Sweet and Secluded

Complicated love.

Sitting in a dark world...

Secluded and sweet

With a breeze at my feet

 

I rest and look at the moon...

Bright white it shines

Lost in innocent eyes

 

It's just a simple expression...

No complication,

Fearing hesitation

 

With constant battle...

Of love and hate

I begin to debate

 

The murder in your smile...

It's so sweet and secluded

Like the heart you've been losing

 

Night has fallen...

And under my tree of subtleness

You wipe away the loneliness

Reviews

[melissa]

nice flow and rhyme i liked it!

[Constance-Outspoken]

You flow and rhyme quite effortlessly, which is refreshing to see here at the cafe. I like your tree of subtleness... I could feel this poem, like a whisper at the nape of the neck.
The only stanza I don't like here is:
"With constant battle...

Of love and hate

I begin to debate"
It seems to not fit within the piece as a whole, to be less natural. It has rhythm, but seems to be discordant with the rest. It also lacks the emotive and original quality of the other stanzas.
Overall, a wonderful little piece. I enjoyed it very much.

[Millionth Muse]

"The murder in your smile"--I love this line, it reminds me of melancholy and haunting music.

The only thing I'm not sure about in this piece is the repetition of the use of elipses. I'm a big fan of this punctuation form, but it almost gets a little tedious in this piece, for some reason. Overall, though, I am enchanged by your phrasing. Lovely.