Parables and sayings of Jeebus.

   It is easier for a one eyed camel to get tickets to a Rolling Stones concert than it is for a rich man to get blood from a turnip.

   Remove the beam from your own eye before you stick it in your neighbor's eye.

   There are none so blind as those who will not see, except perhaps someone who has had their eyes 

  gouged out with a melon baller- then run over by a steamroller; they may be a little more blind.

   He that loveth wisdom is blessed of god, he who blares his radio all night and parks in the handicapped spot

  and lets his dog crap on your lawn is a jerk.

   Render unto Caesar what is Caesars, render unto Stormy enough for a lap dance.

   Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, let he who is without funds stay behind when we go out 

   to lunch.

   If a man should strike you on the cheek, stab him in the neck with a screwdriver until he is a whimpering

  bloody mess- then see if he strikes you again.

   Jeebus was walking along the road from Damascus to Las Vegas when he came upon a fig tree. The fig tree

 was barren because it was not the time for fruit, but Jeebus was mad because his bank would not take a

 out of state, third party check and Jeebus did shout "Stupid tree, never more will thou give fruit" and the tree did wither and die. The farmer did see this and did say "What the hell did you do to my tree!?".  And Jeebus did say "Look you jerk, I'm the son of god and I wanted a fig, your tree had no fruit so I got pissed!".  But the farmer did say "You dink, it's winter- no trees have fruit!".  But Jeebus did curse the farmer, and the farmers nose did wither and die. And the farmer did learn a lesson- never argue with the son of god, especially about fruit.