Lies and truths

All you see is what I want,

you don't see the truth.

You don't see the pain,

you see the outside,

the thoughts running through my head,

would probably scare most.

I always have a plan,

just when I do it is,

the decesion left to make.

You see an almost normal person,

but what is normal really?

I know I'm not,

you see the smile,

the laughter.

But the story of me,

is something completley different.

You don't see the pain internalized,

the scars running down my arms.

The blade I wish to go deep enough,

that it will just end everything.

That thought is so strong.

But there are easier ways to go.

You don't see it in me,

because its easier to say a lie,

than tell a truth.

Often times the truth hurts more,

than the person wishes.

So why cause that hurt,

when a lie is so much safer,

It causes so much less pain.

But my death is wanted,

more than my life.

People care I know,

but the voices convince me,

everyone is just lying to my face.

Nobody really cares,

even a friend of 5 yrs,

eventually gives up on me getting better.

Like my relapse is all I want.

I feel empty of emotion,

I wish to feel something,

even if seeing the blood down my arm,

is what is needed to feel even a bit.

But nobody would need to know?

I can laugh like a person,

who just is happy,

but what is that in my life?

There's not much happiness left,

I don't feel much anymore.

I'm not the soldier I once was.

Feeling so numb,

so empty.

I hear you screaming,

but it seems miles away.

"COME BACK" you say,

but is it what you really want?

Or you just want me to go to the after world?