-The word fireworks was repeated a bit often to appreciate, can you replace a few of them somehow?
- the lines:
"in the rain
beneath the
fireworks."
These especially jumped at at me as choppy. Make the last two one line, and the flow would improve. I think that happened a couple times.
Still, it was a fantastic poem and I adored it. Thanks for sharing it so much and reminding us of some of our favorite memories, not always on the holiday but always important to remember.
There's such a strong visual here... 'can see the fireworks in her eyes, see the night, the loving closeness and all else.
'So with the whistling,
banging,
cracking,
popping,
sizzling,
fireworks;
my heart was beating,
pumping,
throbbing,
jumping,
flittering,
in tune with hers.'
Amazinigly, those 'firework' rooted words really do emphasise the impressions made and left by love.
Maybe, yes, 'fireworks' is used a little too often, but, finding an alternative or two might prove difficult. There's a real flow to your poem, so, maybe it would be a pity to alter it to accommodate changes.
-The word fireworks was repeated a bit often to appreciate, can you replace a few of them somehow?
- the lines:
"in the rain
beneath the
fireworks."
These especially jumped at at me as choppy. Make the last two one line, and the flow would improve. I think that happened a couple times.
Still, it was a fantastic poem and I adored it. Thanks for sharing it so much and reminding us of some of our favorite memories, not always on the holiday but always important to remember.
Hello to my friends at the Cafe. I wanted to inform you I will be leaving the Cafe effective February 1st to pursue other interests. I have met some good friends and great writers over the time I.. more..