The Break up

Just an feeling song

My heart was paralyzed, tears were in my eyes

When you said, I am leaving you

Don't know what to say, I'm still in shock 

finding what has happened and why

But you went away holding the hand of another guy

To shine always, my heart was not of gold or silver

now anger and hate are also feelings that I have

If this is the reason I would have changed, to be better only for you, my love

But you went away holding the hand of another man

My heart was like a desert, you were the furtile rain 

now you have left me, what stays is only pain

But I am still waiting  standing in front of this door

knowing you will never come again

It seems you are happy in the arms of another man

For this kind of pain in my heart, there is no surgery

my heart is broken now, still I think of you as an angel

I want to start to write, to tell about our love story

imagining my life without you, I can't even hold my pen straight

But you're are happy in the arms of another man

 

I admit my mistakes, I want to convince you

but what's the use of taking a ticket on a departed train 

somewhere in my heart there is relief and happiness for you

Because you seem so happy in the arms of another man

Reviews

[Sanjh]

Well penned, it's flowing nicely but there are a few things you can rectify.

You have not used any connectors like "and", but", "," etc. It's getting jumbled up. In the first line, I don't think "had placed" is required. Just a "," after paralyzed would work in the flow. Similarly comma can be used at a number of places as you've used two different sentences in almost every line. Some sentences are totally jumbled up. In the last line it should be "man" instead of "men".

Try some editing, and also do not try to force the rhyming. Sometimes, just because of a rhyming word the impact of a sentence reduces to nothing. With some changes this poem will become very powerful. This is just a constructive criticism, accepting it is your choice.
Thank you for sharing, keep writing...:)

[Kuldeep desai]

Thanks for the review and sure i will do the corrections and i am glad that u liked it.......

[Sanjh]

You are welcome bro, keep it up and keep writing...:)

[Kuldeep desai]

View,rate,review.......
Hope u ll like it