This Thing

A 13-year old's letter to the imaginary being she created to help her through gender-confused puberty, emotional trauma, and untreated mental illness.

This thing that keeps me unaware,
Unknowing, yet, still strangely there.
It haunts my mind, but will not speak
This awareness I so desperately seek.
 
The knowledge of this unknown thing
Will let me have no peace, it seems.
I try to speak, I try to write,
And yet this thing stays out of sight.
It keeps me thinking, searching, learning
In place of the ignorance I am so deserving.
It isn't light, it isn't sound,
It can't be hunted, it can't be found.
 
Yet still in many ways I try
To keep this thing from passing by.
It's not in time and it's not in space,
It isn't love and it isn't hate,
But still, I don't know what it is,
Or who, or why, or even if.
 
This thing that keeps me far from peace
Won't ever simply be or cease.
It's there, I know, to make me think
Of all the things I shouldn't think.
 
I'm deeply troubled, as you see,
By this thing that's haunting me
And yet it helps me in some ways-
It keeps me company on darker days,
It tells me not to hurt myself,
It also says to 'love thyself',
But I don't see how this could be
When all I feel is misery!
 
I'm lonely, ill, and malcontent
With this life of ignorance.
I hate that people put up walls,
They fight, the kill, they make new laws.
It's all so simple, if only they'd see
The way things are truly meant to be.
 
But, I do know this is false hope
For they need reasoning to cope
With the fact that they can't see
This unknown thing, this light, this being.
They push it away and look for facts
Because 'real is real' and this Thing isn't that.
 
It's unknown, it's dense, this thing
That protects me, keeps me being.
It covers me, from fear, from pain,
It keeps me safe, it keeps me sane.
No size, no shape, no voice, no face,
Not light or sound or time or space,
It found me trapped here, it came to stay,
To help me through life, through day after day.
 
It has a warmth, a glow, it thinks,
It swims, it flies, it falls, it sinks.
It only exists within my mind,
But also everywhere throughout time.
It doesn't breathe, it doesn't sleep,
But it comforts me, keeps me at peace.
 
This thing I can't describe or see,
But only feel, it calls to me.
It shows me love, it shows me peace
And happiness and helps me sleep.
It keeps me breathing, night and day,
It begs me not to die, to stay.
 
But the more I come to know this thing
The more it seems like its own being-
Once I'd like to hear, to see,
To have to talk or sing to me!
Something real to know, to believe,
Something that knows my mind, and me.
 
And yet I know this can't be true,
A lifetime alone, without a solid you.
So I'll keep learning, thinking, dreaming,
As long as you'll keep being that thing.
 
I may be alone, but not at heart,
Because in the darkness, you'll be a spark
To pull me back, back from the edge,
To dry my tears, to honor your pledge:
 
You'll keep me safe, you'll keep me sane,
You'll keep me alive, and we'll play our game.
We'll live our lives, we're clever, we're smart
So separate in form, yet together at heart.