�Sweet Surrender� (Suicide�s Supposition)

 

“Sweet Surrender”

(Suicide’s Supposition)

 

　

Your egregious lips emancipate me

They have severed the magnificent chains

That once bound me to wretched fate

 

 

We have achieved maximum veracity

The pinnacle of sheer ludicrous behavior

The act of unrequited love

Has drowned me in fecund tears

 

 

Our once beautiful lie

Has immersed itself completely

Springing forth from resilient sand

And the marshes of desperation

 

 

What once was a fantastic existence

Has become the stuff of nightmares

Without the calm release of waking

 

 

Unlike the burning sands of truth

The unspent desires you showed

Were bereft of actual emotion

 

 

The succulent and succinct fabrications

Have long lost their mesmerizing appeal

Fallen like shards of ancient glass

 

 

Let the echoing wings of angels

Carry me beyond the pale

Thought of moral desperation

Clinging to me like your scent

 

 

One last kiss before lying

The cruel dust of morbid death

Cries to me a subtle lullaby

 

 

Kenny L. Mitchell

August 29, 2009

 

　

　

Reviews

[deleted]

Very bittersweet piece! Well constructed and the flow was impeccable!

[Satchmo's Gal]

Oh my gosh. This is absolutely amayzing.


One last kiss before lying

The cruel dust of morbid death

Cries to me a subtle lullaby

My heart wept silently for this poem. Fantastically deep.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

The unspent desires you showed /With bereft of actual emotion
In this couplet I would change the word "with" to the word, "were" so that the logical progession flows smoothly in a continuous thought. For the same reason in this verse:

"Let the echoing wings of angels

Carry me beyond the pale

The thought of moral desperation

Clings to me like your scent"

I woul drop the word "The" from the beginning of the third line and change the word "clings" to "clinging".

I think you will find that it reads much smoother and helps the structure a great deal.


The piece is actually quite good. I think your choice of words sounds slightly pedantic though. You may send a few people running for the dictionary. Remember that the main reason for language is communication and that is no less an axiom in poetry than in prose. The changes that I have suggested are necessary to the structure and the logical progression. But then, it's rather difficult to make me feel as if I am being condescended to. Other readers may not share my love of extensive vocabulary if you get my meaning. There are a few literary snobs in certain circles who are impressed by pedantry but as one author once told me, "Pedantry is the last refuge of the truly ignorant." And I tend to agree with his assessment. The word "egregious" for example once meant "good" but in the 16th century it's meaning came to mean "bad". Language is a funny thing and only through an indepth study of linguistics can we fathom all it subtleties. Because of that, it is sometimes better; and always simpler, to use a more colloquial word or phrase to express oneself. These are just my thoughts and opinions though. If you choose to keep the words you are using here, the piece is still quite impressive (given the right audience) but I would definitely make the changes which I suggested in regards to the form and the logical progression. Thank you for inviting me to read this. It gave me the oppurtunity to express my feeling about a topic which I normally do not discuss outside of a classroom. Good luck with your writing and I will try to review some more later. I'm very busy right now with a new website I have created for poets and poetry. I'll get back when I can to review some more of your work. Sending along a friend request as well.