LAMENT FOR MISGUIDED AMBITION

02 21 14...notes below

What happened to the happiness
I wore like an Olympic medal
when a low profile was a source of pride?
What happened to the modesty and gratitude
benignly embraced by those who refused
to have me lay in such shallow
sheets of retrospection?
What happened to my word choice
little linguistic discoveries
that painted token pouts with a thick
coat of consolation like rust paint?
When did my life-long goal of
one published piece extinguish
in the fizzle of misguided ambition?

When did I decide I would rather
be invisible than irrelevant?

Author's Note

I know I'm not irrelevant...I have met some dear friends on this site who are unceasing in their support and patience with me when my erratic moods flare up. This is an apology of sorts to them, as I don't feel I have properly acknowledged that support much of the time.

I must say this though...I may not be irrelevant, but I sure as hell feel invisible around here sometimes...

This is being posted under as thick a cloak of subtlety as possible. There will be no RRs...I'd say I hope that nobody sees it, but obviously that's not the case. But this is not a Steve Fortune poem in my mind...I'm not sure what it is, but it's something.

Reviews

[Lydia Shutter]

Life hands us all sorts of "stuff" and unfortunately, sometimes we retreat into invisibility rather than face another defeat. It is easier to be ignored than to be turned down....sometimes. I don't think you are invisible at all. The problem on a site like this is there are too many people to keep up with. I try to read as many poems and stories as I can, but time does not allow me to read them all. You, my friend, are far from invisible. I feel your presence at the cafe...and I hope that is a constant thing. Good write. Very expressive. Lydi**

[kublakhan27]

Thank you Lydi, I've always considered you one of those dear friends...the problem is that I dwell on the attention I don't get rather than be grateful for that which I do get. I know it's not easy to keep track of everyone, I would never hold that against you. This piece has a lot of do with the people I don't know as well, who seem to make room for all my friends but not me...a lot of them don't even know my name in fact. But you will never fall into that group, even though I'm equally guilty of not staying up to date on your work. I promise you that I'm never far off though and will continue to read as much of your work as possible. Thank you again my friend :)

[Lydia Shutter]

The poems have no expiration date....they will patiently wait! :)

[icelandicblue]

I think Jack London said he would rather be ash than dust. I would never think you are irrelevant and the site ebbs and flows. I've been gone for weeks and my true friends have found me, just like they find you. We accept each other for who we are flawed, scarred and epically human. Hang in there.

[kublakhan27]

Thanks very much my friend, your support means the world. I do feel a bit better after getting that out.

[Jack...]

Steve, invisible is a state of mind that I believe grips us all at one time or the other...we feel that no matter what we do nothing matters...but that my friend passes...it is when we are unable to see ourselves because we are afraid of what we will see that the trouble begins. I am in that place. Take heed my friend...be you regardless of who sees you because when you become someone other than who you are...my friend you are truly invisible.

You may not view this as a Steve Fortune poem but the rest of us who look forward to seeing you do.

[kublakhan27]

Thanks so much Jack, you've always had my back my friend. I sometimes wonder if anyone is truly happy with simply being themselves, but I get a little more comfortable with it everyday...thanks again as always for the support.

[Gleb Zavlanov]

Life is very erratic, and ambition, and fame is as John Keats once said, "a wayward girl." Give it time and patience and you're certain to achieve an immortal status among the great! I'm just glad you're a friend on this site. Your works are truly amazing, and I particularly enjoyed this one. :)

[kublakhan27]

Thanks so much Gleb, your kind words mean the world :)

[Ayvid N]

I appreciate your style of writing, which, by the way is jaw dropping quite a few times, at least for me, so I do not think you are invisible or irrelevant.

Cant say I and other writers like us have not felt the feelings expressed in this write at some point or the other in time. But I reason that attention here is claimed more by more prolific writers because they simply have more time and energy to devote to this website. But that does not make others here any less talented. We are just creatures of our own set of circumstances. I would not think of lack of attention on WC as a marker of my abilities as a writer. It is up there with those of the more popular ones for any truly discerning reader to judge for themselves.

Attention of true friends matters and I see you have plenty of that. Happiness is again very subjective and depends on where we look for it.

Your writing has your special stamp and it is Inimitable. This poem in itself bears ample evidence of that.

[kublakhan27]

I've long believed the same thing...I wonder if things would be different if I did spend more time here, but I just don't write frequently enough for that. I do have confidence in my writing, it's the lack of acceptance that kills me here. I just want acceptance, and I don't get it, except from my friends and that gets me through. Thank you for the kind words, Divya, much appreciated :)

[Ayvid N]

I understand and wish to add that most writers cannot write as frequently too. I only write when I am really moved by an emotions or really inspired by something. Acceptance on WC is something not vey well understood and it does hurt when a piece we have put our heart and soul into is not accepted th
e way we thought. Because it's a piece of ourselves we are putting out there. I just hope to convey that you are not alone in this. I hope things will feel better soon. You are welcome Steve. It will be a pleasure to read you and know you better. Have a wonderful day.

[kublakhan27]

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement Divya, it means a lot to know there's someone, anyone out there, who care about the stuff I do put my heart and soul into, but usually to deaf ears. I will continue to read your work and know you better as well. Hope you have a wonderful day as well.

[Ayvid N]

You too Steve. Have a great one :)))

[jacob erin-cilberto]

you will never be irrelevant my friend...and never invisible as long as your inked shadow hovers upon the pages.

i like this whole idea of modesty battling with pride...the publication vs the just creating..

what do we really wish for as poets...just to write, just to be remembered, do we want to have fame, and yet stay humble...
it's a conundrum.

[kublakhan27]

It certainly is a conundrum...I'm forever haunted by the question of how good a writer I'd be if I were happier...something tells me I wouldn't be very good. Thank you for the kind words Jacob.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

poets thrive in pain, steve...

if i hadn't had all the chaos in my life....broken marriages etc...i would have a silent pen...happy is damn hard to write!

[kublakhan27]

You can say that again my friend...it's the proverbial nature of the beast.

[Lyn Anderson]

I don't know what to say about this really. It's weird, how we perceive ourselves, and others for that matter. First let me say, a well written, introspective piece, with nary a grammatical misplaced comma or apostrophe. I love to write. Some of my best pieces are not viewed at all. I write maniacally, putting down 5-8 pieces per day, straight into the site. Because of this, I often feel like no one pays attention, because I simply write too much. Or maybe they think I am braggy or arrogant because of my incessant obsession with correction. As to publishing, it is so subjective and I really think self-publish is the way to go, direct to KINDLE, ebook, etc., and available on Amazon

[kublakhan27]

I always thought of it the opposite way...I wondered if I'm not active enough...maybe that prevents me from being well-known...I would love to have some of the stamina that my friends do, being able to churn out jaw-dropping stuff on a daily basis, but I must accept the fact that I just don't work that way. I'm not sure what my future holds in terms of publication, but I've heard about that a lot and I will keep it in mind. Thanks for reading and understanding KL.

[Lyn Anderson]

Not a problem. And here I am wishing I could sit and draft and re-draft and craft some masterpiece. I once had someone try to suggest I completely re-work a piece. It's as if he couldn't grasp that that is not how I write. I literally jot it down and am done. I would love to be able to laboriously tend to every line and go back and re-do, but I literally do not know how. We all have our own styles, hangups, and deals we make with ourselves to do what we do.

[redflutterby]

Omg...do I need to get my whip out?? Steve....you sweet silly man..Sigh... I just want to hug you!! xo

[kublakhan27]

I had a feeling you would respond that way Red haha ;P What can I say, you are one of the dear friends I speak of, thank you :) xo

[Frieda P]

Heavy sigh here Steve, tears at my heart to read this piece, it hardly sounds like one of yours to be honest. You are neither invisible or irrelevant, although I know you sometimes feel that way, you're a huge talent, at times it goes unnoticed, for reasons, I have no idea why. You know how I feel about your genius, so I'll just state that it's their loss, they are surely missing out by not reading your poignant words my dear friend. xo

[kublakhan27]

My sweet friend, I couldn't respond to this right away, I had tears in my eyes. I've always said that the only support that matters is yours and our other friends. But my sensitivity prevents me from being quiet...it shouldn't hurt, but it does. And as I mentioned up there, I don't consider this a poem by me...I'm not even sure it's a poem. But don't be fooled by my constant rants my dear...that's a whole different side of me, and not an accurate one. Thank you so much as always for being there...xo

[Lisbeth1981]

I think you did a great job expressing your emotions and putting words to the way many feel at one time or another. Great word choices too. I enjoyed it.

[kublakhan27]

So glad you enjoyed and understood Lisbeth, thank you.