SO HERE I AM

07 18 13

I am resentful of the present and envious of the past.
I wonder if I'll ever have a so-called real job again.
I hear the kettle bubbling viciously.
I want everything to happen for a reason.
I am resentful of the present and envious of the past.

I pretend to be book-smart.
I feel mortality when I touch a photograph.
I touch every talisman I can get my hands on.
I worry upon making every single decision.
I cry to the point that I fear dehydration.
I am resentful of the present and envious of the past.

I understand why I stopped trying to figure everything out.
I say, too late, things that should be said
I dream but I only remember the nightmares in the morning.
I try to forget what I learned in high school.
I hope I can make people happy without being happy myself.
I am resentful of the present and envious of the past.

Author's Note

Throwing my name into the "I Am" hat, which I wasn't gonna do, but reading some of the others inspired me enough to go with it. Nothing special. Captcha: fallback.

Reviews

[Lydia Shutter]

Such honest emotions expressed in this introspective write! You have shared your innermost thoughts...the ones that might seem contradictory at first, but actually make sense to me. While there are many lines with which I can identify, this one blew me away, "I feel mortality when I touch a photograph". This time of year, I find myself looking at old photos and videos. When I do, I realize most of the people are gone...and someday I will be too. I resent the aches and pains and wrinkles I have today and I am envious of the me I used to be....oh yea, I relate. Your writing is absolutely wonderful. I think you do make people happy with your words. You make me realize my bittersweet emotions are not as "out there" as I sometimes think they are. Lydi**

[kublakhan27]

It hasn't taken you long to figure me out my friend haha I'm essentially a walking contradiction...it's because of my medical conditions...I really don't know who I am to this day, and I think a piece this demonstrates just how far I am from truly figuring myself out, and who I actually am, because I am so different from day to day, even minute to minute. I've learned that one thing we certainly have in common is the way we approach the holidays...with every passing year, our shopping lists get a little shorter, and photo albums become thicker. My resentment of the present stems from the wish that I had the same personality then as I do now...I would definitely have handled some things differently, but the past has no conscience and owes me nothing, try as I might to convince myself that it does. That's the thing I envy, the ignorance of the past. But all of this aside, it does make me happy to know that there are some people out there who relate to what I write. It's really one of the few sources of happiness that I have, and you've brought a smile to my face with your kind words. Thanks so much :)

[Traci]

Such a bittersweet write. I admire the strength and courage you show when you write from the heart, exposing your soul. Truly beautiful Steve, as many will resonate with this piece.

"I hope I can make people happy without being happy myself."

You have no idea how happy your words make people ... especially me, my friend. Keep writing, keep expressing. Love you!!

[kublakhan27]

I am speechless, close to tears...no lie...thanks so much Traci, love you my friend :)

[Riding the Rainbow]

really powerful piece..
I miss the past and don't like the present..
I totally know how much I try to make the others happy when I'm dying inside..
Well done, my friend..

[kublakhan27]

Thank you Kejara...so glad you can relate to this piece :)

[Robbie~xoxo~]

Wow... you truly conveyed the essence of "I Am"...
I felt the honesty and emotional depth in this write... what a thought provoking stream of consciousness..
Even though there is structure in this piece, I felt as if you were conversing with me personally.
You have a way of pulling me into the dark recesses of your mind, my dearest poet.

I am ever grateful for you allowing us in... Thank you for sharing your beautiful soul. (((hugs)))~xoxo~:)

[kublakhan27]

You're too sweet Robbie :) I'm so glad I could not only bring you into my world, but make you comfortable there...that's no small feat considering how uncomfortable I am there myself ;P You understand me like few others, and I think that's what it takes in order for this kind of piece to have a real effect...you're always welcome in my world hun, you know that, and thank you as always for humbling me with your sweet words *love and hugs* xoxo :)

[Dana Alsamsam]

i really enjoyed not only the "I Am" form and repetition but also the repetition of that one line throughout. it really added dimension to the piece. i really liked this line also: "I dream but I only remember the nightmares in the morning." that one really resonated with me. maybe you should keep a dream log to remind yourself of the positive ones :) great work

[kublakhan27]

Thank you Dana :) All credit goes to Lori Carlson for providing the form, which I agree is great and thought-provoking...I have considered keeping a dream journal in the past, but I honestly have a hard time remembering the good ones...I know I do have good ones occasionally, they're just blurry haha I'm glad you liked it :)

[Androglossia]

Of being human. Of fatality, of failure, of death. This poem simply shows the mortal side of Steve Fortune.

[kublakhan27]

It does, and mortality is coming at me from all sides these days it seems...thank you Maryanne, I value your presence in my life :)

[Androglossia]

Well I guess I'm no exemption.. Always my pleasure, Steve:)

[Melanie Genevieve]

This makes me sad. le sigh

[kublakhan27]

It was sad to write too...thanks for stopping by :)

[Rita L. Sev]

I feel mortality when I touch a photograph...

Wow - this line hit me hard. It saddens me that you want to make others happy without happiness for yourself. Can it be accomplished, having joy while giving joy? Well, I certainly try...

A deep, honest and moving poem, K.

[kublakhan27]

It's interesting that you pointed those lines out, as they are probably the two most important lines in the poem...I won't burden you with the sad stories but I've been force-fed a healthy does of mortality in the last couple of years...the other line is a reference to my bipolar and how it affects the way I interact with people, which is not so great most of the time :P Being such a personal piece, I'm happy that it was able to resonate with you on that level...thank you as always my friend :)

[Mizo4]

interesting poetry, good poem. It illustrates the feelings of tiredness which come with being jaded from life at times. muy bien.

[kublakhan27]

I'm glad you enjoyed it, it's not my signature style but it's good to do something like this from time to time to clear the air, especially during writer's block...thank you for stopping by :)