite flower pot. We had him sitting on that WMD like a Cowboy on a horse..This time Bruce lit the fuse.. I hid behind the table.Bruce ran and jumped behind the table also. We covered our ears and waited.................NOTHING HAPPENED..

We were just about to stand up and go check it when..

Now to this day I don't think my Mom knows the true purpose of mine and Bruce's mission that Cold Christmas day. We did do what we set out to do...I think the only piece of G I Joe that we found after it was all said and done was a foot a few weeks later when I was cutting the neighbors grass. And I can say with all honesty I never ever had the desire to make a bomb again.......IT'S AMAZING WHAT A GOOD A*S WHOOPING WILL DO TO A FELLER AIN'T IT?

BOOOOOOOOM! OMG! It shook the house.Hell, It shook the neighborhood... My Mom runs out, the neighbors run out, me and Bruce are just standing there with our ears ringing.. Now I ain't gonna lie.. Mom wasn't real happy. She whooped both me and Bruce real good.. Then when she realized we had blown up her favorite flower pot, she whooped our asses again.(Back then Moms could get away with as many a*s whoppings as they could dish out).. Weren't no such thing as Child Abuse back in those days. Plain and simple.. You did wrong... You got ya a*s wooped... Nu ff said..

Y'ALL WEAR YA SMILES TODAY.... I AM...............