He didn't bother trying for her, For he did not expect her to love him as
such.
When she told him, He fell for it,and he fell hard. Heart
beat faster, Mind stumbled like a pack of cards.
She said she loved
him, He mattered to her most, White lies is all she ever told, White
lies that left him cold.
"I never loved you", she blurts, She has no
idea how much it hurts, She says she wants to be friends, For this has
been the new trend- Befriend someone whose broken heart you can't mend.
White lies is all she ever told, White lies he believed. White
lies is all she ever told, White lies that left him cold.
Strong message here. Would be interesting for you to explore the phrase itself, 'white lie', keeping in mind blackness/emptiness etc. As it stands though, I love how lines from midway in the poem are repeated in your final stanza. It adds a real weight and significance to them. Great stuff, keep it up!
White lies or dark lies. Leave us with sadness, the same. Nice flow of thoughts led to a very good ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote
You manage to convey a story here together with some of the emotions. Tom has made a good suggestion to enable you to draw more upon expanding the feeling and emotion of what a 'white lie' means.
The final stanza tips into 'song lyrics' so be careful of this. Whereas lyrics are poetic most are not poetry.
For Your second poem it is very hopeful, Enjoy writing and never write to write, write to express. Write to enjoy.
Okay, I take that back.
Yeah but I couldn't think of a better way of summing up the poem usi.. read moreOkay, I take that back.
Yeah but I couldn't think of a better way of summing up the poem using minimum words.
Thanks for taking the time to read it.
9 Years Ago
takes practice
9 Years Ago
yep only my second poem, hope to improve it with time .
Raw and personal emotions, tinged with power. Many could relate. The last stanza is just a tiny bit repetitive in today's climate of Politically Correctness. Keep the rhythm, but intersperse the phrasing.
Other than that, a very good read on my part.
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Ahh I aimed to stress upon the subject of the poem through the last verse to create a lasting effect.. read moreAhh I aimed to stress upon the subject of the poem through the last verse to create a lasting effect in the mind of the reader. Probably got a bit too repetitive I guess.
Thank you :)
Strong message here. Would be interesting for you to explore the phrase itself, 'white lie', keeping in mind blackness/emptiness etc. As it stands though, I love how lines from midway in the poem are repeated in your final stanza. It adds a real weight and significance to them. Great stuff, keep it up!