Independence Day

A rewritten version. I think its sooo much better.

She watched as the small boy scrounged for food, and wondered how he came to be in a place like this. Dirty, with rags for clothes, and no shoes, he looked as if had not eaten for some time and had not been bathed in weeks.

This thought made Clara angry.

It was an age where someone would have the authorities called on them if they spoke to their children the wrong way, and no one had bothered to even notice this small child who desperately needed someone to care. The very idea made her sick.

Chihanna had told her that he would be at the orphanage, but he had apparently run away--for reasons unknown. Clara had been there looking for him, had even done her research and found he had been reported missing by the caretakers. Of course, the woman had been distraught, and Clara had felt compelled to use her ability to see if the woman had perhaps been abusive-- the woman was clean, as were the other workers. It remained a mystery why he had run away; all of the workers' memories had been kindhearted, even showing the boy having fun playing with them. 

So, Clara had contacted Chihanna, and together the two had pin-pointed his whereabouts. And here he was, surrounded by people enjoying their Independence Day celebrations in the southern part of the United States-- hours away from the orphanage where he should have been--and no one was even sparing him a glance.

"I will approach him, while you find a police officer," spoke Chihanna. "We will need to get through the system before we can take him back to the Mountain."

While Chihanna quietly walked towards the boy, exuding her calming aura, Clara went off in search of the authorities. 

"Hello, what is your name?" Chihanna asked of the boy. "My name is Chihanna."

The boy looked at her with cautious eyes, a look a child so young should not have a reason to look at anyone with, before silently taking a small step backwards. At this, Chihanna halted her advance, and silently crouched down to his eye level.

"Why are you by yourself, little one?" Chihanna spoke again. "Is anyone here watching you?" The child shook his head at this--he truly was by himself then, Chihanna thought.

Chihanna spotted a flower next to her. Picking it, she offered it to the child. "Do you like flowers?"

Finally gaining a small smile from the boy, he nodded his head and said, "I think they are pretty." He slowly walked forward until he was just a few feet away from Chihanna, and she reached out, never moving herself closer, offering the flower to him. However, just as he was about to reach out and take it, Clara returned with a police officer causing the boy to shirk away. 

Clara watched as Chihanna and the officer coaxed the boy into trusting them, studying the boy, whose name was found to be Derek. Once he was finally unafraid of them, Chihanna subtlety convinced the officer to let Clara and herself accompany them to the station.

While Clara was glad that they had found Derek, she couldn't help but be daunted by the fact that it was going to be a long, drawn-out process of getting through the bureaucratic phase in order to get Derek back to the mountain. It would probably take at least a year, possibly two, before they were given responsibility of Derek. It wasn't a question of if, Derek would be taken to the mountain; He was already exhibiting coercive abilities, that much Clara could tell. The trick would be to do it in a time frame that allowed them to have Derek under the Ninabi wing before the rest of the abilities manifested.  

Reviews

[Lady]

This is a great chapter. Very eye catching and exciting. I love the amount of creativity as well as originality you have shown here.

I have a few tips for you to make this piece all the better. First, towards the beginning, I believe you should better describe "Kelsey's" reasoning behind the mission to find this boy named "Derek". Maybe she hardly recognizes the old human world any longer, so make a point of that. Have her describe the strange things that are going on - it is the 4th of July - crazy things will be happening, especially on the streets.

As for the boy, rather than having him just give in, maybe have him run away from the girl in fear. Perhaps something terrible had happened in his past, or maybe he was even warned of someone coming for him.

Overall, I think you're moving just a bit too fast - you're creating an entirely new world for us, but it's already developing without any mystery or hidden excitement.

I hope that this helped. Good luck and keep writing!

Lady

[Livana Lowell]

I love where it's going, though at points I think I can forshadow, I really can't. I like being surprised and not knowing what's up the minute I read.

[..R.I.P..]

I like this chapter, it's very good.
Great write.
~PJ

[Marilu Elizabeth]