The Break up

Just an feeling song

My heart was paralyzed, tears were in my eyes

When you said, I am leaving you

Don't know what to say, I'm still in shock 

finding what has happened and why

But you went away holding the hand of another guy

To shine always, my heart was not of gold or silver

now anger and hate are also feelings that I have

If this is the reason I would have changed, to be better only for you, my love

But you went away holding the hand of another man

My heart was like a desert, you were the furtile rain 

now you have left me, what stays is only pain

But I am still waiting  standing in front of this door

knowing you will never come again

It seems you are happy in the arms of another man

For this kind of pain in my heart, there is no surgery

my heart is broken now, still I think of you as an angel

I want to start to write, to tell about our love story

imagining my life without you, I can't even hold my pen straight

But you're are happy in the arms of another man

 

I admit my mistakes, I want to convince you

but what's the use of taking a ticket on a departed train 

somewhere in my heart there is relief and happiness for you

Because you seem so happy in the arms of another man

Reviews

[Sanjh]

Well penned, it's flowing nicely but there are a few things you can rectify.

You have not used any connectors like "and", but", "," etc. It's getting jumbled up. In the first line, I don't think "had placed" is required. Just a "," after paralyzed would work in the flow. Similarly comma can be used at a number of places as you've used two different sentences in almost every line. Some sentences are totally jumbled up. In the last line it should be "man" instead of "men".

Try some editing, and also do not try to force the rhyming. Sometimes, just because of a rhyming word the impact of a sentence reduces to nothing. With some changes this poem will become very powerful. This is just a constructive criticism, accepting it is your choice.
Thank you for sharing, keep writing...:)

[Kuldeep desai]

Thanks for the review and sure i will do the corrections and i am glad that u liked it.......

[Sanjh]

You are welcome bro, keep it up and keep writing...:)

[JayG]

This is all over the place. The first three lines are in past tense, then you drop in one of present tense. Pick a tense and stay with it.

Here and there you rhyme. Either rhyme or don't rhyme. anything else doesn't work.

• finding what has happened and why

The line makes sense to you, but to the reader? We don't know either why, or what happened. So what is it supposed to mean to the reader? no way to tell.

• To shine always, my heart was not of gold or silver

The line makes absolutely no sense.

• now anger and hate are also feelings that I have

This is supposed to be poetry, and use vivid, evocative language, but it reads like a report. Added to that, "anger and hate," Why? And because of what? You're someone unknown, talking to someone not introduced, about things for which you've given no context. To you, meaningful. But your understanding is driven by intent, and your intent for the poem and each line never makes it past the keyboard.

If you're going to write for the reader, that reader must always have context for what's said.

[Kuldeep desai]

thank god....finally i found it what i needed.......thanks man....i was waiting for years....everyone here used to say nice, good,keep it up.......i was like not getting satisfied with those reviews.........you made my day man thank you......and i think i need to analyze in detail and go through all the aspects that you have said..........

[JayG]

It would help a great deal to read the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less traveled, on Amazon.He'll put things into perspective.

[Anindita Janhabee]

The emotions you show..... oh god.... i can't get out of it.....
I'm totally blank of mind after reading this..... i don't know what to write exactly as a review... I will say that some lines caught my heart... one of those is when you told of writing your love story but you couldn't hold the pen... such lines are something I can't ever make... i don't know how to construct such emotional lines........ still, I wait.. I hope... one day I can too....
very sentimental..........
again a beautiful piece........

[Kuldeep desai]

Those are the lines from broken heart when you are in that pain the words created are far behind of what you could do when you are normal......i actually felt some coziness in that pain...... I had to overview your profile you are still very young there's lots to see in life and i wish never such things occur to you and i hope you would be a good writer one day.......tc....

[Anindita Janhabee]

you are right and thank you... hope so...

[andrew mitchell]

Not bad. Keep writing.There is no ownership with love except our own.

[Kuldeep desai]

Very well said........Thank you for stopping by........

[wordman]

ahh ! the flip side of love momma never told you about !

[Kuldeep desai]

hahaha.......Some feelings are meant to be experienced not be known by anyone..........

[Riti Rajput]

The feelings mentioned in the poem are so painful... Loosing someone can not only break hearts, but the whole survival system of any one....
Very well written... and keep writing and sharing... :)

[Kuldeep desai]

Thank you my dear Poet Friend..........:) :) :) :).............

[Natalie]

I can really feel the raw emotion behind the poem, great job! Any constructive criticisms I can offer have been summed up nicely by Sanjh. But thanks for sharing! :)

[Kuldeep desai]

Thank you........:) :) :)...

[Prabha Salimath]

Other guy it looks very awkward ( I write what I feel ) and guys feel very irritated of that. I'm not saying to be easy, neither the wound let alleviates the heart soon. I just wanted every soul to catch the swing which life throw at us it'll be good. For guys and girls I wish to have some virtues in love life, firstly acrifice will work the better than anythng else but the other should understand that. Secondly never let ego work in it, finally working mind is like bird wanted to fly high for their dream so make some space for your beloved's happiness....

[Kuldeep desai]

i appreciate your view thank you for the comment.......

[Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere]

Good, but like Sanjh said, you have to watch your sentences about conjunctives and prepositions. I'm the last to point at such things, because English is not my native language, but to be readable you have to pay attention to this things. I will send you an e-mail with some suggestions. :) Rudi

[Kuldeep desai]

thank you for your concern........i appreciate that........

[Nitesh Mahabal]

True Story...!!! Loved It. Well Written (:

[Kuldeep desai]

thank u bro.......

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the feel of song in the words. I can feel the sadness for the separation.
"My heart was like desert,you came like rain
now you have left to me all is pain"
The mind knows before the heart. Old heart want things that are not good for it.Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Kuldeep desai]

thank you........ i am glad you have liked it.........

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.