My Secret

There is a lot of things that I keep secret from other people. One of those secrets is the eating disorder I used to have and just have different versions of it now. I never really thought there would be a day I would be writing this talking about my deepest darkest secrets like the eating disorder.

 

I guess I am one of the lucky ones who never really needed to be hospitilized for having an ED or eating disorder but rather for other things like cutting but I know if I kept going the way I was I would have ended up in the hospital for just that an eating disorder.

 

It started at a young age like most but I don't know if it was severe really enough to start a book about or anything like that. At one point I was down to weighing 90 pounds . I thought awesome no more three digit weight number but that didn't last long. It lasted a year and I was back into the 100's and gaining quick. How the hell was I gaining weight when I wasn't eating I thought. It just wasn't possible in my mind but I kept getting heavier and hearvier.

 

Right now I'm about 170 pounds and I hate it. I hate being so heavy and fat. I wanna go back to not eating right now! I really do but I don't know how its going to happen. I don't wanna be so heavy. It makes me feel ugly. I wanna be back down to the 90 pounds.

 

Diet?

 

I hate  food is the problem.. I'm a comfort eater as well as being aneroxic and a recovering self harmer.