Shooting Stars

It is important to note that sometimes the best therapy one can attain is that through writing.  There are things on my mind all the time, and the best way to deal with them is through writing.  Most of all, is the ability to grow from certain downfalls in my life can be attained through writing.  Whether what was written is good or not is irrelevant, the most important thing is that we achieve our goals through writing.

 

She had this habit.  She used to rub her hands together whenever she accomplished anything.  It could be something as heroic as vacuuming the living room, or as mundane as stirring the spaghetti sauce.  Whenever something was done up to her code she always rubbed her hands together.

 

This was something that I found to be annoying.  Never passing up the opportunity to point it out and laugh at it in jest.  Our relationship had taken many turns since we first met, and I suppose that rather than treating her like my wife, I began to treat her like a sister.  That is not absurd.  I was raised with three sisters, and I suppose that after a while, it was only natural for me to treat her so without realizing it.  Towards the end, we feuded more than we fought.  It was quite ignorant of me to allow myself to fall into such a pit fall.  It became a sort of rivalry, we each were trying to out-do each other, and we scarcely noticed it.

 

I don't think that either one of us wanted to hurt the other, but you can only out-do so much before "hurt" becomes an inevitability.  I have never had anger problems, but in those last six months I had found it increasingly difficult to contain my temper.  When I couldn't handle things, I would drink.  I never became violent, but I am sure I had shown signs of being capable of violence.  That can be absolutely terrifying for a woman, I am sure.  I suppose that a simple, sober discussion would have allowed explanations to sort some of the problems out.  Unfortunately, I didn't want explanations, I wanted mistakes to stop.  When mistakes are made, and alcohol is drank, mistakes begin to pile up.  There was very little she could do that I would not consider a mistake.  After some time, they were no longer mistakes, but things I was certain that she was doing on purpose just to irritate me.  Hindsight tells me that this was only paranoia, but being in the moment, it was like I was in some sort of haze.

 

When the marriage finally ended, I blamed her for every single thing that went wrong with it.  As time softened the impact, I realized that I was just as much to blame as she was.  As more time passed, I found it pointless to blame anyone for anything.  Blame is the only four letter word that has five letters.  For me to blame her was not only ignorant, it was hypocritical as well.  She made mistakes and I made mistakes and neither of us were humble enough to tear down the wall and talk.  Don't get me wrong, Germany did not build the Berlin wall, there was a third party that came in and built that wall for them.  Much the same way we allowed outside forces to influence our lives.

 

Instead of accepting each other's flaws, we expected those flaws to go away.  Each time one of us changed, it was never better for the relationship, and we began to drift apart.  During most of the relationship, she tried to involve herself within my interests, I never returned this favor.  As time went on, she sort of gave up and began to do her own thing.  It is ironic that my interests at the time involved football, hockey, wrestling and beer.  They now consist of writing, musicals, literature and football.  I suppose football will never go away, but I don't want to be too much of a nancy. 

 

I had come to a realization back in February of 2008.  That I still and probably will always love this girl.  Maybe it is because she is the mother of my children.  Maybe it is because my love for her creeped up on me rather than attacked me full on.  Things like her rubbing her hands together at the achievement of simple tasks are what made her, her.  I no longer force myself to remember the bad times and instead focus on the good times.  I remember how easy it was to get lost in her big blue eyes, I remember how simply hugging her felt different than hugging anyone else in the world.  I remember dates to drive-in movies, dinners at Lonestar and the births of my children.  I remember our wedding, how nothing seemed to go right, but yet it felt so fitting.  I remember how excited I got to see her after having to work all day.  I remember planting flowers with her (a task that I would never openly admit that I enjoyed doing).  I remember the Toby Keith concerts that I LOVED (try getting me to one now).  These good times flash by me throughout every day.  Each time the memory gains a little strength and comes back a little stronger.  I must advise everyone, that no matter how the relationship ends, try not to forget the good times.  You are only depriving yourself. 

 

In the transition from childhood to becoming adults, we sometimes forget that "Happily ever after" is always a fairy tale.  There will be good times and bad times, and I imagine, the sooner we realize this, the sooner we can live a productive life.  Her and I will always be linked, if not only through our children together, then in the history of love's tragedies.  We had a love that was real, a love that people search their entire lives for.  Yet, we allowed it to escape from us because of egos and arrogance.  When it ended, it ended.  There has been very little communication between us from the day we went our seperate ways.  We have used an arbitrator in reference to our children.  Each of us going to this person to send correspondence to the other.  Again, egos and arrogance.  I will at length, simplify things and try to approach her and tear down the wall.  It is stupid, I have Ronald Reagan voicing in my head right now:  "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall".  The pond has frozen over again, and again, the ice needs to be broken.  As long as I remember the good times, and I remember the good person that she always strived to be, I should have no problem doing so.

Reviews

[Dianne]

Jeff, I so hope you are pursuing the removal of the wall. Since you have recognized your love still exists, it is well worth the effort to at the very least reestablish communications. You are unlikely to pick up where things left off, but that doesn't mean that you can't start some thing new. Best of love to the both of you.

[yinseriv]

The poignant moments within this story embraced the humanity of the author. I read this twice and both times said a silent prayer for the author and his wife. I never did that for Steven King.

[HoorayForUnderdog]

Hi Jeff
Man you made me cry again! Your writing is so well spoken and thoughtful. I hope that you will find happiness and peace within yourself no matter how things work out.
jenny

[Becca]

Reading this outstanding story is why I consider it an honor to be your friend.
Your willingness to be so honest and human is rare.
To allow other's to be human is even more rare.
Your words are an inspiration to us all...male and female.

[emmajoy]

This is an incredible read, absolutely incredible.

The style in which you've written is concise but smooth, as if in conversation - I had to read on. Your description of how things went within the marriage: the annoyances, the trying, the selfishness, the indifference, all put without rancour or hurt, but, honest to the last letter. As for the final paragraph, though it's sad that you rarely meet, the good and sweet thoughts shine through. And, yes, you're oh so correct, remember the good things... what made you love in the first place.

Who knows, maybe the future holds something more, especially now the 'egos and arrogance' have faded away with time and age - and self-awareness.

Whether this is fact or fiction .. it's not my business to ask or know .. it's a great piece of writing

Thank you for a wonderful post.

I believe it is from the bottom that things look a lot higher. We cannot constantly live on the crest, for it would lose its value. The happiness achieved with mixture of conflict makes life very interesting. You are living a very interesting life.

You have always been a good writer and as you are expressing yourself in this one you have yet again created another masterpiece, my friend.

A very insightful read