PRECIPITOUS WALTZ

05 09 13

Natural light dies an imminent death
under heavyweight satchels of rain

Remnants of a few citrine rays
stubbornly endure like a thick
milk shake in a thin straw

White cotton women dilute
in accelerated shelter
leaving no solace of dessert
for the sweet teeth soured
by the needle viceroys
of Cain's salt acupuncture

Blue raincoats sigh in infamy
accepting their asphyxiated fate
on the shoulders of men who can't sing

or dance

Author's Note

It just started raining...and I just started writing...

Reviews

[Augustus]

You are unique. Very unconventional. Very few poets, great though they may be, give me so many pleasant surprises I go through their lines. Beyond a certain level, everyone can use metaphors and personification. But they can't necessarily make words talk the way you do.
"stubbornly endure like a thick
milk shake in a thin straw"
or
"Blue raincoats sigh in infamy
accepting their asphyxiated fate
on the shoulders of men who can't sing"
When I was about 12, my grandfather used to sit me down and make me read poetry to him. And he would also teach me how to appreciate poetry. He would point out words to me and say "See my lad, THIS word here is very important".
Along the same lines, I'll say the word "infamy" is very important. The word "asphyxiated" is very important. In the first line, the word "imminent" is very important.
It is touches like that, that truly lift a poem's standards.
Your rendering of rain might have painted a sombre picture, but it has given me a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction. Thank you! :)

[kublakhan27]

Thank you my friend, I always enjoy your unique and in-depth insights...that's a pretty cool story about you and your grandfather...I'm from a family of laborers and the only one that was ever artistically inclined...I used to read to my parents as well but it was usually just comic books and stuff...it would be another few years before I discovered poetry and the Classics...I owe a lot of that variety to the formulation of my voice now though...I think that's why I'm able to throw in words that one may not expect to see at any given spot, even myself haha

Thanks as always for the kind words...they mean everything :)

[Jack...]

Slipping inbetween the droplets in order to keep dry would be way too much work for me my friend. I have taken the liberty to read a few of the reviews below because this is an older piece and I must say, some of them have no idea what fun is. I have done many things in the rain and one of them is dancing. I love the rain. This reminds me of a day, not so many years ago when I was visiting someone I was very fond of on a rainy day. We were driving near the beach when we spotted a light house. A favorite song came on the rdaio, I can't recall exactly what it was right now, but I was something by Sting. I pulled the car over and we got out, leaving both doors open and danced in the rain to the song. Then, and I know you won't believe me, when the song was over I kissed her and as I did, the sun broke through a small fracture in the clouds and out just beyond the sand dunes appeared a rainbow. I will never forget that rainy day. And now I will not forget your wonderful and creative poem. Very well done and thank you for bringing that memory back to the forefront of my brain.

[kublakhan27]

That is an amazing and touching story my friend, and I thank you immensely for sharing it. It makes me happy to know that I'm able to reach out and provide the reader with the potential for such strong personal connections. You may have also gotten an idea of my own perceptions of the rain with my responses. I enjoy a warm or mild rain; there's something soothing and comforting about it, even when it's a downpour, and it just seems to lend itself to moments such as the one you've described. I love taking walks in it myself. But a cold and windy rain never fails to depress me. I react more positively to a blizzard (emotionally and creatively) than I do to those conditions. So glad you enjoyed this one Jack, and again, I'm happy I was able to stir up a positive memory :)

[writing mojo]

You took the impediment of in·an·i·mate objects, and lamented through them through the perceptive up and comings....You have such a gift with taking something so simple as a (feeling) a (vibe) and make it legible to a third eye bruised from too much insight to take equitable lightly ...amazing piece

[kublakhan27]

Many thanks again my friend for taking the time to read many of my works.

[writing mojo]

The pleasure is all mine. i enjoy your work thoroughly...in awe of your talent

[Lydia Shutter]

The metaphors are unique and clever. Personification of the rain and the light is wonderful. Reading your words is like walking through a rainbow...seriously. So vivid! The raincoats have to realize no one really sings or dances in the rain.....sad, but true. Lydi**

[kublakhan27]

Your rainbow analogy makes me smile; I've never had my writing referred to that way before :) I knew there was a level of lamentation in this piece but I'm thinking now that the dominant emotion here is resignation, which is not uncommon for me. I'm glad you enjoyed this one...thank you Lydia :)

[MOON]

Lovely turn of phrase as usual , very descriptive a photographic moment.

[kublakhan27]

Thank you Moon, your kind words are much appreciated as always.

[Kenneth The Poet]

And it is brilliant...that's my take.

[kublakhan27]

My thanks again for the kind words, they truly mean a lot.

[quixotic_rose]

It's just how you turn a phrase or fix up the words. truly you're like a complex work of art with a mystical appearance just waiting to be studied and learned. Wonderful work friend :)

[kublakhan27]

People tend not to believe me when I tell them this, but I am hardly a natural when it comes to writing. They certainly don't come overnight and in some cases I have to spend a few weeks on something before it finally takes shape. I did write this one on the spot, but then I spent another few days tinkering and fussing over the odd word here and there. It's ironic cuz I'm not a patient person by nature when it comes to anything else involving life haha Thank you Rose (that's your name now unless you have another preference ;)) for all your support. When my confidence is low, I always keep your words in mind :)

[quixotic_rose]

You can call me Rose :) haha its my middle name anyways so this is acceptable! I'm hoping to get my doctorate in english somtime in this upcoming future. Maybe people will stop killing teachers... that would be nice. OH, and I'm glad my words boost you up when you're down in the writing!

[kublakhan27]

Haha Very well :) You will have it soon, regardless of what else happens. And yes, I can't stress enough how much they boost me :)

[Pryde Foltz]

No singing in the rain. Hollywood myth, I believe. Great one, my friend.

[kublakhan27]

Yeah Hollywood has never done much for me haha Thank you Pryde.

[Taylor H.]

Remnants of a few citrine rays
stubbornly endure like a thick
milk shake in a thin straw

love that

[kublakhan27]

Thank you Taylor :)

[Taylor H.]

you're welcome :)

[Frieda P]

This one is about me, right? I know it is, dancing, ha...you can't fool me with the rain. This is insanely great Steve! Love the third verse, it's killer. Short and potent, you've outdone yourself with this grand write, the muse shone upon your soul through the rain here. Love this, going right on the shelf! 100/100

[kublakhan27]

It's funny, this one hasn't garnered a whole lot of reviews, but the ones it has garnered have been glowing ;P I liked it as an above-average piece once I had it all worked out, but it's growing on me much more now...

I suppose one could make a case for the rain being in there to set up the appearance of the famous blue coat later on...does that answer your question? ;)

[Frieda P]

Ha you didn't have to answer it Benji, it's all in there ;-)

[kublakhan27]

Haha you're growing increasingly familiar with Benji-speak :D

[Frieda P]

Haha I know, it's worrisome ;-P

[kublakhan27]

Haha I thought that would be a relief of sorts ;P

[Frieda P]

I remember when I first started reading you and I had no clue ftw you were talking about but it was fascinating, I think I've fallen through the rabbit hole now lol ;-P

[kublakhan27]

LOL The rabbit hole, I like that ;) We're all mad here? ;P

[Frieda P]

Hahaha, I know, I think they spike our drinks ;-)

[kublakhan27]

Haha I think I spike myself sometimes ;P

[Frieda P]

Ha yeah that too... ;-)

[kublakhan27]

;)