Doubt

Doubt

            There Kate stood down the other side of the Aisle. She was mine for the taking. Just several steps and an exchange of vows and she would be mine forever. Everything Kate and I had ever experience in our relationship were simply in preparation to this moment. Never before In my life had I imagined that this moment would make so happy but also so fearful. Across that aisle stood happiness, a house, and kids but I stood petrified on the other side. My feet were glued to the floor, my future wife lay in wait but I could not approach her. I was a lion that could hunt his prey but never claim his prize. Everyone in the small white church stared at me with looks of disgust. I eluded their gaze and set my eyes on Kate. Kate looked gorgeous in that white dress. I had imagined that dress on her so many times. So many times I sat down and prayed for this day, well today is that day and I am paralyzed by fear. Fear that one day Kate won’t need me anymore like she used too. Fear that one day Kate won’t love me like she used too, and the worst of all, the fear that I will not be good enough for Kate. Fear that I will be like my father. I took another step towards my bride. I thought my foot would collapse through the floor upon impact. I took two more steps towards my bride. She was faced in the opposite direction and could not see me approach her. With every step I took a hundred eyes followed me in that church. I finally reached my bride and she turned to me. Face to face I stood with a woman who would make me happy for the rest of my life but that is not what I was thinking. Horrible thoughts poured into my head at that moment. I tried to get rid of the thoughts but they continued to fester in my mind stealing all of my confidence. A breeze flew in through the open window and blew past Kate and I. The ceremony began. The priest began his work. As he spoke I looked towards Kate and saw her smile at me with tears of joy rolling down her cheeks. Kate was so happy yet doubt clouded my mind. Just at that minute the preacher said the dreaded words “If anyone has any reason why these two should not be wedded, speak now or forever hold your peace” and I spoke. “Goodbye Kate” I said while walking out of the church. Everyone stood up and cheered as I walked out and left a crying Kate Esposito in the church behind me.

At that minute I awoke from the nightmare. Kate was still asleep next to me and It was seven in the morning. What had the nightmare meant? Just hours ago I felt so in love with Kate but in this dream I seemed to have never loved Kate. I walked around the hotel room for a few minutes thinking about the nightmare. That was not me in that dream I would never leave Kate I thought to myself. Would I? I saw Kate start to roll over uncomfortably having no one next to her to hold. How could I dream of so much fear on what should be the happiest day of my life? What I feared more than anything was becoming like my father. I could never treat Kate like that though. Then I had a terrible thought, my father probably thought he would never hit my mother at this age either. I realized suddenly that my mother had married my father for a reason, at one point my father had to have been good to her. Would I be like that, would I be in love with Kate one day and then hit her the next day? Now I was having full on doubts, and unlike the doubt from the nightmare, this was real. I looked around at the small hotel room; I was becoming so tired of these rooms that are not mine, these beds that are not mine. Hotel rooms were driving me crazy. Kate rolled over in the bed and stared at me for a couple of seconds, then she smiled and got up out of bed. Her bare feet made a soft sound on the floor she came to me and tiptoed to kiss me. I called the land lord I told Kate. We are going to be over there by twelve and the apartment will be ours. Kate smiled, “you promise? No more hotels” she said smiling at me. Then before you knew it time flew by and we were getting ready. Kate and I both took showers and got dressed.

 At ten thirty we headed out the door to her yellow Toyota. I was warm under my jacket and my sweater but I saw Kate was shivering. I put my arm around Kate and started walking faster towards the car. We jumped in Kate’s car which felt like a volcano compared to the terrible cold outside. Kate jumped in the passenger side and I started driving us away. The drive was strange for us; New York City was this brand new place for us. It was a strange new world that we had yet to explore. We drove past countless new sights in Brooklyn. I followed signs and the instructions of a gas station attendant to find my way to Flushing, Queens. After about forty minutes we were there and the apartment stood in front of us. The apartment was a two floor apartment building and our apartment was on the second floor. The building was small and only had two apartments in it. We got out of the car after searching for parking and walked into the building. I looked around at the small hallway and in the hallway stood a short fat man, he looked middle aged. I walked up to the man “hello I'm looking for the land lord” I said sounding confused. The man gave me a strange look and said “you the new tenants?” “Yeah, are you the landlord?” I asked back. “My names James Cotes, Glad to meet you and your lovely wife” he said sounding too happy. Kate and I exchanged look upon being referred to as a married couple but did not deny it. I reached out and shook the man’s hand. “All right, let’s get down to business” the short man said sounding more serious now. “When we spoke on the phone we decided on a total of four thousand one hundred dollars that including the first month’s rent and security deposit. Is that right?” the man seemed very concerned about his money. “Yes, I have it all on hand” I said while taking out a large wad of money. The roll of money looked big but had only six thousand dollars in it. I handed over the four thousand one hundred dollars to the man and we went through the process of renting the apartment and then in no time the man left giving Kate and me the keys to our new apartment.

 When the man left Kate and I explored around our new home, it was big and empty but it was ours. It felt so good to have a place to call home where beatings would not be waiting for me. I looked to Kate, she didn’t look as happy about this new apartment as I thought she would. “How much money is left?” she asked sounding worried. “Kate we shouldn’t worry about that right now.” I said trying to ease her mind; I knew why she was worried now. We were running out of money and had no jobs. “Nick, how can you say we shouldn’t worry about this right now? We don’t have jobs and we need to eat and don’t forget about our future” she sounded a little angry now. I knew this was coming and I have been dreading it. She was right though, what were we going to do. We were running out of money and we need jobs. “Kate, I’ll work two jobs, I’ll do whatever it takes” I said desperately. “Nick I'm sorry I just don’t know what we’re going to do” Kate looked upset now. “What else can I do Kate, you decided to leave Massachusetts with me, I didn’t make you, and if you regret that decision all I can say is, take your car and go” I didn’t mean to sound like I didn’t care but I was upset now. I had doubted my love for Kate lately but never before had I done so out loud. The words hit her hard, had the hit her any harder she would have been crippled by the impact. She stared at me with wide eyes, there we stood in our new apartment taking the first steps of our lives together and we were all ready at war. “You know I can’t do that Nick, and I know you don’t want me to do that” Kate sounded miserable now. She was fighting tears but not doing a great job at it. “Kate you have to stop worrying, we can do this, I'm sure of it. We’ll save money you can make it to Julliard, and I'm not sure what I’ll do but I know I’ll do whatever it takes to help you reach your dream” I said trying to calm Kate. “If you want to help me, help yourself first, I’ve watched you be your own worst enemy for years Nick, you have so much potential but you’ve spent years wallowing in a pool of self-pity, I know you’ve been through a lot but you never really made an effort to make life better for yourself until now, and even now you push me away, and doubt yourself” Kate’s words were so true and that must have been why they stung so much. They coursed through me like poison. I could have left years ago, and if it wasn’t for Kate I might not have left at all, and even today I woke up this morning and dreamed of leaving Kate. “Kate you have no idea what it feels like to be completely alone in the world, to be abandoned by the one person you thought you could trust!” Kate stared at me before saying “I can’t change that, but you aren’t alone anymore, you can change the way you think of yourself!” Kate made her voice sound stronger now. “This is who I am Kate, If you don’t like it, why don’t you leave?” there I go again pushing her away I thought. Then Kate said three words that ripped my heart out. “Maybe I will” she said. All doubt I had been having lately was confirmed now, Kate just opened the thought of a possibility of her leaving me.

 I knew she regretted saying that because she looked at me crying “I'm so sorry Nick, I would” I didn’t let her finish, I grabbed my jacket and went for the door. I could hear Kate behind me crying but I didn’t stop, I couldn’t stop. My legs carried me out the door. I went out the door into the cold and walked on, past Kate’s car just walking. What if Kate did leave me? I would be truly alone again, and what about Kate, she was alone right now, in a new apartment, and a new city. We were both alone and miserable right now and we did it to each other. Maybe we just aren’t meant to be I thought to myself. I don’t deserve her. I thought about my mother, I never thought she would leave me but she did. Kate had confirmed a possibility of my biggest fear at the moment. My hands got cold so I put my hands in my pocket and I felt something scratch me. I don’t remember putting anything in my pockets I thought to myself. Then I remembered Kate had worn my jacket earlier because it was cold. I pulled out the object that had scratched me. I pulled it out and looked at it for a second. It was the necklace I got Kate. I remembered how it looked on her that night in the parking lot. I remembered how I felt that night. Looking at that necklace made me realize that Kate is the love of my life. Kate has given me the best memories of my life and I look forward to many more. This isn’t how I'm going to let this end I thought to myself. I turned around and walked through the cold December winds. I walked back towards the apartment. I came to Kate’s yellow Toyota; it wasn’t on the same side of the street anymore.

 I went into the apartment building and suddenly felt a lot warmer. I made my way up the stairs and opened the door with my key, as soon as I opened the door I saw an air mattress on the floor and there Kate lay on it crying. I walked to Kate and a million things went through my head at that moment but only one mattered. I laid down next to her and said “I should have never left you, I know how it feels to be alone, Kate I love you” I wiped her tears and then reached in my pocket and put her necklace in her hands. Kate wasn’t crying anymore now. The woman who had told me she might leave me a few hours ago cried and waited for me to return to her. I knew Kate didn’t mean what she said. “Nick, not knowing whether or not you would come back for me was the worst feeling I have ever experienced, I don’t care about money any more, I don’t care about jobs, please just don’t ever leave me” I kissed her and the taste of tears was on her lips even though she wasn’t crying anymore. “Not knowing whether you would be here waiting was the worst feeling I have ever had, I promise you, I will never leave you” she smiled. “You scared me, if you ever do that again, I might beat you up” I laughed. About an hour ago I was helpless and alone and now I lay laughing with the woman that I know I will marry. Love is funny thing I thought to myself, but I didn’t care anyway, I had my Kate back.

Reviews

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

A powerful message of betrayal and anger in this chapter, makes a mockery of the silly and puts the serious on a pedestal, a very well written piece, great read.