I Be Me

Which mask will I wear today?

Who are you?

A creature small in stature, orange, and wearing big spectacles that magnify her eyes just as much as it magnifies the world for her to see rests ahead of me. Her voice is matter of fact but sincere and motherly. She turns about and starts to walk, the place packed with a variety of characters, when things go black. Rachel shudders feeling a chill run down her spine.

Pick a side.

It’s just a phase.

How can I know I can trust you?

He told Rachel he was ok with what she told him, but remarked that he wished she had told him sooner. Thinking back, she contemplated how much sooner did he mean? Like the first date? They really didn’t know each other at all other than what was said in messages passed back and forth during the two days prior to their first in person meeting… date thing… whatever. Flash forward exactly three months after that first night, he dumps her. He had the audacity to pretend that things were okay up until he did the deed. Rachel had picked him up from his house; they got lunch together and Rachel had even offered to pay for the food. She clearly did not see what was coming. After finishing their meals was when he bumbled out the words saying it was over. It was six weeks after they had made it “official”. It seemed like a hasty and half-hearted attempt to break things off; in a follow up conversation with him she learned it came down to his inability to trust her because of who she was. He kept giving the metaphor of how if a completely straight girl was hanging out with a bunch of her guy friends, he would be concerned or afraid she might start falling for one of them. He continued on to say that after what Rachel told him, not only was he concerned with her guy friends but he became uneasy about her girl friends too. That hurt. Black.

Dah duh duh dun! Dah duh duh dun! Dah duh… Rachel woke to the Parks and Recreation theme song happily chiming away. She reached for her nightstand to get her phone in order to swipe the alarm off or at least manage a tap for snooze. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, lifted off her covers, and swung her legs off the bed and onto the floor mumbling to herself. Or maybe she was grumbling? Hard to tell. Regardless, she set about to get ready for the work day. It had been a week since she saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens and three weeks since the breakup. She thought she was fine since she saw the movie with her ex. And in many ways she was. However thoughts still lingered about how things were and how things ended and things she’s felt conflicted with for a number of years. As a young bisexual woman brought up by somewhat socially conservative parents, Rachel struggled for a number of years with her identity, with figuring out who she was. For a number of years she suppressed the subject of whom she might, and could, fancy interest in only for it to resurface periodically through those god awful awkward teenage years. In combination with general teen angst, there was little that was pleasant. Over the years Rachel taught, though arguably convinced, herself to accept that she didn’t have to follow any prescribed social scripts; she didn’t have to put on a façade. Rachel made progress. Being dumped though tested its continuity.

Washing her face Rachel recalled that sucker punch feeling when he told her that he couldn’t trust her with any of her friends because she was bi. What if she became attracted to one of them? He implied what Rachel has termed the lack of any “safety net”. That’s why he didn’t think she was “the one”. His words not hers; they still made her blood boil. Turning off the faucet, Rachel took a deep sigh and dried her face, burying it in a small magenta and navy blue towel. What was she supposed to do? In the days following that conversation, the thought repeatedly crossed Rachel’s mind of  “playing it straight”. What if she just slinked back into denial about who she was, put on her straight girl face, and acted how society dictated she should act? That would be easier, right? Other times, Rachel vehemently told herself that there was nothing wrong with herself. Today she was in the mindset of the latter rather than the former. Replacing the towel over the bar, Rachel continued with her morning routine.

As much as it would be fantastic to report that Rachel definitely asserts who she is as a person and rides off into the sunset (well more drives off into the sunrise as she tackles that work grind) a strong independent woman, that is not the case. Rachel’s learned after much reflection on that short tryst and the actions leading to its abrupt end that there was nothing she could have done. She gave that relationship the full effort and attention it merited; in the end, he didn’t. She has constructed a whole narrative explanation for the questions she still has but can’t ask him as a means to cope. She’s told herself that her ex has things he needs to work out by himself as a result of how things ended with the girl he dated previously as well as the repressed enmity he has for his dad cheating on his mom. Rachel doesn’t know whether or not she will settle for living a half-truth, or if she will stay rooted in her acceptance of herself as a young bisexual woman.

Rachel pulls the door closed and locks up behind her before making her way to her car. She thinks to herself that this is some heavy stuff to think about this early in the morning. Then she thinks who knows what the work day will bring with all the samples that still need to be tested. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. She randomly recalls the exchange between Maz Kanata and Rey in Star Wars: The Force Awakens:

Maz asks, “Who are you?”

Rey responds, “I’m no one.”

Rachel mutters lowly, “For now.”

Author's Note

Response to the prompt- a story about rising to a challenge

Reviews

[Alucard6336]

Interesting. And actually, fairly good. I'm actually impressed.

I went through some pages and glanced over a few things and I felt this deserved recognition.

Good job :)