A Woman less Wedding

Yes this really happened..

The Woman-less Wedding.

A Story by Kuntry

Just being silly with a Memory.

Sometimes our memories will frighten us. Some days they are all we have to rely on. But without a shadow of doubt we are totally powerless to their control.

I lay in bed this morning in that half awake half asleep state. I haven't a clue what triggered it, but I started thinking about an Idea for a story. That early in the day still trying to shake away the cobwebs from a good nights sleep, I was struggling in my own mind with my choices. Luckily I did come up with a story, but first I will try to put that Brief mental struggle in print. It would probably be best for all concerned if I just started from the time I first opened my eyes..

 

kuntry.............Kuntry........KUNTRY!....... WTF y'all want, it's not time to get up yet. I'll get up at Noon. Umm Dude,judging by that hump in the sheet I would say it may be a little late. Y'all Hush, That happened to most all men first thing in the morning. It's natures way of kinda letting us know that everything is still in working order. Kinda like a Pre Flight Check List. 10 Fingers?......Check!........10 toes?..........Check!.............Ummmmmm? Well? You Know?.........CHECK!.... I'm ready to face the day.Voices why Y'all bothering me so early this morning?... DUDE! YOU KNOW WE DON'T SLEEP MUCH...WE GET TIRED OF YOU ALWAYS HOGGING THEM FUZZY PILLOWS SO WE JUST LAY HERE AND TRY TO GO OVER THE OLD MEMORIES IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD. WE ARE THE ONES WHO DECIDE WHICH ONES TO KEEP AND WHICH ONES TO DELETE......and?..... WELL, WE WAS RASSL'n WITH THIS ONE CHOICE. TRYING TO DECIDE IF WE EVER WANTED TO BRING THIS ONE UP AGAIN.......-voices, whatever are y'all referring too?... IT'S HORRIBLE KUNTRY.... HAPPENED TO YA IN HIGH SCHOOL....... and?...... BET THESE FOLKS DON'T KNOW YOU DRESSED UP LIKE A GIRL ONCE? probably not!.............YOU REMEMBER YOU ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE BIG EVENT?.......what event?... I just ain't seeing it? WE CAN HELP YA OUT IN THREE WORDS, WOMAN LESS WEDDING!................oh s**t! I forgot about that......WELL DUDE WE KNOW IT WAS HORRIBLE, BUT MAYBE IF WE TELL THESE FOLKS ABOUT IT? IT WILL HELP YOU DEAL WITH THE MEMORY...........I reckon it's worth a shot...............

 

WOMAN-LESS WEDDING

HEY! Has anyone seen my bra? No dude are ya sure you brought one? I think so, I'm sure my aunt put one in the bag when I went to borrow this lovely dress. ,How is my make-up, does this dress make my a*s look big? DUDE! YOUR A*S IS ALWAYS BIG!. (Shut up voices... I don't need y'all for this one). OMG! This humidity is gonna mess up my make-up....STOP YOUR WHINING DUDE YOU SOUND JUST LIKE A WOMAN......Voices TODAY I am a woman.....(EVERYBODY SING NOW).." I feel pretty.... Oh so Pretty.. lalalala!"

Was the spring of 77, my school was having a Woman Less Wedding. I don't have a clue as to why, but some fool actually thought this would be entertaining? Yours truly was Lucky enough to have been chosen to be a brides maid. GEE THANKS YA LL! I'M FREAKING HONORED!

Me and the two other Bridesmaids had spent the better part of the day getting ready for the big event. We had 14 gallons of hair spray on top of our heads in order to maintain that perfect balance between Big hair and a FRO. Our water balloon b***s were heaving with every breath. HOW THE HELL DO WOMEN WALK IN THESE? We were trying to master the fine art of walking in heels. BUT WE NEVER DID! WE OPTED FOR THE CONVERSE ALL STARS INSTEAD! (umm, Them was tennis shoes if ya didn't know)

Finally the hour was near. We loaded up in my buddies little M G Midget. This alone was a site in itself, three big burly football players crammed into a M G wearing dresses. THANK GOD THEY DIDN'T HAVE DISPOSABLE CAMERAS THEN)

We had gotten about half way to the school. Had to listen to all the normal Bitching about riding cramped up in a car with no top. Bruce was driving us mad with the bitching about the wind messing up his Pretty Hair Do.(WE THINK BRUCE WAS ON THE RAG BUT WE NEVER ASKED?).. Some things a Lady just doesn't discuss...........

BOOM!!!!! FLOP FLOP FLOP! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!... FLOP!

DAMN!. Y'ALL WE GOT A FLAT TIRE! DAMN DAMN DAMN!

I AIN'T Changing IT!........... DON'T LOOK AT ME EITHER..... I DIDN'T SPEND ALL DAY SUPER GLUING THESE NAILS ON TO CHANGE NO TIRE!(Why don't you all just do it?) THANKS VOICES.... GUESS I REALLY NEEDED YA AFTER ALL?

SOMEBODY HAND ME THAT JACK? Here ya go dude........DAMN THESE NUTS ARE TIGHT!...(shut up! I know what your thinking).. THE ONES ON THE WHEEL!...(WHEW! THINK I JUST DODGED A BULLET).... ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!.....DAMN!.. What happened dude?... I THINK I JUST BUSTED A B**B?......YEP!... GOT A LEAKER!... DAMN DAMN DAMN!

We got that tire changed and when we lowered the jack we found out that the spare was also flat.........WTF ARE WE GONNA DO NOW? Walk....It's only a couple more miles...... After the wedding we'll get someone to come back and help us........MAYBE SOMEONE WILL COME ALONG AND GIVE US A RIDE? (WHAT VOICES?)Let us get this strait? (We have three dudes in dresses, walking down the middle of the rode after dark. WOULD YOU GIVE YA A RIDE?).....HMMMMMM? I'm beginning to see the big picture here........

The voices was right as usual. No one stopped, we had walked well over a mile on this rather humid night. So we were all sweating buckets by the time we finally arrived at the school. The wedding was fixing to start so we really didn't have much time for primping.We walked into that big Ole gym to howls of laughter, people were pointing, staring and rolling on the floor...GOD I FELT SO CHEAP!

Let me try and draw ya a picture?(NEVER MIND! I CAN'T DRAW ON THE COMPUTER SO I'LL JUST TELL YA INSTEAD. You have tree dudes standing here all of us were sweating buckets.... We had dirt and grease all over our pretty dresses.. I HAD ONE B**B!... Our hair had fallen and was glued to our faces by the 14 gallons of hair spray.. Not to mention we were all squinting because that crap really burns when it's in your eyes. Our makeup had run down to our feet... AND TO TOP IT OFF.... I HAD BROKEN A FREAKING NAIL ....ARRRRRRRRRR!... And Bruce never let up this whole time with the BITCHING...(SOMEBODY GET THAT BOY A MIDOL)

WEAR YA SMILES............kuntry

 

Reviews

[Sara Muschweck]

A great write Kuntry. You have a wonderful way with story telling and making the reader comfortable in your writing. As always I enjoyed reading what you write.