Dream India

A Poem by Riddhi

This poem i wrote for my dearest motherland. This is my dream about how my nation should be.......

What dreams were seen

By freedom fighters for our nation?

All of us know although

They are nowhere mentioned.

Some of them were of a corruption-free

And an Independent nation,

But do you think with present India

They have any relation?

Britishers have definitely gone,

But because of corrupt politicians

We are still to mourn.

Why only the government is put to blame?

We are also having our share in it the same.

Have not we somewhere

Forgotten our duty as citizens?

To be loyal and never give any bribe

Or take any bribe.

Come on, let us take an oath

To follow our duty as a citizen,

Then only we can make

Dream India as our nation.................

© 2015 Riddhi

Author's Note

This is my dream , a 15-yr-old girl's dream , about how my country should be. I am sure that if we all follow our every duty as citizen as described in the poem above the definitely dream India can become each one's nation.

My Review

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Reviews

Gaurav

I think Nigel Newman has written beautiful review on behalf of all WC writers. Really interesting insight. Your poem is a reminder to all the youths of this country to gear up and lose laziness in pursuit of greatness. This greatness will lead India to new dimension - an era of reforms that we have been looking for since Independence. I think your speech and countrymen's intentions make India great once more (after Vedic era). Thanks for sharing.

Posted 8 Years Ago

8 Years Ago

Thanks for reviewing

Nigel Newman

Riddhi I found this very refreshing. It might surprise you that I found myself comparing it to Marc Anthony's famous 'Friends, Romans, Countrymen ...' speech. Both are a call to action. But Shakespeare was writing of a cynical manipulative politician, while you speak from a pure heart with no guile and no irony.

I'll happily call it a poem but actually to me it's a speech from a soap-box or lectern.

I think you have an opportunity to 'milk' the opening rhetorical question a bit more. You could easily have three or even four rhetorical questions rather than just the one. This might dramatically build up even more the vision of the brave new world for which they fought.

I think you have a similar opportunity around the 'Have we not forgotten our duty ...' part. Again, you could add accompanying lines in the same vein and spirit, thus building up even more the collective guilt, sadness and shame that you presumably seek to instil into the reader.

I'm not sure about why you need 'bribe' twice. I can't detect a meter that stays through the whole poem so I don't see any reason for it rhythmically. I suppose you might argue that it increases the emphasis by repeating it. But to me it was a bit clunky - why not 'neither give nor take any bribe'. Thinking about this a little more, I can imagine that there are famous instances of bribes that have made the national news and led to public officials, politicians and businessmen being pilloried. So i wonder if 'bribe' is enough. Could you spell out or refer to some examples of the consequences this practice has led to, e.g. inappropriate drugs purchased, building safety compromised, etc etc. This might only need a few words but they might increase the impact beyond the use of a generic word like 'bribe'.

I think it might be more powerful to 'swear' an oath.

Final suggestion is to have 'citizens' rather than 'a citizen' at the end. Around that part you refer to 'us' and 'we' so it would better fit with the words around it. Even better might be to remove the 'as citizens' part altogether because it's already there only a few lines earlier.

Hope this helps
Nigel

Posted 8 Years Ago

I'll happily call it a poem but actually to me it's a speech from a soap-box or lectern.

I think you have an opportunity to 'milk' the opening rhetorical question a bit more. You could easily have three or even four rhetorical questions rather than just the one.  This might dramatically build up even more the vision of the brave new world for which they fought.

I think you have a similar opportunity around the 'Have we not forgotten our duty ...' part. Again, you could add accompanying lines in the same vein and spirit, thus building up even more the collective guilt, sadness and shame that you presumably seek to instil into the reader.

I'm not sure about why you need 'bribe' twice.  I can't detect a meter that stays through the whole poem so I don't see any reason for it rhythmically. I suppose you might argue that it increases the emphasis by repeating it. But to me it was a bit clunky - why not 'neither give nor take any bribe'.  Thinking about this a little more, I can imagine that there are famous instances of bribes that have made the national news and led to public officials, politicians and businessmen being pilloried. So i wonder if 'bribe' is enough. Could you spell out or refer to some examples of the consequences this practice has led to, e.g. inappropriate drugs purchased, building safety compromised, etc etc. This might only need a few words but they might increase the impact beyond the use of a generic word like 'bribe'.

I think it might be more powerful to 'swear' an oath.

Final suggestion is to have 'citizens' rather than 'a citizen' at the end.  Around that part you refer to 'us' and 'we' so it would better fit with the words around it.  Even better might be to remove the 'as citizens' part altogether because it's already there only a few lines earlier.

Hope this helps
Nigel

Rating /100

Senn	Nice poem.....good to know young india really feels about making our country how it deserves to be Posted 8 Years Ago Nice poem.....good to know young india really feels about making our country how it deserves to be Rating /100