Lumber-sexuals, what will they think of next?

I just couldn't help poking a little fun at popular sub-cultures, and where will they lead us to next.

Bohemians, Greasers, Hippies, Glam-Rockers, Goths and thug-gangsters, just to name a few popular youth sub-cultures that have emerged, taking the western world by storm throughout the past century. Though not necessarily associated with ones profession, there are many that have shaped a lucrative lifestyle from their image.

Travelling back eighteen years to a toasty December evening, culminating the end of a pre-pubescent era for one-hundred and fifty of my closest friends and piers as we took place centre stage, our spirits high and damn well ready to say our final farewell to seven grawlling years of primary education.

Hours earlier, each student was instructed to write down three occupations that we, at that time, had hoped to attain come adulthood.
This was then in turn read aloud as we received our graduation certificate and a barrage of hearty hand shakes.
To share with you the aspiring dreams of a twelve year old, middle-class white boy; my three read, in no particular order - Architect, F18 Fighter pilot and for reasons unbeknownst to me ....a lawyer ?!

One-hundred and fifty students graduated that day, every single one of them had their three read aloud, revealing a truly concerning anomaly. Astonishingly, fifty percent of Aussie youngsters yearned to pursue a future in the legal profession.
Followed by a less shocking, far more anticipated string of fashion designers, firemen, professional cricketers, pilots, and marine biologists.

Potentially, that could have been four-hundred and fifty different professions, though we would have been lucky to have covered a quarter of that; Arriving at my point. Not one out of one-hundred and fifty students standing up on that stage possessed any margin of desire to whittle themselves into a wilderness-hardened Pine toppling master, hell bent on dismembering boundless amounts of native flora.
Had we gone wrong somewhere ?!
Jump forward a decade and it's almost a first world epidemic to sport a well groomed beard, wax tweaked moustache, selvedge denim and plaid flannel.

On the sixteenth of July 1969, one small step for man became one giant fanciful trend for just about every man, woman and child that had ever cast their eyes over the vast nebulas of the night sky.
For the first time ever, just about everyone wanted to be a space man. Everyone dressed like Astronauts. Everyone walked and talked like astronauts, but unless you were in the .0000034% of the human populous that was in fact some sort of rocketeering space explorationist, you weren't.

Like the strenuous astro-physics associated with sending a chimpanzee into orbit, there is an equal amount of complexity that comes with some humanoids. An overwhelming urge to paddle out of the mainstream in search for calmer waters. A deepening lust for something more than the constant flapdoodle of the Kardashians, hover boards, or funny cat memes.
For some, when they close their eyes at night, they don't simply drift off. They journey; Rolling up their sleeves and frolicking through the very fabric of consciousness, armed only with an axe, and a burning desire to level some big-a*s redwoods.

You know who you are...

One day your a spaceman, the next your a lumberjack choofing down your favourite Camel tobacco out of a knock-off L.L Bean handcarved wooden pipe punctually purchased from Etsy days earlier.
So how is it that Lumber-sexualism has managed to cast such an intrepid spell over western society?
What started as a hand full of Norwegian university students posting photos of their handcrafted pallet furniture on social media has now massed into a mutating, trans-Atlantic melting pot of styles, tastes and behaviour.

What the heck is a lumber-sexual you ask ?

People have been cutting down trees for thousands of years, though, it wasn't until the early 19th century these exclusive, migratory mountaineers were entitled Lumberjacks. Sadly, with an unformidable demand for timber and a need for craftier technology; Whistle punks, chasers and high climbers ultimately became obsolete roles as the machines surpassed human ability.
Then in the 21st century something astounding happened. People decided turf their soy-lattes, rigorous skincare routines and GQ wardrobes to reclaim their masculinity.
Part time Barista, full time lumberjack; Now, for the first time in primordial history, you to could become one from the comfort of your own home.
No axes. No saws. No three easy payments. Just a rich organic diet to offset your modish tobacco habit, the latest L.L Bean signature catalogue and a deep desire to one day make your own furniture.
Hey presto.... Lumber-sexual.

Or perhaps not; hankering for a less timber orientated image?
Well then, rest assured knowing that Lumber-sexualism has got you covered.
Rat catchers, milkmen, chimney sweeps, switchboard operators, even paddle steamer captains are all wayward occupations of yesteryear where one can still sport a well-groomed beard, wax-tweaked moustache and Sherlock Homes tobacco pipe.

Yep, Trends do come and go; but what of this paleo and craft beer fuelled social entity? What could possibly be un-admittedly cool enough to convince everyone to ditch the beards, leather satchels and vintage thrift shop threads?
Could spacemen do it again? Or perhaps we'll take it back even further into our ancestral past, choosing to bedizen ourselves like the spice traders that once ferried highly prized aromatic condiments from turkey to china.
Lets us not rule out the possibility for other prominent historical races; Cannibal Pygmies, west-inidian pirates, colonial agriculturalists, marauding mongol nomads or even wizards.

....So many possibilities.

At the very lease I'd like to think that this flapdoodle might evoke some ideas, maybe even spark a new movement or two?
Perhaps there's a disenchanted faction of lumber-sexuals' somewhere out there that can finally sense an inevitable change rustling through the leaves.
Never the less, until such times, I suggest that we all take a minute to kick back, pack up a pipe, bask in the abundance of pallet furniture and toast ....to the lumberjacks.

Reviews

[charlie]

A little hipster in itself, this article is still well written, entertaining, and with a good set of chops.
Much enjoyed.