PRECIPITOUS WALTZ

05 09 13

Natural light dies an imminent death
under heavyweight satchels of rain

Remnants of a few citrine rays
stubbornly endure like a thick
milk shake in a thin straw

White cotton women dilute
in accelerated shelter
leaving no solace of dessert
for the sweet teeth soured
by the needle viceroys
of Cain's salt acupuncture

Blue raincoats sigh in infamy
accepting their asphyxiated fate
on the shoulders of men who can't sing

or dance

Author's Note

It just started raining...and I just started writing...

Reviews

[Augustus]

You are unique. Very unconventional. Very few poets, great though they may be, give me so many pleasant surprises I go through their lines. Beyond a certain level, everyone can use metaphors and personification. But they can't necessarily make words talk the way you do.
"stubbornly endure like a thick
milk shake in a thin straw"
or
"Blue raincoats sigh in infamy
accepting their asphyxiated fate
on the shoulders of men who can't sing"
When I was about 12, my grandfather used to sit me down and make me read poetry to him. And he would also teach me how to appreciate poetry. He would point out words to me and say "See my lad, THIS word here is very important".
Along the same lines, I'll say the word "infamy" is very important. The word "asphyxiated" is very important. In the first line, the word "imminent" is very important.
It is touches like that, that truly lift a poem's standards.
Your rendering of rain might have painted a sombre picture, but it has given me a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction. Thank you! :)

[kublakhan27]

Thank you my friend, I always enjoy your unique and in-depth insights...that's a pretty cool story about you and your grandfather...I'm from a family of laborers and the only one that was ever artistically inclined...I used to read to my parents as well but it was usually just comic books and stuff...it would be another few years before I discovered poetry and the Classics...I owe a lot of that variety to the formulation of my voice now though...I think that's why I'm able to throw in words that one may not expect to see at any given spot, even myself haha

Thanks as always for the kind words...they mean everything :)

[Rhianne Ney]

Yeah, it's raining here also, and that itself is agonizing but it's great that you were able tow rite. I was pulled to sleep by the rain even though I should actually be writing. Anyways, nice poem you've got here!

[kublakhan27]

The rain can have varying effects on me and my mood and is never predictable, like the rest of me haha Thankfully a poem came out of this day though it was an idea I'd had in mind for a while beforehand...thank you Rhianne :)

[Rhianne Ney]

You're welcome~

[s y e]

Opening Comments
Steve, I loved this, it was magnificent! :) You have done a superb job! I am so blown away tonight with this write.

Moods
I love how the mood is quite dark, it was great, gives off a chilly vibe and gives me goose bumps! Always the best way to go, if you can give the reader goosebumps you know you're successful but you're always successful.

Imagery
There was some really powerful images in this write, Steve. It was raw, dark and powerful! I loved it! :)

Grammar and Spelling
I loved the wording, you used 'big words' (as I say to FP, haha) Luckily for me and you, I knew what they meant, whereas I don't half the time with, Pickles, hehe. Don't tell.

Closing Comments
Blew me away, like I already said but I thought I would let you know, again... ;) Girl Friday is right, this would be great read aloud at some dim lit shop or maybe in a basement, freak the crap outta me!

[kublakhan27]

Thank you so much for the in-depth review Noodle, this is one of my all-time favourite reviews for sure :) I wish I could offer feedback of this magnitude on others' work....you humble and encourage me with your kind words...many thanks again :)

[s y e]

You are very welcome, the pleasure was all mine. :) You deserve good reviews. You're a great writer. :) I'm glad you liked it though, I thought it I was wrong with most parts, hehe

[kublakhan27]

No, it was great :) it made me look at it in ways that I hadn't even done myself after writing it ;)

[s y e]

Haha, you just made me feel real smart! ;) Bahaa, I'm so glad! Woohoo, wait while I do the happy dance! ;)

[kublakhan27]

Haha I can wait ;)

[s y e]

Good ;) haha, I'm done..... Lol

[kublakhan27]

Haha that's good...dancing is good exercise ;)

[s y e]

Yep, 'specially on one foot, haha.

[kublakhan27]

Haha good for balance too ;P

[s y e]

YES! ;-) I've been off my foot for nearly 3 months, its weird! :P

[kublakhan27]

;) Really? I did not know that...did you hurt it?

[s y e]

Yeah. Something popped out one night when I was lying down reading a book. :/ My boyfriend teases me all the time telling me only I could hurt my foot so badly to be taken to hospital when I was reading ;P

[kublakhan27]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that...hopefully it is something you can recover from...most of the damage I do to myself is in my sleep, turning the wrong way and things like that, so I can sympathize ;P

[s y e]

Ah it's fine. :) I am walking slowly now so we're heading in the right direction. OMG, I hate that, the amount of times I fall out my bed is unreal!

[kublakhan27]

That's good to hear :) I used to have a problem with that, but maybe I was better that way cuz I'm probably hurting myself in attempts not to fall out now o_o

[s y e]

Ahahaha, that made laugh ^^

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Oh, all mighty poetry gods, you have shined upon this talent tonight! Wow...I'm utterly impressed with this one. The imagery, the rawness, the grittiness...I want to see/hear this one being read aloud at some dimly lit coffee shop. Impressed...

[kublakhan27]

Thank you so much Sarah...I am truly humbled by your compliments :)