Crown of Broken Dreams

I used to prance around the house in pink satin ballet slippers dreaming about becoming Homecoming Queen. In countless daydreams I found myself arm and arm with the worlds most handsome guy, accepting the most sparkling crown, and offering an adoring crowd a gracious wave as they all cheered my name. It’s not really a conceited dream. I’m sure most little girls think about it at some point. Though, I admit, I did have more dreams about Homecoming than I ever did of my own wedding. God, that truly sounds pathetic on paper…Pathetic, but true.

If I could only help you understand. For me, the honor of being crowned Homecoming Queen was so much more than accepting some superficial crown that would tarnish in a drawn and ultimately be completely forgotten in twenty years. No. For me, it meant that people really liked me, not the money I used to have. They would see deep down, under all the drama that I was a good person. How I truly cared for others and always went above and beyond. I was the kind of girl who always said “Hello” to everyone, extending extra effort to make sure no one was excluded. I even considered the kids that no socially conscious teen would talk to, because they were considered social leapers, my friends. Why wouldn’t people like me?

When I woke up the morning of Homecoming, thanks to what amounted to years of daydreaming, I could practically taste victory. Ridding the high of my life time I never expected to be choked by anxiety. Starring at my reflection in the mirror I realized there was one thing I wanted more than that crown.

It was a common occurrence for me to correlate disappointment with my father. Despite the hurt that inspired I still wanted him to participate in my life. Sitting in the living room, on the couch across from his Lazy Boy, I swallowed my fears and let hope fill my thoughts. Knowing the outcome before it unfolded I still asked him to come to the ceremony.

I should have known better than to have faith in a man that had lost faith in himself. I was wrong to think he couldn’t hurt me if I already knew the answer. He looked me in the eyes, and with slurred words and foul breath he barked, “No. I don’t want to see the look of disappointment on your face when you don’t get crowned.”

It was as if he had a magic mirror that allowed him to see directly into my soul and pluck out the precise words that would do the most damage. I wanted to cry. But I refused to let him see how deep he’d wounded me. Turning on my heals and finding an inner gumption that I was unaware I possessed I retorted, “It’s your loss.” Bristling with a new found strength and courage of conviction I stormed out of the house leaving him to absentmindedly romance the bottle glued to his hand.

That was not how I envisioned starting what was supposed to be the most important day of my life. In our hayseed of a town, Homecoming was the biggest event of the year, next to Fourth of July. The entire day was one giant celebration. As I entered the stadium to kick off festivities I did not feel like celebrating. My stomach felt like it was being attacked by piranhas from the inside out. And my heart felt like it had been frozen in ice.

But life goes on. By the end of the first quarter all the senior athletes lined up to be called forward for recognition. We were proudly placed on display for every one to see. Each athlete was escorted onto the football field by their parents and were presented with a token of appreciation for their achievements.

I would be the only one without an escort and everyone would know it was because my Dad was too drunk to care. Though his problem was no secret I was still ashamed. Bracing for the inevitable I told myself, I may be going out there parent-less but I’ll still hold my head high. After all, I had my pride to maintain and I had done nothing wrong.

Just as I was taking a sharp inhalation in preparation to walk the plank, a soft hand landed on my shoulder. I looked over to see the dark brown eyes of my best friends mother peering into my face with kindness. She squeezed my shoulder gently and said, “Tonight, you’re my daughter.” She’d known me my whole life. In that moment words were beyond measure. She pulled me into a hug, one of the few that I would allow, and I felt a longing for the mother I never really knew. I was so deeply touched by her act of compassion that I didn’t know what to say.

Though senior recognition is huge. Everyone whose anyone knows half time is where it’s at. During half time I walked out in front of the whole town for a second time, this time as part of the Homecoming Court. With Adam as my escort I looked stunning. Though it was hard to tell if it was because I was standing next to him, or because of the dress I wore. I was never a girly girl, and shopping for that dress was terrifying. I was too large to fit into the kind of dresses that the other girls wore. The kind with skimpy straps and wispy fabric. Instead I found myself in the women’s section, face to face with dresses that were far too elegant for the level of confidence that I possessed. Requiring undergarments that had words like girdle and bust lifting in the title.

The dress I’d settled on though was fantastic. It was the color of the midnight sky, studded with sequins that glittered like stars. Its classic A-line cut accentuated my large chest and gave the illusion of a small waist. The layers of soft satin and flowing lace drifted in a circle around my legs and made me feel like I was a dazzling Christmas ornament. And when I moved the satin rubbed against my skin feeling sinful, elegant, and sensual all at the same time. To say I felt beautiful in that dress would be an understatement.

As I clutched Adams arm a smile adorned my face despite all the butterflies in my stomach. God I was nervous. In the far reaches of my mind I knew everyone would be judging me and I was afraid that their penetrating eyes would pull back the layers of pretty fabric and expose my darkest secrets.

Knowing me all to well Adam sensed my trepidation. Offering me a smile that could melt icebergs he leaned in close and whispered, “Nock ‘em dead Brooke.” He winked at me once and then with that flashy smile he caused not only the whole school to swoon but the whole town. I saw a flash of coldness and emptiness in his eyes, but I ignored it. I was too taken with his charm and I would have done anything for him. In all our time together it never occurred to me that maybe he was posing too.

He wasn’t surprised when they announced him Homecoming king, but he had the grace to act humble. My thoughts mimicking the crowds loud cheers I beamed at him and swelled with pride, despite a sense of the obvious. I mean, who else would Delta High choose to be their King? He was, after all, their God. The starring quarterback with promising full ride ahead of him.

After the raucous applause died down my moment of truth arrived. In an annoying peppy voice the announcer rattled off the candidates for Queen. Then with a giddy little blush she handed two envelopes to Adam. I was too nervous to feel jealous or to care that his hand lingered on hers a fraction of a second too long. The only thing I cared about was the fate written on those cards. Had my father been correct? Should I have just stayed home?

Turning back towards the crowd with his award winning smile, Adam opened the first envelope in his hand and read the name of the first runner up, “Tabitha Marlow!” While everyone in the stadium cheered my anxiety tripled. Tabitha was my best friend and had been the only girl I would have guessed to beat me out of that crown. Before I could catch my breath Adam ripped open the last envelope and spoke the words I had longed for since I could remember, “And this year’s Homecoming Queen is…Brooke Dutton!” The crowd erupted in a standing ovation. The noise was so loud I thought my ears would rupture. It felt like I was suspended under water unsure of which way was up. My dream had come true.

Adam saved me from drowning in disbelief; he took my hand and led me on stage placing a beautiful sparkling crown on my head. I could still hear so much joyful noise as I took my rightful place next to him. In that moment everything was as it should be.

A perfect fairy tale right? That’s what I thought too. And even now, looking back on it, that part of the night was pretty amazing. But the thing is, after the game, which we won, I ran home to grab some things for after the dance and I had to face reality.

Stepping into my house I found my Dad passed out the same Bourbon bottle clutched in his hand as when I’d left him hours ago. My rustling roused him long enough for him to see the crown perched on my head. I thought he would might be proud, say he was sorry. Instead he only grunted, took another swig of Bourbon, rolled over and passing out again. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, “See what you missed out on you drunken a*s! You are so selfish! If you can’t or won’t be a father than why on God’s green earth did you have kids?!” They were things I’d never say. Rage that seemed content to boil just under the surface. I’d accepted long ago that it wasn’t in my power to change him. And I knew that while anger may feel righteous, saying things in hate and anger only breeds more hate and anger.

God knows it’s never fair being robbed for your childhood. I was forced to be the parent when I needed a parent to protect me most. I was supposed to be a kid, God, I was just a kid. But demons don’t care, they just take and they’ll keep taking until there’s nothing left if you let them.

Brushing the hurt aside I covered my father with a blanket. Pulling the Bourbon bottle out of his limp hand I placed a glass of water and two Aspirin on the table next to him. Turning out the lights I looked at him one more time before grabbing my bag to go. As I shut the door behind me I whispered into the dark, “Love you Dad.”

Driving the familiar road to Tabitha’s house I tried to erase my anger. My dad wasn’t worth that much of my energy and yet I still took care of him because he was my dad. I couldn’t wait for the day when I could get away and have a life of my own. I’d be free from disappointment. Free to be my own person. Free to step out of the shadow of this grief that had set in when mom died.

When I got to Tabitha’s I was instantly energized. She knew me like a sister. As soon as I walked in the front door the first words out of her mouth were, “Forget him.”

I didn’t even have to tell her what happened. She just knew. We freshened up our hair and makeup so that we’d look lovely do our dinner dates and the dance. Two girls laughing and gabbing without a care in the world. Tab never failed me, like time she was constantly there. She could be depended on to always tell the truth. I noticed her sideways glances while I sprayed my hair into place. The way she bit her lip gave hint that something was on her mind. When we were ready to leave she hesitated before nearly whispering, “I think you need to know something.” She looked me square in the eyes and the words spilled out like a waterfall, “Brooke, I saw Adam with Audra. I wasn’t supposed to see them. No one was. I’m sorry. But I had to tell you. It’s not right and I thought you should know.”

I was used to her honesty, but this unexpected news stung me. I had a million questions dancing through my head but they all ended with the same answer: Adam was cheating on me. I was too stunned to do anything. My fairy tale was crumbling around me. She grabbed me and hugged me for a long time. When her face met mine she searched my eyes for a sign that I might say something. There would be a time for anger and tears later. Right now, it was time to do damage control and save face. I couldn’t help but think, is it possible that all the men in my life were a******s? Apparently, yes.

There was no time to chat about feelings as girls often do. The boys pulled up in front of the house in a stretch limo as if on cue. Tim was standing through the moon roof yelling for Tab like an idiot. His playfulness was the perfect distraction.

Supporting Tab’s claim was how aloof Adam was on the way to dinner. While Tab, Tim and I all joked, Adam barely looked at me, let alone touched me. Despite the energetic atmosphere my heart kept sinking lower and lower as I heard Tab’s words echo in my head, “I saw Adam with Audra.” Determined not to let my inner turmoil show I kept a smile plastered to my face.

After dinner Tab and I excused ourselves from the group to use the ladies room. Tab could tell that I was feeling a deep seated hurt that not much was going fix, except maybe kicking Audra’s skinny little a*s, but since that wasn’t going to happen any time soon she settled for keeping a close eye on me instead.

While we stood in the restroom fluffing our hair and reapplying lipstick who of all people happened to saunter in? Audra. As her size two waist breezed through the door our eyes locked in the mirror and fear instantly froze her in her tacks. Thoughts of what I could do to her raced through my head. It took less than two seconds, however, to figure out what I was going to.

Evading her fear by acting ignorant to her treachery I beckoned her to come in. At first she didn’t buy my ploy. But once I put on my megawatt smile she walked right into my trap. Slipping behind her I locked the bathroom door. Tabitha’s tension was visible. I had never been known for having a calm head in the face of adversity. I shared a look with Tabitha that I hoped would assure her I wasn’t thinking about doing anything stupid. Then I gave a quick glance around the room, under the stalls, looking for signs of other inhabitants. Sure that it was just the three of us I turned to Audra.

She was much skinner than I was (not a hard thing to be since I was not a skinny girl by any means), shorter than I was, and had I not hated her out of principal, because of what she had done to me, I would have admitted that she was far prettier than me with her long golden curls falling down her back. She carried herself with an elegance that surpassed most teenage girls. An elegance that if I had the color green in my blood, I would have wanted to emulate it, but there was no point, envy was for those who were too weak to be themselves.

The words flew from my mouth with the fury of an ice pick hacking through packed snow. “Look, I know that you have been with Adam.” Her legs were trembling; the skirt of her dress rustled as if there were a stiff wind in the room. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make me happy. Her eyes instantly leaked large drops of salt water that formed an unending stream like that of a dripping tap and she began to utter incomprehensible words.

It takes a lot to be the bigger person. Especially when you’re the one who has been scorned. But seeing her so fragile reminded me that anger didn’t own me. I wasn’t so naïve to forget that she had played a part in breaking my heart. But revenge is a dish best served cold. I swallowed my pride and took her hand in mine. With all the will I had left in my body I keep my voice steady so as not to give away my hand and said, “Stop.”

Confusion rolled through the room like a shock-wave. I don’t completely know where my motivations came from. I had to keep my emotions in check. It was in instinct, a reflex, a carnal reaction of survival, and it was the only thing that made any sense. Tabitha tells me to this day that she’s never been more proud of me for my honesty and strength. But it wasn’t strength that made me say or do what I did. It was love, its always been love. Love for a boy that would never love me back.

When I was sure I could spit the words out I looked Audra straight in the face and swallowed hard. “Audra, I don’t hate you. I don’t envy you either. You’ve obviously fallen for Adam’s charm like so many before you. I may be the one wearing the crown tonight and being shown around on his arm but, you are the one he is apparently chasing in the shadows to steal kisses when he thinks no one can see. But make no mistake, I see. He must be in love with you; otherwise he wouldn’t be snaking around behind my back to be with you.”

She tried to scoff but I pressed on before she could say a single word to deter me. “I know he doesn’t love me. You see, it’s a political match between me and Adam. One we created so that we could maintain our social status. We use each other to get ahead. But you’re a bright one, I am sure you’ve already figured that out. If you were to try and go public with your little fling it would ruin him. He would lose everything that he has worked for, his scholarship, his social standing, and not that you care, but I would lose everything too.

“All I ask, girl to girl, is that until school ends in June, is that you keep your little tryst under wraps. After that you can have him. But Audra, make no mistake, no one can know that we had this conversation, and more importantly, no one can know about the two of you. If either slips out, you won’t want to cross my path any time soon. Have I made myself clear?”

For a few seconds it was so quite I could hear my heart beating in my chest. It was beating so fiercely it sounded as if a caged beast was trying to escape. I prayed no one else could hear how loud it was. After what felt like eons comprehension finally dawned on Audra’s face. Thankfully she wasn’t crying any more. But the wheels were obviously turning in her head. She looked at me curiously and asked, “So I can be with him and you don’t care?”

Of course that would be the first question out of the dimwits mouth; yet another reason why I would never envy her. Quickly correcting her I scathed, “I never said I don’t care. I said, ‘He doesn’t love me’. So either you agree to keep this under wraps, or I make your life a living hell. We both know I’m capable of that. Trust me Audra, I am force of will you do not want to reckon with. I’d outsmart and outwit you every time. So, what’s it gonna be?” With determination I fixed her with a stare so cold it was worthy of the title Snow Queen.

Behind her newfound show of fear there was a fraction of a second where I could see her consider playing me at my own game, but the look on my face and the face of Tabitha must have convinced her otherwise. She carefully wiped the tears from her eyes and took a deep shuddering breath. Looking me square in the face she took my extended hand and said, “It’s a deal.”

I unlocked the door as soon as Audra dropped my hand. Tab hardly waited until the evil little princess cleared the door frame before she pounced on me. “What the hell was that?”

I mulled over how best to explain what was going through my head before I opened my mouth. “Look, you of all people know that I have worked too hard to secure the life I’ve created with Adam. Without my Dad’s money, the only thing that has kept me popular is being Adam’s girl. It’s not that I’m a bad person; we both know I’m not. I just know my place. I can’t jeopardize that, even if it is fake, this close to graduation. There will be plenty of time for me to be at the bottom of the rat pack outside these prison walls. But right now, I need to maintain everything I have in order to maintain my sanity. I can’t lose anything else. I’ve already lost enough. Don’t you think I have enough bullshit going on without adding this to the mix? So, for now, I’ll play Adam’s game.”

Clutching the sink I looked in the mirror. This was supposed to be a night of happiness. Not a night a pain. Straightening my spine my crown I turned to Tab. “But, come graduation, all bets are off. Come graduation, I’m outta here. It’s time for me to leave this small world behind. It’s time for me to leave him behind.”

It was unclear who I was talking about. But it didn’t matter. What was clear was that I desperately needed a new start.

“Brooke, you are out of your mind! But I love you, and I will always be here for you. Whatever you need, I’m always a phone call away.”

When Tab spoke those words they resonated bone deep as true. I was out of my mind. But I had a friend that would be there for me, no matter what.

When we finally returned to the dinning room the bill had paid and our dates were no where to be found. As girls of modern tradition it had not been our intention for them to pay for dinner but we were delighted they had. Some traditions should be maintained. The man paying for dinner on occasion should definitely be one of them.

As we stepped out into the night, cool air rushed past me, and I damn near began to cry. The severity of what I had just done sunk in to my heart like a serrated knife. I had just condoned another woman to have an affair with my boyfriend. I truly was mad.

When I was a child I had watched my mother allow the man she loved to cheat on her. She begged, pleaded, and at a loss for options it kill her. Not a swift merciful death, but a slow, heart breaking death. She let herself go, slowly drinking her way to the bottom of the bottle and eventually drowning in her sorrows. I stood by her grave side while my father sought comfort in the arms of another woman. And I sworn to myself at her funeral that I would never be like that.

Suddenly I felt an overwhelming desire to throw up. I grabbed the railing to steady myself and took deep breaths to try and calm the anxiety that was swelling inside of me. Tab rushed to my side and did all she could to comfort me. But for now, nothing would heal this hurt; it just had to be felt. I took in deeper, slower breaths trying to inflate my soul as much as possible before I went and looked into the face of the fate I had just sealed.

I could see Tabitha’s concern. It was etched in the creases of her eyes. But I had nothing to say. I didn’t know what I could say. I felt lower than I had in a long time. First my Dad, then Adam; it felt like the punches just kept coming. But now was not the time to break down. I had to be strong.

Pulling myself together the way only a survivor can I banished all the negativity from my thoughts. When Tab seemed mollified we walked to the limo in silence. Once the boys came into sight I plastered a fake smile on my face silently vowing that Adam would never know what I had done.

The rest of that night is somewhat of a blur. Dancing, laughing, everyone smiling. I still have a picture of Adam and I in a heart shaped locket. To the casual observer the picture is perfect. We look beautiful. King and queen forever captured in a still life photo that sits on his mother’s mantel, and symbolically in my heart, not to mention the yearbook.

Audra held true to her word. We finished the school year with things the way they were supposed to be. Me always by his side forever shining in front of everyone, her always lurking in the shadows wishing she was me. I have great respect for her. Not many teenage girls would have done that. But she, like me, loved him.

Author's Note

reviews are welcome.