In the Shadows

Part Two

A dark entity lurked in the shadows. It clung on to every word between the two talking in the small temple. The little blonde girl, Lillie, reminded him of someone from long ago. Mirra, the Shadow Guardian, was there too. The sight of her made him sick and he turned away in disgust. I hate the guardians, every last one of them! The mere thought of them enrages me. One day I will break free of these magical barriers. I will exact my revenge on them. I will watch them squirm like the miserable lost souls they are. It will be a delicacy I will savor.

'Casting his black shadow upon the realm all things will know true misery and a veil of darkness will encase our beautiful universe.' The prophecy echoed through his mind, always on repeat. Terra spoke those words on her death bed. She was the first guardian. She was the one that imprisoned me. I loved her, but she betrayed me and I betrayed myself. That happened a long time ago and she killed herself in the end. I often think of her still. She may have left me trapped here, behind spells and barriers, but this is my Realm.  His lips spread into a vicious grin.

I am going to rise again, the guardians know this as a fact. The prophecy is all need for proof. Until then, I will lurk in these shapeless shadows feeding my rage and biding my time. He loved time, such an abstract illusion. Time was not something he ever worried about. He had plenty of it. He was quite young for his age. All he had to do was sit and wait. Time allowed his army to grow and strengthen. The hatred manifested by him was used as a constant energy source for his little minions. They continued to multiply and were reaching vast numbers. They were getting hungry though. The creatures were eager to be unleashed upon the world and so was he.

Crimson eyes and a sharp, nasty grin were visible in the shadows. The two he watched never noticed him. The fact fed his rage in an alarming way. I have been waiting for too long! His power was growing. It filled him from within. The guardians trapped me years ago. They sacrificed their souls eternal peace to imprison me for all time. His smile widened further. At least, that is what they thought they were doing. The Guardians are lost souls that think they can control old magic. Magic that predates my own birth and I have already lived a longer life than all of them combined. The guardians still have no idea what they are doing, or what they have already done. 

They rose up against me and imprisoned me for 'overstepping' my role as the Lord of Shadows. How can they dictate to me such a thing? This is my realm! I will never forgive them for it, especially Terra. I loath her memory for betraying me. I only stirred up a little trouble. I caused mass riots and chaos world wide, so what! My little minions loved me back then. Now they are starving! Feeding off of my energy and each others. It is mutating them into grotesque, disfigured things. My poor beautiful monsters. Soon I will be free!

 

He knew it. He could feel it. The dark energy around him was getting stronger. It was becoming thick and tangible. I will unleash my power upon the universe. He raised his massive arms into the air feeling the power radiate through him. A vicious monster, fed anger and hate. The energy pulsated around him stronger now as he flexed his body. The barriers around him began to crackle and weaken.

"The shadows of darkness will not be constrained! I will rule again!" he bellowed letting power flow from his extremities. The barrier around him crackled and shattered. The darkness rushed through the missing gaps that were formed and consumed everything in its path. He charged into the barrier and broke through the rest of the way. The barrier was demolished and a strange smell filled the air. He started towards the two he had been watching. He focused all his rage on them. The powerful energy pulsating around him.

* * * * *

Lillie and Mirra turned toward the commotion as a massive dark form  lunged at them from the darkness. Lillie was frightened. She could not move her legs no matter how hard she tried. The dark entity was almost on top of them and Lillie did not know what to do. She was frozen in time.

Lillie started to glow. Her blood stained clothes changed into beautiful white silk. The cloth covered her body from under her chin to wrap her feet. The outfit even covered up the tops of her hands. Gold metal work was inlaid into the fabric on the chest, forearms, and legs. The silk outfit was armor. It was light and flexible, like a second skin. A staff appeared in her hands. It was finely crafted. The shaft was Ivory and gold runes were etched down it. An iridescent gem was set in a golden bird claw at the top of the staff. It glimmered in the darkness.

Lillie felt a calmness she never felt before. She knew she only had this chance. She took the staff and swung it as hard as she could. Lillie aimed at the point she thought was the huge beasts head. SMACK! She had hit her mark. The massive form howled in pain. It came back at her after regaining its balance. She swung the staff again, but missed the violent monster. 

Fear set in as Lillie watched it happen in slow motion. When the staff came around to confront the beast, a golden white light shot out from the gem. It hit the dark form square in the chest. The dark entity exploded into a fine dust that dissipated into the surrounding shadows. 

The unexpected battle was short lived. It left Lillie out of breath and even more scared than when she had awakened in this dark place. Now she had even more questions for the mysterious black cat, Mirra. The cat that seemed to only answer questions with questions.

Reviews

[Jack Wolfe]

I will savor (slowly). Savor implies, omit adverb.

She was the first guardian, the one that had imprisoned me. I had loved her so very much, but she betrayed me; and although I (may be*) am trapped behind these spells and barriers, this is still my Realm.

Try and omit needless words:

She was the first guardian; the one that imprisoned me. I loved her (either very or so, I recommend deleting both). She betrayed me. I may be trapped behind these spells and barriers, but this is still my realm.

Now here’s where I begin to question: You’re giving the reader all this information, good, but, He would already ‘know’ this information, he wouldn’t need to say it to himself.
I’d recommend staying in his mind, behind his eyes.

(The dark entity) in the shadows loved time, if we’re in his POV why would he refer to himself, as if outside of himself?

I like where the story’s going, but its still suffering from the technical aspects I pointed out in chapter one. The main thing is showing not telling.

Lillie’s clothes begin changing; a staff magically appears in her hand, this is acceptable because it’s still early in the story, but the problem is these things just happen, there’s no action/reaction, she feels nothing as this transformation is happening. When the savage dark figure springs from the shadows, she shows’ no fear, no panic, no recognition of surprise or confusion; she just swings the staff, whack, scene said and done. Try and put yourself inside the character. If she’s a person, in a dark foreboding new place, a talking cat, she would be feeling fear, nervousness, confusion, questioning her sanity, a million different emotions, thoughts, and feelings, try and show these; rather than he just accepting her new role/world.

I hope this help some. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me.

Once again, the text box refuses to show formatting or editorial marks, will send via message.

[K.N. Thorn]

Thank you Jack, I see your points and I will continue working on it. :)

[David Jae]

An enjoyable story with a gripping sense of intrigue and mystery.

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This is an interesting story with powerful protagonist and antagonist, each with good motivation. However, you introduce your characters by exposition, which makes it seemed rushed. Show, don't tell, is more powerful.

E.g.
He hated the guardians, all of them. One day, he would break free and he would watch them squirm like the miserable lost souls that they were.

This tells the story, but it is basic and lacks punch.

A more powerful approach would be;

He turned away from the image with a cruel sneer, glancing over his shoulder at the figure hanging in the air, suspended by invisible bonds at wrist and ankle. Her uniform was torn, the visible flesh below charred and lacerated in places. However, even more satisfying was the look of defiance on her face as he approached. The guardians were a stubborn lot. Raising his hand, purple lightning lanced out, striking her shoulder and she bit down on her lip, stifling her scream.
"Your resilience does delightful to me. You Guardians have opposed me for to long. And, you are priviledged to be here to witness the destruction of your accursed order. It will be slow in coming, but, we have plenty to keep us amused.' He said, raising his hand again.

That shows his hatred of the Guardians, and establishes his cruel nature, without ever saying so. It is more powerful to let the reader reach their own conclusions.

What I like about this story is how you start in media res, getting straight into the action. There is a tendency to set up backstory first, which works in some cases (Tolkien), but it can be unnecessary. This way, you hook the reader quickly and set up your main character, grabbing our attention.
You have potential and I look forward to reading more.

Ganbare

[K.N. Thorn]

Thank you for all your time and a wonderful review. You are absolutely correct about everything said, but I wanted it stated plainly like that because it is not my focus. This is more of a monologue and a set up piece really. I will be doing some more editing more than likely since I do see and agree on where I could draw some things out and be a little more elaborate. It is something I have been working on desperately, I know it is my weakness. Thank you for the many compliments as well and please keep reading and commenting, I get little feed back on my short stories and it is much appreciated.

[David Jae]

You're welcome. As a monologue, using the first person, this would have been much more powerful. The expisitional statements would work better, too, because your character is talking to themselves.

Don't get disheartened; you have shown a lot of potential and I'll be whatever help I can.

Ganbare

[K.N. Thorn]

Thank you very much for your encouragement, I have heavily edited the first one, please take a look and see if you think there is improvements. I also changed alot in this one to the first person just like you have suggested I think it makes more since as well. I did have the idea of putting thoughts in a characters in italics since I doubt I would use them for anything else.