Rose

Lo and behold! She was as lovely as her name. That lady with those fine lips and luscious hips and grace upon her fingertips as she twirled in merry merriment and forever danced and swayed her body and head so beautifully. Rose; her lips the same deep red color, red like the blood upon her brow, dripping off her temples like perspiration. The fury in her eyes as her gaze fell on I, the ire hidden in her body like asbestos, the wrath in her voice as it rattled my eardrums, the choler in her mind awaited its signal to erupt... She was her own thorn and her own rose... She was a virago, a termagant, a harridan from the next world. Her unearthly ways were not hindered by this reality.

Yesterday night, I injected within her bloodstream a remedy of tranquility and humility to awaken our infinity of a love once lived before. Her rage, in ubiquity, ended last evening and we basked in that joy beneath her tender white sheets. Her voice was as sweet as the scent of the flower of her namesake, her voice was like music struck by my harp, a high squeal of its strings.

Her blood made a pool in the crease of her navel. Her blood filled her eye sockets and her agape mouth. Her blood bubbled joyfully, thickly, when she screamed. Her fingers curled with the pain, her belly jumped in terror with every stab of my needle. Oh! I was addicted to this remedy of delight that casted stars in my sight that assured me Rose's ire could never win the perpetual fight of her night and my light... Her whole body was engorged with this remedy which I loved, which Rose loved. I spread those rose petals around her swollen body and, oh merry day, was it a wondrous sight...

To see my Rose once more, upon the sandy shore, being whisked away by the waves that freely swayed before. To see those petals that adorned the beach and her body, the golden Sun that casted its scorching rays on Rose's hands that stretched in silent reach, grasping and latching onto nothing. The silence in her eyes, the red lips that once spoke, the once frivolous mind that has broke. Her once cavorting body that now sinks heavy to the bottom of an endless beach. Her whole being, swollen with a remedy that instead broke her and damaged her... Rose, my past lover, will never see the roseate glow of the dawn again.

But the ocean is blue and so is the sky, so when she opens her eye and peers up before she is to die, she will fly so spry amid that watery sky. And then there is I, standing on the shore, looking at the real sky and nothing more, asking myself why life is such a bore without my bloom, my beautiful Rose...?

Reviews

[NicholeHemstock]

I really love this. Your word usage and verb-age was amazing. I love the concept, I love the old-english style flow and vocabulary. I'm just really in love with this piece. 10/10 loved it. Keep writing, keep working on your gift because you've really got something amazing here.

[Kringefest]

Thank you so much! c: I appreciate it.

[Kayja Symphious]

What can I say... some people really enjoy their work. :P

Great write Kringefest.

[Kringefest]

:P Thank you.

[S. D. Forogar]

Very impressive work here! This piece has the FEEL of poetry, but a nice prose aspect to it that makes it easier to judge than the ever-interpretive poems I sometimes face. As usual, though, my Good and my Bad!

The GOOD: Most definitely, the imagery present is this piece's truest sense of goodness. It ties together a perfect blend of detail and power, quickly capturing the attention of an audience for its short length. I'm not one frequent to read something of this caliber, and the multitudinous displays of the author's vocabulary were worth reading this piece alone!

As well, I give credit to the personality brought through with the (psychopath?) narrator's writing ('Lo and behold!' 'Oh! I was addicted to this remedy of delight. . . . ').

The BAD: There are a couple of major elements I found I did not like, as well as a few nit-picks that I'll get into following.

First, the Flow. To me, it just seemed off, as if one event was being contrasted with a differing one hours or even days along the way. In the first paragraph, it can be assumed that Rose is in some form of dance hall, confronting the narrator with a disdain. The next scene has us at the narrator's "lust" the 'night of yesterday,' and then the murder on that very evening, and then our discovery of Rose's last moments on a beach in (the dead of?) night, and then the slight soliloquy by the narrator (in the morn? I can't be too sure, as most would not consider a night sky to be blue). These events have simply passed too quickly, without any indication in the beginning that this is a reminiscence over a story being told. Despite that, the level of confusion regarding the passage of time (and, even, the true time of the reminiscence) really hindered the story's ability to flow well, which did distract quite a bit.

This leads right into my next point, about the flow of time. During the 'night of yesterday' scene, there is no indication present that this is actually a "distant past" scene at all. For example:

'On the night of yesterday, I injected within her bloodstream a remedy of tranquility and humility to awaken our infinity of a love once lived before. Her rage, in ubiquity, ended on the night of yesterday and we basked in that joy beneath her tender white sheets... Her voice was as sweet as the scent of the flower of which is her name, her voice was like music struck by my harp, a high squeal of its strings...'

TO:

'On the night of yesterday, (I'd) injected within her bloodstream a remedy of tranquility and humility to awaken our infinity of a love once lived before. Her rage, in ubiquity, (had) ended on the night of yesterday and (we'd) basked in that joy beneath her tender white sheets... Her voice(, that night, had been) sweet as the scent of the flower of which is her name, her voice (OMIT 'was') like music struck by my harp, a high squeal of its strings...'

In the above revision, the past is clearly laid out with the "had" articles in place. 'I'd injected,' or rather, 'I had injected,' indicates that the action had already taken place prior to the events of the present or "recent past." Simply using "recent past" tense (i.e. "she said," as opposed to "she had said") implies that the story is progressive rather than evocative of something, which is the root of a lot of my "Flow confusion" above.

Now, on to my nit-picks. DISCLAIMER: If someone in the audience has issue with me nit-picking a story, please hate me and move on. These are simply "food-for-thought" notes for the author her- / himself.

The '...' ellipses are my first. I've never really been a fan of these, and found how very dangerous they can become when overused. I'd recommend getting rid of them entirely, but that would be selfish; moreover, if I were the author, I might simply tone them down, so that when present they leave a greater impact and aren't just the "go-to" for any suspenseful scene or transition of events, as they appear in this story.

'But the ocean is blue and so is the sky. So when she opens her eye and peers up before she is to die, she will fly so spry amid that (oceanic high). And then there is I, standing on the shore, looking at the real sky and nothing more, asking myself why life is such a bore without my bloom... My beautiful Rose...?'

Therein is my second. Rhyming a word with itself in sequence is bland, and considering that 'sky' appeared thrice in this paragraph with the intention of continuing the rhyme scheme, I figure it ought to be dealt with. As well, the equating of the water to the sky was done frequently also, and a new word needed to take the place of 'water.'

I've taken to looking through the other reviews on this story, and aside from ignoring those that simply say they love everything, I came to see one by 'Emily' that I saw as having presented a valid, useful criticism. Yet, I respectfully disagree with one of the things she / he said. It is my opinion that you should NOT tone down your vocabulary to appeal to those who don't know the meanings to certain words. The issues with that are two-fold: first, it cripples the vividity of this piece, which I personally adore, and second, it prevents others from learning what those words mean and expanding upon their own vocabularies. Honestly, even I was compelled to discover the meaning of the word 'termagant,' which actually made my day haha! I'm a simple creature; a new word is all it takes to make me happy.

And so, in conclusion, I find that I REALLY enjoyed this piece. I acknowledge the errors above, quite obviously, and would recommend their fixing, but honestly the layout of this story is not entirely unsuited for what it is at present.

[Emily]

Really great, but I have a few critiques to make. 1, I'd try to use one word most people would know when you described Rose in "She was a virago, a termagant, a harridan from the next world" Having to google 3 words in a row is annoying to readers. Also, There were a couple places when you should have been more concise, like "on the night of yesterday" or "scent of the flower of which is her name" Try "last night" and "the scent of her namesake". But, the similes were great and the mood was spot-on, so good job!

[Kringefest]

About that first critique, I understand people wouldn't know those words, and so I bid you my sincere apologies, but I honestly wasn't able to think of other words to really express how Rose was... (: Oh and yes, being concise is always the way to go, especially in writing. I'll take your word on that, certainly! Thank you for reading and reviewing, mate!

[Emily]

You're very welcome! :)

[Laura Lynn]

she sounds lovely, but why you wouldn't really do this to her, beat her to a bloody mass pulp from a pulpit, sounds too bloated like the body would, what we do to the poor fish with our pollution, the death is the turn the horrible twist in plot readers have been terribly conditioned to expect, but twist it less thither, twist it a second time into a crown of briary thorns rather, to break through this terrible hyperbolic torturous action we cherish we long for wanting a glance or a regard for the handsome idyllic kingly person

[Kringefest]

Haha, well... Thank you for reading...?

[Lizardo]

Very interesting story. Really nice, i like reading every word of it. good work

[Kringefest]

Thanks. (:

[wesleygirl]

I love it! Its straight forward and has lots of imagery! I'm not sure why, but it definitely drew me into the story and the meaning and all that! Very well done! will be reading more of your work for sure!

[Kringefest]

Thank you very much!

[desertgypsy]

you have an incredible way of saying things straightforwardly without too much fluff but still capturing the intensity of the emotion. you imagery was grueling, beautiful. write a book! :)

[Kringefest]

Hahah, thank you so much! I'm trying to write a book though, haha. (: I appreciate your review.